new space

I wrote the following to publish in October but never published it-

in this new space, i’ve been preparing for the future and all the good it’s going to bring me. i’ve been working on taking care of myself, doing my homework, and dedicating my limited time to things that make me happy. the last two weeks i’ve been super busy and after Monday, my life is going to slow down and I’m excited. i want to enjoy this new space. in this new space, i’m alone most of the time. i pretty much get up, get ready for work, work, go to class, do homework and then go home. i’ve had days where i haven’t talked to one person. it’s almost like isolation. i was talking to my cousin, cause she worked her way through school and she was basically like you have to make time to take care of yourself and hang out with people. i knew i would have to do to this, but it’s harder than i expected. like i studied (not alone) and was talking and laughing and i after was like mayah you were not nearly as productive as you are alone. it’s easy to be alone. i don’t disappoint myself. I’ve been working on being ore compassionate, so when I make mistakes, I know that I’m trying my best forreal. it’s so different for me to be alone. i used to never fr be alone, or if i was it was for a very short period of time and i would find someone to hang out with. and when i had roommate(s), i saw someone everyday. it’s different but i’m getting used to it. and i will say i love my new space.

 

so what are my goals? so i did a visualization activity with my chapter and it had to be personal. and what i really want is to make a best friend. like a really good friend. to do more yoga. to increase my therapeutic resources and tactics to reduce my anxiety. to be happier and figure out more of what makes me happy.

i keep the activity i did with my chapter in my planner. it shows exactly what i wanted at that time. it’s just a reminder that as i grow, i want to reflect on what i have gained. therapy was a great resource for me. it was a physical step of me saying i needed help. but i also used light therapy as well. light therapy is essentially energy work, like reiki or (energy) healing sessions. these have helped me a lot! this, along with meditations and yoga have helped me embrace my alone time. as i prepare to move, i know that i will be my own best friend, understanding that my alone time is crucial for my development. i look back and reflect on how bad i wanted to learn to love myself, but how i truly didn’t know how. for me it took self- discipline.

i write notes to myself to remind myself of what is important. one of the notes i have in my planner is “you’re doing the best you can and you did the best you could at that time and you will grow to do better. be patient, you’re growing.”  when i saw this while flipping through my planner last week i thought “aww mayah that’s so nice you’re so nice to yourself”. and honestly, that’s the energy i’m going to keep- i deserve to be nice to myself. i deserve to be loved. by others but first and foremost, by mayah. 

 

if you so feel compelled, check out the hyperlinks. the reiki one is to my mom’s site and the healing one is to eve’s site. they’re both amazing and have helped me tremendously throughout my journey. and while i’m here shouting out people, shoutout to monique (just cause she’s great and very helpful). love you all.

boundaries

i’m up, but i should be sleep. i’ve been trying to calm my mind, through meditation and clearing old things. life has been a little hectic and i’ve been feeling overwhelmed. but i was lead to think about my boundaries and realize i only have to do what i am comfortable with. my actions will reflect my greatest and highest good and to trust my gut instinct no matter the consequences. earlier when i was feeling overwhelmed i was worried i was inconveniencing others, when in reality i need to analyze what was inconveniencing me. so i addressed the situation and said no. you see that’s been an issue for me for a while to say no because i get worried sometimes about how things will play out. but i have realized the show will still start without me. i have to do what’s best for me.

and by setting boundaries it is my hope that i will get to do all i have hoped for and more. but again- when you’re doing for others you get to make the rules. when you volunteer you get to say actually no i can’t. or that you need a minute.

take time to take care of you and your needs. you are the most important person in your world for without you all relationships you hold would stop existing.

discomfort

its another night that i’m up around 3, with a lot of discomfort. my stomach hurts- i’ve been in pain for weeks. when i went to the doctor i was told to increase my fiber and take daily laxactives. i did the first part- there’s just no way i can take a laxactive everyday. i’ve been drinking soluble fiber- in the form of capsules and juice. it’s getting things rolling, but i’ve been drinking the juice and still had pain. the first day i drank it i was in so much pain we had to leave target cause i literally could not do the whole walking around thing.

it’s times like these, were i want to sleep but can’t, that i wonder what this discomfort is to teach me. it’s gone on so long it must be full of lessons.

  1. you are what you eat- i’ve noticed the cleanier i eat (staying away from sugary snacks and dairy) the less pain i’m in. i’ve cut out dairy completely, after one day i was in so much pain i was lying on my mother crying. i’ve stopped eating late (after 7) for a pretty similar reason.
    be patient- i’ve been waiting and waiting for my test results. but i guess i just have to be patient. it’s often makes me upset why i don’t have them yet, but i guess it’s not time yet.
    trust your gut- literally. i’ve had to rely on feeling. while digestion has become more painful, i’ve had to rely on the facts. my doctor told me to increase my fiber. the first day i did i was in so much pain- i literally was almost crying in target.

i’m still not sure what’s wrong with my stomach, or why i’m up right now, but i’ve been asking. i want to learn from this, so i can grow. so hopefully i can fall back asleep soon and continue getting some rest- last night was the best sleep i’ve had in a minute so hopefully tonight is the same.

everyone needs different support

so i was doing some reflecting on my healing process and how i healed. and how it was mostly individual and how i really didn’t feel supported by much of anyone, besides my mom and my two sisters. and i was thinking about why and how i try to support others.

and i realized its because i needed different things than other people may need. while i do believe with healing space is necessary, i do feel that i was not supported in that space.

but that’s because i had to learn to stand on my own, so i had to have the time alone.

and if i’m being honest, i still have a lot of alone time. and i am a little nervous about going back to school and living on my own. because i don’t really have anyone close to me. i don’t have a best friend.

but i’m learning to make my peace with that, and in this moment i am feeling a little sad about it.

but i have faith that all will be well. and that i just needed something different.

where i am

it’s been too long. within this time i’ve been healing, learning to love myself and others and working everyday to create a peaceful life for me. i’ve permanently ended a relationship i thought would last lifetimes and created new ones that i am confident will serve me as long as i need.

so i want to share three gems, i’ve learned while being in Cuba and being home.

  1. trust your body- this is important because it is your guide. take the time you need to care for yourself. while in cuba i struggled a lot with food and i’ve learned that your body will tell you what you need and use what you have to survive. your body has your best interest in heart. take care of it. that means sleeping well, eating well, and doing physical and mental activity that heals you. when you take care of yourself you feel so much better. but this requires effort and planning and adaptability. it’s an ongoing process in which you have to have a lot of patience- some days may be hard but the journey is so worth it.
  2. reflection instead of critiquing- sometimes you’ll look and you may have wanted to do differently. but it is important to make sure that you are reflection to heal not to hurt. sometimes i have a habit of getting “down” on myself and acting like i am this horrible person when i make a mistake. but that is not the goal of reflection. the goal is to say this is where i am and this is what i want- how can i get there? kind words and thoughts towards yourself can go a long way.
  3. it’s okay to need help- i have resented asking for help for a while now. it’s because the intentions of others may not be pure enough for my liking. but surround yourself with those whose intentions are pure. who actually want you to succeed. and in those spaces you can ask for help. allow yourself to be vulnerable, but only after you feel comfortable. again, allow your body and spirit to guide you. you know what feels right.

i’ll write more about cuba and what i learned later, but for now, just know living there changed my life.