hi y’all. i haven’t blogged in forever. overall i would say i’m doing alright. my grad school program is on a gap smester so i’ve been job hunting like crazy to try to find something. i told my mom i feel like i’m thoriwng paint at a wall and waiting to see what sticks. and that eventually something will stick soon.
i have been journaling a LOT. i have one i started last july and it’s well over seventy pages now. i just write when i feel like it. it’s really become my way to think and process things. this is something i definetely still do with other people about actionable items (lol) but not for emotions. i’ve really been “slowing down to feel all the feels”.
i still go for walks and can’t wait for it to get warm again. i’m prayerful that i’ll be able to get the vaccine soon. i’m in group 1C cause of my asthma but this process has been so slow.
i also wanted to show a little something i’ve been working on- a virtual yoga studio!
you can check out my IG for updates. basically i’m currently going to offer three classes a week (two yin and the one breathwork and meditation). i’ll also be available for privates.
if you’re interested in booking, head over to this link which is my ribbon page. i will offer on demand classes as well, in my library on ribbon too. my ring light should be here tomorrow so then i’ll get to recording content!
thanks so much for your support in advance. namaste!
i’ve spent most of my time lately, at home. while i’m still in school, i’ve had so much more time for yoga and meditation, and healing. i’m astonished at how much i’ve grown, in just two months. honestly i feel like a new person.
one of the biggest things for me is looking at my life from a different perspective. from the perspective that everything is happening for a reason, which is to help me grow closer to God. it gives me comfort. i know that my experiences are teaching me things. “All you are is God and you cannot hurt me, thank you for being my teacher.” ive started thinking of my emotions as indicators of a problem and to be joyous when i find things to release. much of this is credited to my mom and Louise Hay (her book you can heal your life is AMAZING- 10/10 recommendation)
lately, i’ve been working through old emotions. sadness about things that i thought i had completely healed from. i’ve learned that old things come up so you can let them go. and to be grateful during this process of letting go.
i’ve also learned that forgiveness is based on being willing to forgive. and i’ve learned that you can forgive and choose to not continue the relationship. in my mother’s words, “you (the person being forgiven) took it too far.” sometimes it’s too far to rekindle a relationship. and all that means is you learned what you needed from them.
i’m also working on staying present more. i have a very active imagination and have my whole life. i daydream constantly. while i enjoy these qualities and know that they make me, me, i want to spend more time being engaged in the real world. to do this, i’ll keep doing yoga and probably start journaling more. i bought a passion planner which also has goal settings and prompts and stuff so i will use that as well.
as my chalkboard says “be intentional”. everyday i’m trying to be more of myself. to get to know me. and to be kinder to myself and the world.
gratitude is a deliberate choice. i’ll say it again, gratitude is a deliberate choice. you get to choose how you want to view situations. you get to choose how you want to talk about situations. you may not get to choose the situation. but you get to choose how you react to it.
i woke up this morning feeling very grateful and loved. i had ideas for rebranding and connecting my blog, twitter and instagram. i’ve been getting excited because i have more time to exercise, do yoga and do my hair. excited to sleep and get to recharge. i was feeling grateful for my family and my partner and overall feeling very happy. i had already done one of my workouts and some meditation.
then i had a thought of a situation that happened that made me feel unloved. it was time for me to follow a yoga class (one of the studios i thought about doing YTT at has free online classes right now), which i was also very grateful for. as i started the class i released the sad thoughts and started focusing more on my breath.
after the class was over i felt much better and went on to complete my morning routine. while i was doing it, anytime the sad thought would come back i would not give it any attention. i have so much to be grateful for and so many situations where i feel loved. why would i focus on the ones that i don’t?
i decided to focus my energy on being grateful. gratitude allows you to reflect on the good. there’s always something to be grateful for.
my message of the week for myself is take care. so the message of this post will be to take care of yourself by focusing on the good, investing in it and centering yourself in love and light. you got this!
yoga is the one thing in my life that will always make me feel better. writing sometimes makes me feel better, but always helps me think through what i’m going through. last year i started writing a book, about heartbreak and healing. it’s a collection of poetry that looks at heartbreak from multiple lenses, all from the perspective of the individual experiencing the pain. the collection in and of itself is raw, it explores many emotions that are painful and complex. i’m a few days into editing and honestly i love it. i can’t wait to see how the collection grows, what changes i make and how publishing works. while life is forcing me to sit and be still, i will be using my time to create, meditate and expand my yoga practice. i pray i grow stronger mentally, physically and emotionally. and i hope the same for you.
please enjoy one of the pieces from the book:
for years i was searching for someone like you for someone to love. i wanted more than anything to find you.
and today i looked up and i realized that i was the person i was waiting for all along.
that the universe was right that everything i needed truly was within me. and i’m so sorry it took me so long to see it. but so grateful i see it now.
because my love you are amazing. you are beautiful on the inside. your heart is big and kind. you think before you speak. you are deliberate with your words and on the occasion you are not you reflect. you think critically about what happened and why and what you were supposed to learn. you work to diminish your ego, so that lesson may be easier for you. because of your sensitive spirit words hurt you. and people hurt you. but you allow yourself to feel the pain and try very hard to get over it. even when it’s hard. you admit when you are wrong. no matter how embarrassed it makes you feel. and it took you a while to learn to admit when you needed help, but you’re learning it.
you love unconditionally and you set firm expectations the act of you loving is healing to yourself and to others you give just to give, but you demand to be respected.
you work hard to protect yourself and those you love. your anxiety makes it so that you are prepared for every scenario possible because you made a promise to yourself over 7 years ago and you still work EVERYDAY to keep it your dedication to yourself and your growth is unparalleled.
you are loyal and honest. you hold the people you love to the highest standards because you know they can do it. you support without pushing, for you understand that everyone is learning where they are and if you interfere, they may not learn as much as they could. and to you, learning is the most important thing.
you know when it’s time to go. you leave early and return to a world that you created for yourself. you nourish your body and your soul, on purpose.
you stay away from things and people that have hurt you. you want more than anything to protect yourself. your boundaries with yourself may not always be easy to adhere to, but you know it’s worth it.
my love you are the greatest blessing in my world. you are a blessing to the world. and i promise that know that i see that, i will always remember it.
“healing is not linear.” it’s a phrase i have seen and heard a billion times. i understood that healing took time, but i dont’t hink i truly understood what the non-linear part of healing is.
healing cannot be linear because that would mean that once you have “moved past it”, there would be no triggers, check-points, dates or anything in your life that would mirror any trauma you have had. therefore healing is a process because it’s the process of learning strategies to help you face these “triggers” better.
i’ve been looking forward to and dreading Valentine’s Day at the same time. part of me was very excited because i knew this valentine’s day would be way better than last year’s, because i’m in a better space emotionally, mentally and physcially. i have been investing in realtionships where i feel loved and supported, pursuing my passions (which takes up most of my time lol) and learning to take care of myself in this new space. it’s hard, but as one of my friends in my cohort told me, i need to give myself some grace, which i have been trying to. the other part of me was dreading valentine’s day because last valentine’s day was so horrible. my trust in someone was betrayed, unvealing patterns of gaslighting and emotional abuse within the relationship. to be frank, i was devasted.
it’s hard because from that devastation i was placed in this short (yet long) period of solititude. i deliberatly spent time investing in myself, getting to know myself better and learning my body. that effort i put in has become part of my daily routine and has made me so much stronger. my old therapist told me that one thing i can start doing is saying “and” instead of “but”. so i’ll try that hear. it’s hard for me to think of that trauma as “beneficial” because going through it was not fun. and while it was hard i am grateful for how much i have grown. i’m literally a different person today than i was last year. which i am happy about.
so i guess what i’m grappling with is the idea that events can be lifechanging and traumatizing. and that in those spaces you are allowed to be happy with where you are and sad about what has happened. i’m coming to that conclusion myself, which has been a little difficult without feeling like i’m betraying the mayah that was hurt or the mayah who is in a much better space today.
today has been complicated as have the days leading up to it. i was intentional with giving myself more grace this weekend. i’m going to do hot yoga tonight (one of my favorite activities), do my hair, and do a juice cleanse this weekend. the hot yoga is to start my detox and the physical process of me letting go. the next 30 or so hours will hoepfully all me to arrive at a space of higher consciousness, where i am more in tune with my body (and she will be able to reset) and fill myself with love.
on days like today i think about what i think love is- an intentional commitment to oneself and others. and i have committed to myself and others. so i guess that is what it’s all about.