Tag Archives: wants

language to express needs

for a long time, i felt very unsatisfied with my friendships. it was like i had these wants/needs within relationships that never felt like they were getting met.

like it would either be like a semi-surface level friendship or we were like tied at the hip.

my tied at the hip friendship stage pretty much sums up my undergraduate experience. the relationships reaked of codependency. i think it’s because they were formed during such a transition period where we had all just left our parents home and were scared. anyways, there was drama and dramatic endings that turned into things just fading away. i’ve grieved those relationships and occasionally a wave of grief hits me. and when it does i cope with it as best as i can.

when i ended two of those friendships, i told them both that i just didn’t feel like i was getting what i wanted out of the friendships. and one of them asked me what did i want and my response was that i didn’t know but i knew that this wasn’t it. it was a harsh truth. and in my mind, since i knew that wasn’t what i was looking for, i would make space for the friends that i wanted by ending those relationships. my logic was well how could i have space for the relationships i really want if i’m investing time and effort into these spaces.

and i knew what i wanted because i had seen it with other people. i had seen other friendships where the bond just was deeper. yesterday, i was listening to the Black girls heal podcast about intimacy. and one of the things she said it that sometimes we can fake intimacy. and i think that is what was going on. on the surface, the relationships were close. we hung out all the time, had deep conversations, knew each others likes and dislikes, but there was something missing for me.

when i moved to atlanta i was determined to make friends. i just knew that i would right? lol i’m Black and gay and moved to the Black and gay capital of the US. it was just bound to happen. and then the world shut down and even when it opened up i didn’t leave the house. shoot i still don’t have in person contact with people.

but this is not the point of this, the point of this is that i finally figured out what was missing.

she talked about interdependence. that sense of if you need someone you can call on them. and that in those relationships you don’t feel “bad” for calling. or like you’re a burden. there is a sense of security that comes with the intimacy. almost like you know that they want to talk to you.

and i think for so long i equated that with duration of hanging out, vulnerability, and deep conversations and i think it is all of those things, but i think there is just one more missing piece.

i titled this post language to express needs because for so long i’ve been trying to figure out what was missing. why i could be around a bunch of people and still feel lonely. and it’s because it wasn’t intimate. and maybe on levels intimacy was budding, but it wasn’t in bloom.

i’m happy to know.

tres meses

today marks three months, of “quarantine”. on march 12th, i was told i no longer needed to report at the site i was student teaching at, that classes would go online, and everything suddenly, quickly, swiftly changed.

i opted to stay in georgia instead of going home. honestly, i didn’t have much of an option. there was no way that i could have made a 10, almost 11 hour drive alone. the plan was, always, for me to fly home.

we briefly thought about me driving half way, meeting my mom, aunt and sister, and them driving me the rest of the way. but then it became well how would i get back to georgia? what if stuff was closed along the highway- like gas stations? there seemed to be no clear way for me to go home. so i stayed.

i made goals for myself. i thought about what i wanted to be like when i came out on the other side. i wanted to be more grateful. improve my confidence. get into yoga and meditation even deeper. strengthen my already steadfast faith in God. eat better. be happier. and then like outward appearance things like longer hair (which is going QUITE well if i do say so myself).

i’ve learned a lot being in this space.

  • the quality of relationships outweighs the quantity. every time
    • i’ve gotten to think about who i REALLY want to talk to. and how often i really want to talk
      • i made a list and divided in into three parts: non-negotiables (have to have), preferences (really wanted), wants (i would like, but i could go without). it was two sections- work and personal. i tried to remain true to my desires- and focused on what i truly wanted instead of what was “reasonable”. i made decisions on the relationships i had based on these.
  • the desire for human contact is innate
    • we all just want to be loved. love transcends hugs though. it’s a complex feeling of security, based on action. more on love here
      • i’ve also learned that i’m really a hugger.
  • breaks for technology are important
    • breaks allow you to recharge and recenter. it’s important.
  • all of your emotional issues get stored in your body until you release them
  • you manifest the reality of your life
    • your thoughts matter. i’ve learned ways to be gentler to myself, reminding myself that i’m still growing and it’s okay to be growing.
  • self-control is a skill
    • and a very important one. i think of the long term goal and what want, and try to make decisions off that.
      • i take note of my avoidance and ponder on why i’m avoiding it. i try to think critically of my actions, with compassion, to see how i can help myself.
another mhn gem

free spirit

I haven’t had much time to blog, but I have so many things I want to talk about. I finish school next Wednesday (yay! freshman year is done!), so I’ll blog about those things later (don’t worry I have a list going). I just wanted to talk about something me and one of my friends were talking about earlier. In relationships, sometimes people want more of you than you can give. this is something that is natural and may occur. When this happens, it is important to let that person go. Sometimes people want things from you that you can’t give, and sometimes you want things from people that they can’t give. All this means is the relationship is not right for you. Therefore it means it’s time to move on! Everyone is in your life for a reason and you have to thank them for that. I know for me, I’m a free spirit. I need space to be myself and be appreciated for that. And that’s in all the relationships I have. For some people that works, for others it doesn’t. Accepting yourself for who you are and others for who they are is very important. Remember to be yourself! Love yourself. You deserve it.