self-love – mayah's site

solitude

i listened to a podcast today and it was talking about embracing solittitude and how the biggest thing is that prior to quarantine, there was so much time and space that would be filled.

and for the first time, i’ve really been learning to try to fill it with myself. when the pandemic first hit, i was forced to.

i would spend hours upon hours keeping myself busy. anything really, to avoid the stillness. as time went, on, i would start having more and more periods of stillness- intentionally taking time to do what i love.

one of the things that i do try to do (espeically after throwing myself a pity party) is to think about what i’m grateful for.

the immense loss that i enduried, opened me up to embracing solitude. for the first time, the only space i feel i have where i can be truly emotionally vulnerable, is with myself. i feel my feelings and i console myself. most of these feelings aren’t shared and for the first time, i don’t want them to be.

this space of emotional vulnerability is blissful. i almost feel like this-

so after the storm, all the houses blew down. there was nothing left. the house we built was destroyed. and she was no where to be found. i cried and cried, because why had this happened? where did our home go? where was she? how was i going to clean this up?

after a few weeks of immense sorrow, i started sifting through the remains of the house. it was hard. i remembered memories that i had forgotten, sifted through more sadness than i had ever imagined was possible.

eventually, i had to come to peace with the fact that the house was gone. that it wasn’t going to magically come back, and that there was nothing i could have done to make the house stay. that all i had done was try to build the house correctly. but i had very little experience building a house. i only tried with my own house. and that was still being built too.

so i left the site of the old house. i picked up some of my favorite things, backed them in a canvas tote, and went oward. i went to my house.

this light blue home with the wrap around porch was far from finished.

i started with the foundation. day by day, minute by minute. i went to stores i had never even known existed (thanks google) to purchase new materials. it was hard luggin ghtem back tot he house. but very well worth it.

i’ve been slowly building and building for weeks now. and though my house is not finished yet, i feel like my foundation is solid.

i know that eventually i will have a house. with furniture and a garden and everything that i need. until then, i will keep whistling while i work.

i don’t really have a title

i originally started this post on june 20th. i wrote the following, in a state of confusion and unsure of what i would really do:

i don’t really have a title for this post. because if i titled it, i would probably say, i think i might be moving, but it seems to early to say that.

in eight days, it’ll be six months since i moved to georgia. i was excited, nervous, and ready to start this next chapter of my life. i got into a great graduate school program. it definitely took some adjusting, getting used to being in georgia, but by march, i would say i was well on my way.

for the past three months, i’ve been sheltering in place, over 600 miles away from my family. it’s been a challenge to say the least. and as things are changing, it seems to be getting safer to go places, i finally made plans to go home. i think i’ve slowly, but steadily pushed past my fear of leaving the house.

i was asked yesterday why i don’t just stay at home, and it’s like well why don’t i?

if i’m being honest, it’s because that makes me feel like i would be giving up.

today, i have moved back home. sunday it was a week. we drove back 6 months, to the DAY, from when we drove down to georgia. i don’t know how long i’ll be here. i don’t know what the future holds. if i think too far it’s confusing and i’m unsure. i’m making decisions everyday to try to make myself feel good.

but what i do know is i’ve smiled more in the last week being at home than i have in months. i do know i missed the michigan sun in the summer time. i do know i’m in a safe space to work through my anxiety. and i do know, i’ve felt MUCH better. my screen time has decreased. i walked 2.4 miles yesterday.

it’s almost like i feel like a person again. like a real person.

i’ve been thinking alot about love and what it means to me. and how it feels to be surrounded by love. and how i want to be surrounded by love.

i don’t know what that will look like. i’m hoping it includes a puppy. so we shall see.

i’ve been learning that it’s okay for me to let people love me. and that while i was alone i learned to fill my bucket up all by myself (which i will say was MUCH harder when you’re stuck indoors). and i’m grateful. because i appreciate the yawn my mother makes when she wakes up, just a little bit more.

whew, i feel much better

i’ve spent most of my time lately, at home. while i’m still in school, i’ve had so much more time for yoga and meditation, and healing. i’m astonished at how much i’ve grown, in just two months. honestly i feel like a new person.

one of the biggest things for me is looking at my life from a different perspective. from the perspective that everything is happening for a reason, which is to help me grow closer to God. it gives me comfort. i know that my experiences are teaching me things. “All you are is God and you cannot hurt me, thank you for being my teacher.” ive started thinking of my emotions as indicators of a problem and to be joyous when i find things to release. much of this is credited to my mom and Louise Hay (her book you can heal your life is AMAZING- 10/10 recommendation)

lately, i’ve been working through old emotions. sadness about things that i thought i had completely healed from. i’ve learned that old things come up so you can let them go. and to be grateful during this process of letting go.

i’ve also learned that forgiveness is based on being willing to forgive. and i’ve learned that you can forgive and choose to not continue the relationship. in my mother’s words, “you (the person being forgiven) took it too far.” sometimes it’s too far to rekindle a relationship. and all that means is you learned what you needed from them.

i’m also working on staying present more. i have a very active imagination and have my whole life. i daydream constantly. while i enjoy these qualities and know that they make me, me, i want to spend more time being engaged in the real world. to do this, i’ll keep doing yoga and probably start journaling more. i bought a passion planner which also has goal settings and prompts and stuff so i will use that as well.

as my chalkboard says “be intentional”. everyday i’m trying to be more of myself. to get to know me. and to be kinder to myself and the world.

to be loved

i define love as an action to support oneself or others. and i love love. i love the idea of being loved by others and others being loved as well.

one of my favorite things is to see others being loved. i think that’s my favorite thing about social media, it that i can see snippets of how others express love. while there’s always more to the story, i am always inspired by expressions of love.

it’s overwhelming at times, because it gives me so much happiness to know that others feel loved.

it’s also a reminder to me- that the love i believe in and want exists. while i know that it does, because it exists within me, it’s a reminder that love exists within each of us and that’s what connects us.

so please, love out loud. love boldly. take the word love seriously. take the commitment you make when you say you love someone seriously. how are you committing to your own wellbeing? to others? how would others want you to show your commitment? how will you show your commitment to yourself?

intentionally

i’ve been on this journey of self-love for years now. i made this blog back in 2014 and if you look back at old posts you’ll see me raving about what it means to love someone or even yourself.

the way i define love now is the commitment to the bettering of oneself or another. so when i think of self-love, i think of what i actually do to better myself. that includes a lot of things, like sleeping, buy nutrious food to eat, cooking for myself, doing yoga, etc. my self love practices answer the question- what am i doing to help me?

so what am i doing to help me? lots of meditation and yoga. lots of meditating in yoga. lots of yoga in my meditations. i’m at the point where i’m doing yoga and meditating twice a day. i probably spend at least 2 hours daily for both. and honestly, it’s been amazing.

i feel more like me. more like me than i’ve ever felt. when i work during the day (i’m in graduate school full time), i am more reflective. i am more thoughtful. i put in more energy to my work and it’s a better quality.

i show up for myself everyday. i can count on my hands how many times in this last month i have not done yoga.

loving yourself doesn’t be have to be anything fancy. it’s just setting an intention. when setting your intention here are somethings to think about:

what makes me happy?
when do i feel most alive?
what’s one thing i can do today to make the day great?
how is my mindset reflective of what i want?
is there anything i can do to make the best out of the situation i am in?

by taking the time out to answer these questions and ones similar to it, you’ll start learning to identify what makes you happy and how you can incorporate that into your life. to often people turn to friends and others to make them happy. true happiness comes from within! cultivating your own happiness is your responsibility. start small. you’ll see big changes.