university of michigan – mayah's site

2020

i’m laying down, its 6 am and i’m in my apartment in atlanta. that’s crazy for me to even say. i moved. across the country. my biggest accomplishment of the decade was graduating early with a 3.6. my biggest change was moving to go to graduate school. these things happened within the same month. within a month, my whole world has literally changed. while my heart aches, for fear of the new, it also smiles. this is my chance to start over. to be me from the beginning. i’m nervous while excited. sad but happy. the complexity of these emotions is interesting. it’s all new. all of it. so i am writing to tell God and my angels thank you for your support in 2019 and all the years prior. i devote this year to serving You and fulfilling my purpose.

graduating

these last few months have been filled with unexpected blessings. and honestly, i finally feel like i’m reaping what i have sown. I graduate in 6 days. I move to go to graduate school in 20. I start my grad program in less than a month. i’ve learned to manage my anxiety. i bought a car. i’m moving to be on my own. i brought my girlfriend over for thanksgiving to meet my family. my best friend since i was 9 became an aka and i got to be there. i stood up to protect spaces for black students within UM. i will be graduating with honors. and i will be going to grad school for free (this is yet to be confirmed, i’m just putting it out there (see blog post on law of attraction). and i went to yoga five times this past week. i gained the weight back i lost and am on a currently dairy free and low sugar diet (diet meaning lifestyle in this context). i am battling my stomach issues with love and am confident i will find a regimen where i will be pain free (again, law of attraction).

so as i reflect on this year and how hard it was for me, i have realized one major thing. i learned how to be alone.

i learned how to love myself, each and every bit. i learned to laugh at my mistakes and forgive myself for them. and while it might sound quaint, it wasn’t easy. if you would’ve talked to me in the first few months of 2019, i would’ve told you it was the worst time of my life. and it was. 21 has been the hardest year of my life, but yet one of the sweetest because i put in so much love into myself. i stopped pouring into others. that’s not my job nor has it ever been. it is my job to pour into myself and teach others how to pour into themselves. this was hard because i had to learn how to take care of myself. you see, i had unhealthy patterns, which were formed as a response to some trauma if i’m being honest. i was codependent on those close to me. i ended up being in this sort of isolation, where i had to learn myself. it literally was like my world was falling apart. and granted- it was. but i can sit here and talk about it because i learned from it. and i’m happy it did; for now i have this life i love.

i had to create a strict regimen to take care of myself. meditation twice a day, three meals a day, nine hours of sleep, a gallon of water a day, hair washed weekly, no sex, no alcohol, no drugs, and yoga three times a week. i would force myself to get up. it was hard. and i forced myself because i knew that it was my job to take care of me, so i had to really learn how to do it. last semester, i spent a lot of time alone. for the first time ever really. i had time to think and decide what i wanted. and by the end of the semester i forreal still didn’t know. over the summer i did a similar regimen and same for this semester. it’s kept me on track. i enrolled in group therapy as well as individual, to learn how to manage my anxiety. i created healthy boundaries with those close to me, so i could have maintain my space while being with others. i had to learn to let myself be loved; that was very scary, because i had gotten so used to being alone.

i’m learning right now how to forgive people. i’ve created an action plan which involves stepping away from the situation, reevaluating it, talking it out (not to necessarily follow others advise, but to hear it aloud for myself) and writing/painting. i’ve turned to art as a healing force as well as yoga and meditation.

but most of all, i make an effort to think about what i truly want. and how i can get that. and now it’s like i’m at this point where i have to be willing to take the leap. i’m moving across the country. like packing up my life and moving. and while i’m super excited cause the grad program was my #1 choice, i’m starting over. and i pray this new life is all i wanted and more.

i know it will be because for once i’m getting to know mayah and figuring out what she likes. who she is, how she identifies, what makes her happy, what makes her sad. it’s like i can truly feel again. it’s like i’ve became the person i always wanted to be. and the crazy part is, i’m elevating and will only go higher.

nerves

lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. but luckily, i’m aware of the trigger.

i start my last semester of undergrad on Tuesday and to be frank i’m terrified. there are so many changes coming this semester, and though they’re all based on conscious decisions I made, i’m still nervous.

i’m feeling sad about going back to school for a few reasons. one, i feel like i don’t have any friends in the capacity that i want. i feel like i’m going to go back to school and no one is going to care whether i’m there or not, and that my presence at school neither positively nor negatively affects anyone. it’s like i’m going back to a space where i don’t feel like theres any love there.

and i know this is partially because i had a really hard last semester. i had to make some decisions that ended up being worthwhile in the long run, but that caused me a lot of pain. and it’s like i’m scared to go back to any sort of space that reminds me of all of this pain. and when I came home from school, I was able to further my healing.

i’m also nervous to be alone, physically. while normally at school i spend most of my time alone, i was with my sister everyday for most of the summer. and while she goes to Michigan we’re not living together nor taking the same classes. so it’ll just be different. my sister is one of the few people i know truly cares about me.

while i’m excited to get my own studio apartment, i’m still nervous about the friends aspect. i love having my own space and being alone, but sometimes i would like someone to hang out with. but i don’t feel like i have anyone that would want to hang out with me nor want to make the 15 minute drive from campus to my apt.

so while i am super nervous, i am trying to be open, and open my heart to unconditional love and allow this year to be full of great experiences. it’s just harder for me because i have to get past the “well what if i get hurt again?” feeling. all i can say is i just keep praying for a friend. and just keep reminding myself that i’m in a new space and it will be better.

where i am

it’s been too long. within this time i’ve been healing, learning to love myself and others and working everyday to create a peaceful life for me. i’ve permanently ended a relationship i thought would last lifetimes and created new ones that i am confident will serve me as long as i need.

so i want to share three gems, i’ve learned while being in Cuba and being home.

trust your body- this is important because it is your guide. take the time you need to care for yourself. while in cuba i struggled a lot with food and i’ve learned that your body will tell you what you need and use what you have to survive. your body has your best interest in heart. take care of it. that means sleeping well, eating well, and doing physical and mental activity that heals you. when you take care of yourself you feel so much better. but this requires effort and planning and adaptability. it’s an ongoing process in which you have to have a lot of patience- some days may be hard but the journey is so worth it.
reflection instead of critiquing- sometimes you’ll look and you may have wanted to do differently. but it is important to make sure that you are reflection to heal not to hurt. sometimes i have a habit of getting “down” on myself and acting like i am this horrible person when i make a mistake. but that is not the goal of reflection. the goal is to say this is where i am and this is what i want- how can i get there? kind words and thoughts towards yourself can go a long way.
it’s okay to need help- i have resented asking for help for a while now. it’s because the intentions of others may not be pure enough for my liking. but surround yourself with those whose intentions are pure. who actually want you to succeed. and in those spaces you can ask for help. allow yourself to be vulnerable, but only after you feel comfortable. again, allow your body and spirit to guide you. you know what feels right.

i’ll write more about cuba and what i learned later, but for now, just know living there changed my life.

the mAKing of an Alpha woman

After lots of prayers and long nights, I completed my goal of joining Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Incorporated Beta Eta Chapter on November 18th, 2018. After becoming a member, I’ve been asked a lot of similar questions.

Why did I join?

I joined my sorority first and foremost for an increase of opportunities to support my community. As a humanitarian, I believe that it’s really important to give back to the community. And being a member of a sorority that embodies service, I’ve been able to serve my community better.

How do I like it?

I love it! Not only have I made friends within my chapter, but I’ve been able to connect with others from other chapters as well as other organizations. It’s been great!

What’s been the best part?

My favorite part has been able to connect with others within my chapter. By doing so, I have made a lot of genuine friendships. I also have been able to attend a lot more social events, because I have more people to hang out with!

All in all, I know I joined the right sorority for me. This process has been life-changing and I’ve grown so much. And I can proudly say, deep in my heart, I love my AKA.

(This was my gift from our gift exchange, from my sister Taylor!)