as a child i was very in touch with my emotions. as i grew older, i wanted to become more detached from them, but they would still always show up. just in ways that weren’t fun- like blowing up over “nothing”. i internalized a lot of emotions because they were big and i didn’t know how to deal with them.
quarantining (which is what i just have decided to continue calling our “new normal” of leaving the house minimally and not coming in close contact with others) has given me a lot of time to slow down and feel all the feels.
and y’all, it is not fun. people talk about being single as this liberating period of time, where you really discover who you are. and while i do believe this is true, it has proven to be quite a challenge to sit with my big emotions and actually sort through them. pinpointing my needs. figuring out ways to meet them. i would say dating myself is one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life, if not the most.
i constantly find myself wondering, “God when will this subside?” Like when do i get to the point where it’s a passive discomfort, not this active pain. and my answer to myself is always something like “girl i don’t know but i sure hope it comes.”
and i guess that’s what hope is right. the faith that something better will come. and that one day, it’ll be a little less difficult. so please remember, it’s okay to feel big emotions.
one of the things I love the most is my own space. I enjoy it just being me. Sometimes, especially if there are a lot of people, I will purposely not go do something simply just to have my own space. It’s not that I dislike being around other people, it’s because I’m learning to protect my energy. During the first kundalini class I went to with my mother, we did this exercise were we purposely discussed all of the things that were “going wrong” in our lives with God. One of the things I mentioned was “why can’t I make friends?”; majority of the friendships I’ve had have ended, and I only really have two friends, and I don’t always talk to one of them that often. And I got a response from God very quickly; He said “It’s because you need to protect your energy”. I am a ray of sunshine (these are words from others but I agree completely) and I am a healer. Because of this, I feel like people are drawn to my bubbly personality, my caring spirit and quirky ways. But I have to protect my energy. It’s currently been a period of adjustment learning to do that. I feel as if when I’m in a group who wants me to go along, I have to assert my independence. It’s stepping into my power and really taking control over my life and what I want to do. I feel that this is an important lesson for me. Because the work that I’m doing in this lifetime is extremely important so I’m learning to allow others opinions of me simply be their opinions. It’s a process. One thing I’ve been doing to help a lot is yoga and meditation. It’s really been helping. So as I sit in my room right now, alone I embrace this space. I wanted a single, but having to share a room is exercising this muscle of control over myself, my power and my energy. I completely get to choose who I do interact with and how much. So my answer to things has been no a lot lately and it’s liberating. I’m in the driver’s seat in my life. And I think I need this experience to love that role.