Tag Archives: vulnerability

solitude

i listened to a podcast today and it was talking about embracing solittitude and how the biggest thing is that prior to quarantine, there was so much time and space that would be filled.

and for the first time, i’ve really been learning to try to fill it with myself. when the pandemic first hit, i was forced to.

i would spend hours upon hours keeping myself busy. anything really, to avoid the stillness. as time went, on, i would start having more and more periods of stillness- intentionally taking time to do what i love.

one of the things that i do try to do (espeically after throwing myself a pity party) is to think about what i’m grateful for.

the immense loss that i enduried, opened me up to embracing solitude. for the first time, the only space i feel i have where i can be truly emotionally vulnerable, is with myself. i feel my feelings and i console myself. most of these feelings aren’t shared and for the first time, i don’t want them to be.

this space of emotional vulnerability is blissful. i almost feel like this-

so after the storm, all the houses blew down. there was nothing left. the house we built was destroyed. and she was no where to be found. i cried and cried, because why had this happened? where did our home go? where was she? how was i going to clean this up?

after a few weeks of immense sorrow, i started sifting through the remains of the house. it was hard. i remembered memories that i had forgotten, sifted through more sadness than i had ever imagined was possible.

eventually, i had to come to peace with the fact that the house was gone. that it wasn’t going to magically come back, and that there was nothing i could have done to make the house stay. that all i had done was try to build the house correctly. but i had very little experience building a house. i only tried with my own house. and that was still being built too.

so i left the site of the old house. i picked up some of my favorite things, backed them in a canvas tote, and went oward. i went to my house.

this light blue home with the wrap around porch was far from finished.

i started with the foundation. day by day, minute by minute. i went to stores i had never even known existed (thanks google) to purchase new materials. it was hard luggin ghtem back tot he house. but very well worth it.

i’ve been slowly building and building for weeks now. and though my house is not finished yet, i feel like my foundation is solid.

i know that eventually i will have a house. with furniture and a garden and everything that i need. until then, i will keep whistling while i work.

forgiveness

the last time i was in atlanta (before i moved), i got my chart read. in astrology, your chart is essentially your life path. it determines the struggles you have, etc that are all based on when you were born. for me it just reiterates that everything in your life is being done in divine timing, down to the minute you were born. the astrologist told me that my life lesson is to learn how to forgive people when they hurt me. and Lord knows i struggle with this. it’s almost like i feel like when people hurt my feelings that it’s because they wanted to. and that since they did it is no longer safe for me to be around them. so i have to leave. and it’s like after something happens i may want to reach out but it’s just so hard to. it’s like i can convince myself every single time that if i do i will be only hurting myself and that this happened so that means i am not loved nor valued in that space. and that i deserve to be loved and valued so i have to end the relationship and just cannot do it anymore.

if i’m being completely honest i think it’s a ptsd response. it’s like i’ve been hurt so bad the idea of even putting myself in any position to possibly be hurt a little sends my body into survival mode and i will do whatever it takes to stop the pain.

i also blame myself whenever i get hurt because i feel like it’s my fault for even being vulnerable enough in the first place to let myself get hurt.

so where do i go from there?

normally i first reflect and then i sit with it. i recently had a conversation where i realized that i struggle so much with admitting things upset me not because i don’t understand the feeling, but rather i am afraid that i will not have the newly presented need (a change) met. i am working towards intentionally explaining my needs and expecting them to be met. it’s just i have to set this new standard that when my needs aren’t met that i leave. that’s the hard part for me- i often don’t want to. but what i’ve learned is it’s necessary because it allows space for what i actually want.

i have to constantly remind myself that it is okay to forgive those who have hurt me because everything happens for a reason. and that painful things teach me things so for that i have to be grateful for the lesson- to let go of the pain and keep the knowledge.

it’s a process but i’m learning.