healing “too” fast

cues “too fast” by sonder.

a couple weeks ago, i endured a heart breaking loss, of my best friend. my favorite person. for about a week, i was confused, in shock and slightly in denial. for this week, it’s been mostly about accepting reality and trying to be more present.

so i’ve been doing a lot of intentional healing. more meditations and yoga (mostly kundalini), more space to think. and lately i’ve been having this fear of healing “too fast”.

like that i’ll heal and then she’ll back in and i’ll be over it. that i’ll no longer want to try.

and it’s been really getting to me.

ive been trying to live in this space of duality, where multiple truths exist. and while i acknowledge my feelings, i understand that it comes from a place of fear of change.

and me clinging to the past.

so how do i move past this?

by pushing myself to keep doing the healing. by keeping my faith strong in the fact that i KNOW all will be well.

even though it doesn’t feel well right now.

tres meses

today marks three months, of “quarantine”. on march 12th, i was told i no longer needed to report at the site i was student teaching at, that classes would go online, and everything suddenly, quickly, swiftly changed.

i opted to stay in georgia instead of going home. honestly, i didn’t have much of an option. there was no way that i could have made a 10, almost 11 hour drive alone. the plan was, always, for me to fly home.

we briefly thought about me driving half way, meeting my mom, aunt and sister, and them driving me the rest of the way. but then it became well how would i get back to georgia? what if stuff was closed along the highway- like gas stations? there seemed to be no clear way for me to go home. so i stayed.

i made goals for myself. i thought about what i wanted to be like when i came out on the other side. i wanted to be more grateful. improve my confidence. get into yoga and meditation even deeper. strengthen my already steadfast faith in God. eat better. be happier. and then like outward appearance things like longer hair (which is going QUITE well if i do say so myself).

i’ve learned a lot being in this space.

  • the quality of relationships outweighs the quantity. every time
    • i’ve gotten to think about who i REALLY want to talk to. and how often i really want to talk
      • i made a list and divided in into three parts: non-negotiables (have to have), preferences (really wanted), wants (i would like, but i could go without). it was two sections- work and personal. i tried to remain true to my desires- and focused on what i truly wanted instead of what was “reasonable”. i made decisions on the relationships i had based on these.
  • the desire for human contact is innate
    • we all just want to be loved. love transcends hugs though. it’s a complex feeling of security, based on action. more on love here
      • i’ve also learned that i’m really a hugger.
  • breaks for technology are important
    • breaks allow you to recharge and recenter. it’s important.
  • all of your emotional issues get stored in your body until you release them
  • you manifest the reality of your life
    • your thoughts matter. i’ve learned ways to be gentler to myself, reminding myself that i’m still growing and it’s okay to be growing.
  • self-control is a skill
    • and a very important one. i think of the long term goal and what want, and try to make decisions off that.
      • i take note of my avoidance and ponder on why i’m avoiding it. i try to think critically of my actions, with compassion, to see how i can help myself.
another mhn gem

how to invest, pt. 2

investing is a lifestyle. investing takes time, intention and money.

in my last blog post about investing, i talked about ways that we can invest within our professions. this means that you are dismantling systemic oppressive systems at your job. many people subscribe to the thought that the only way to change the system, is to be the system. and while i believe that, being passive within an oppressive system helps no one. you must enter the system and actively work to be anti-racist. actively work to engage in change. actively work to seek out others who are about the movement.

but it’s also with our dollars. we need to be supporting black owned businesses, which is a way to support black people as individually and collectively. start asking yourself- who owns this? from what i’ve seen, most things are run by white men. where is your money going? are the passionate about the movement? what are they doing to be anti-racist? your dollar has value. use it to your advantages.

here are some resources about how to support:

support black businesses

sweet savage index

yoga green book (black owned yoga studios and black yoga teachers)

black.owned.everything (on instagram)

whew, i feel much better

i’ve spent most of my time lately, at home. while i’m still in school, i’ve had so much more time for yoga and meditation, and healing. i’m astonished at how much i’ve grown, in just two months. honestly i feel like a new person.

one of the biggest things for me is looking at my life from a different perspective. from the perspective that everything is happening for a reason, which is to help me grow closer to God. it gives me comfort. i know that my experiences are teaching me things. “All you are is God and you cannot hurt me, thank you for being my teacher.” ive started thinking of my emotions as indicators of a problem and to be joyous when i find things to release. much of this is credited to my mom and Louise Hay (her book you can heal your life is AMAZING- 10/10 recommendation)

lately, i’ve been working through old emotions. sadness about things that i thought i had completely healed from. i’ve learned that old things come up so you can let them go. and to be grateful during this process of letting go.

i’ve also learned that forgiveness is based on being willing to forgive. and i’ve learned that you can forgive and choose to not continue the relationship. in my mother’s words, “you (the person being forgiven) took it too far.” sometimes it’s too far to rekindle a relationship. and all that means is you learned what you needed from them.

i’m also working on staying present more. i have a very active imagination and have my whole life. i daydream constantly. while i enjoy these qualities and know that they make me, me, i want to spend more time being engaged in the real world. to do this, i’ll keep doing yoga and probably start journaling more. i bought a passion planner which also has goal settings and prompts and stuff so i will use that as well.

as my chalkboard says “be intentional”. everyday i’m trying to be more of myself. to get to know me. and to be kinder to myself and the world.

yoga and teaching

in almost every teaching environment i’ve been in, i’ve always had my students do yoga. i work with elementary schoolers. so why have them do yoga?

well first, it’s a way for me to connect with my students. after any length of time and discussion, they know i love yoga and go often. by sharing some of who i am as mayah, instead of as their teacher, i can connect with them a little more.

second, it’s good for them. yoga has empowered me. it’s helped me feel safe. it’s helped me heal. i want to pass those skills onto my students. deep breathing (pranayama) and movement (asanas) are beneficial to everyone, espeically children. imagine what the world would be like if we all learned to take a minute and breathe? i’ve found it to be helpful when the kids are restless or just need a mental break. it’s not a coincidence i find yoga to be the most helpful for me then. it’s the magic of yoga!

third, they really like it. after doing it as a class a few times, they want to do more. i’ve had students tell me after things like “When can we do yoga again?” “Let’s do that everyday” “Ms. Mayah my head feels better”.

for yoga with my younger students, i focus solely on breathing. mostly due to space issues (i want to ensure they’re safe- kids are naturally clumsy). also, just breathing is yoga.