i’m writing a book (maybe? yes? no?)

yoga is the one thing in my life that will always make me feel better. writing sometimes makes me feel better, but always helps me think through what i’m going through. last year i started writing a book, about heartbreak and healing. it’s a collection of poetry that looks at heartbreak from multiple lenses, all from the perspective of the individual experiencing the pain. the collection in and of itself is raw, it explores many emotions that are painful and complex. i’m a few days into editing and honestly i love it. i can’t wait to see how the collection grows, what changes i make and how publishing works. while life is forcing me to sit and be still, i will be using my time to create, meditate and expand my yoga practice. i pray i grow stronger mentally, physically and emotionally. and i hope the same for you.

please enjoy one of the pieces from the book:

for years i was searching for someone like you
for someone to love.
i wanted more than anything to find you.

and today i looked up and i realized that i was the person i was waiting for all along.

that the universe was right that everything i needed truly was within me.
and i’m so sorry it took me so long to see it. but so grateful i see it now.

because my love you are amazing.
you are beautiful on the inside.
your heart is big and kind.
you think before you speak. you are deliberate with your words and on the occasion you are not you reflect. you think critically about what happened and why and what you were supposed to learn.
you work to diminish your ego, so that lesson may be easier for you.
because of your sensitive spirit words hurt you. and people hurt you. but you allow yourself to feel the pain and try very hard to get over it. even when it’s hard.
you admit when you are wrong. no matter how embarrassed it makes you feel.
and it took you a while to learn to admit when you needed help, but you’re learning it.

you love unconditionally and you set firm expectations
the act of you loving is healing to yourself and to others
you give just to give, but you demand to be respected.

you work hard to protect yourself and those you love.
your anxiety makes it so that you are prepared for every scenario possible because you made a promise to yourself over 7 years ago and you still work EVERYDAY to keep it your dedication to yourself and your growth is unparalleled.

you are loyal and honest. you hold the people you love to the highest standards because you know they can do it. you support without pushing, for you understand that everyone is learning where they are and if you interfere, they may not learn as much as they could. and to you, learning is the most important thing.

you know when it’s time to go. you leave early and return to a world that you created for yourself. you nourish your body and your soul, on purpose.

you stay away from things and people that have hurt you. you want more than anything to protect yourself. your boundaries with yourself may not always be easy to adhere to, but you know it’s worth it.

my love you are the greatest blessing in my world. you are a blessing to the world. and i promise that know that i see that, i will always remember it.

to heal

“healing is not linear.” it’s a phrase i have seen and heard a billion times. i understood that healing took time, but i dont’t hink i truly understood what the non-linear part of healing is.

healing cannot be linear because that would mean that once you have “moved past it”, there would be no triggers, check-points, dates or anything in your life that would mirror any trauma you have had. therefore healing is a process because it’s the process of learning strategies to help you face these “triggers” better.

i’ve been looking forward to and dreading Valentine’s Day at the same time. part of me was very excited because i knew this valentine’s day would be way better than last year’s, because i’m in a better space emotionally, mentally and physcially. i have been investing in realtionships where i feel loved and supported, pursuing my passions (which takes up most of my time lol) and learning to take care of myself in this new space. it’s hard, but as one of my friends in my cohort told me, i need to give myself some grace, which i have been trying to. the other part of me was dreading valentine’s day because last valentine’s day was so horrible. my trust in someone was betrayed, unvealing patterns of gaslighting and emotional abuse within the relationship. to be frank, i was devasted.

it’s hard because from that devastation i was placed in this short (yet long) period of solititude. i deliberatly spent time investing in myself, getting to know myself better and learning my body. that effort i put in has become part of my daily routine and has made me so much stronger. my old therapist told me that one thing i can start doing is saying “and” instead of “but”. so i’ll try that hear. it’s hard for me to think of that trauma as “beneficial” because going through it was not fun. and while it was hard i am grateful for how much i have grown. i’m literally a different person today than i was last year. which i am happy about.

so i guess what i’m grappling with is the idea that events can be lifechanging and traumatizing. and that in those spaces you are allowed to be happy with where you are and sad about what has happened. i’m coming to that conclusion myself, which has been a little difficult without feeling like i’m betraying the mayah that was hurt or the mayah who is in a much better space today.

today has been complicated as have the days leading up to it. i was intentional with giving myself more grace this weekend. i’m going to do hot yoga tonight (one of my favorite activities), do my hair, and do a juice cleanse this weekend. the hot yoga is to start my detox and the physical process of me letting go. the next 30 or so hours will hoepfully all me to arrive at a space of higher consciousness, where i am more in tune with my body (and she will be able to reset) and fill myself with love.

on days like today i think about what i think love is- an intentional commitment to oneself and others. and i have committed to myself and others. so i guess that is what it’s all about.

2020

i’m laying down, its 6 am and i’m in my apartment in atlanta. that’s crazy for me to even say. i moved. across the country. my biggest accomplishment of the decade was graduating early with a 3.6. my biggest change was moving to go to graduate school. these things happened within the same month. within a month, my whole world has literally changed. while my heart aches, for fear of the new, it also smiles. this is my chance to start over. to be me from the beginning. i’m nervous while excited. sad but happy. the complexity of these emotions is interesting. it’s all new. all of it. so i am writing to tell God and my angels thank you for your support in 2019 and all the years prior. i devote this year to serving You and fulfilling my purpose.

21, a summary

Today is my last day being 21. I lay in bed, on vacation, awake in pain. my stomach, like clockwork, hurts yet again. the pain is gut renching, i can’t speak for real, can barely stand, and make it up just enough to go take my herbal laxative, get a piece of mint gum and some water. this has become a part of my normal routine. and i am tired.

21 has been a very hard year for me. i have grown in so many ways and a lot of times it was situations forcing me to reflect and grow, which was uncomfortable. the pain i have in my stomach is the same. so what’s the issue you ask? constipation. gas. my digestive system is off. i have tried so many things to get it on track but since i’m on vacation i haven’t been sticking to my new routine (hot lemon water first thing in the morning and i was thinking about drinking a glass of water before each meal). i’m tired. of the pain. of the emotional drain.

this is one thing I want to leave behind in my 21st year- the pain. i want to find better solutions that help me maintain balance, without having to do periods of intense cleanse (no dairy, low sugar diet- no sweets or anything with more than 11 grams of sugar). it’s restriction after restriction and me continually telling myself no when my heart and body says yes.

i want to feel better. i want to be better. but most of all, i just want some rest.

graduating

these last few months have been filled with unexpected blessings. and honestly, i finally feel like i’m reaping what i have sown. I graduate in 6 days. I move to go to graduate school in 20. I start my grad program in less than a month. i’ve learned to manage my anxiety. i bought a car. i’m moving to be on my own. i brought my girlfriend over for thanksgiving to meet my family. my best friend since i was 9 became an aka and i got to be there. i stood up to protect spaces for black students within UM. i will be graduating with honors. and i will be going to grad school for free (this is yet to be confirmed, i’m just putting it out there (see blog post on law of attraction). and i went to yoga five times this past week. i gained the weight back i lost and am on a currently dairy free and low sugar diet (diet meaning lifestyle in this context). i am battling my stomach issues with love and am confident i will find a regimen where i will be pain free (again, law of attraction).

so as i reflect on this year and how hard it was for me, i have realized one major thing. i learned how to be alone. 

i learned how to love myself, each and every bit. i learned to laugh at my mistakes and forgive myself for them. and while it might sound quaint, it wasn’t easy. if you would’ve talked to me in the first few months of 2019, i would’ve told you it was the worst time of my life. and it was. 21 has been the hardest year of my life, but yet one of the sweetest because i put in so much love into myself. i stopped pouring into others. that’s not my job nor has it ever been. it is my job to pour into myself and teach others how to pour into themselves. this was hard  because i had to learn how to take care of myself. you see, i had unhealthy patterns, which were formed as a response to some trauma if i’m being honest. i was codependent on those close to me. i ended up being in this sort of isolation, where i had to learn myself. it literally was like my world was falling apart. and granted- it was. but i can sit here and talk about it because i learned from it. and i’m happy it did; for now i have this life i love.

i had to create a strict regimen to take care of myself. meditation twice a day, three meals a day, nine hours of sleep, a gallon of water a day, hair washed weekly, no sex, no alcohol, no drugs, and yoga three times a week. i would force myself to get up. it was hard. and i forced myself because i knew that it was my job to take care of me, so i had to really learn how to do it. last semester, i spent a lot of time alone. for the first time ever really. i had time to think and decide what i wanted. and by the end of the semester i forreal still didn’t know. over the summer i did a similar regimen and same for this semester. it’s kept me on track. i enrolled in group therapy as well as individual, to learn how to manage my anxiety. i created healthy boundaries with those close to me, so i could have maintain my space while being with others. i had to learn to let myself be loved; that was very scary, because i had gotten so used to being alone.

i’m learning right now how to forgive people. i’ve created an action plan which involves stepping away from the situation, reevaluating it, talking it out (not to necessarily follow others advise, but to hear it aloud for myself) and writing/painting. i’ve turned to art as a healing force as well as yoga and meditation.

but most of all, i make an effort to think about what i truly want. and how i can get that. and now it’s like i’m at this point where i have to be willing to take the leap. i’m moving across the country. like packing up my life and moving. and while i’m super excited cause the grad program was my #1 choice, i’m starting over. and i pray this new life is all i wanted and more.

i know it will be because for once i’m getting to know mayah and figuring out what she likes. who she is, how she identifies, what makes her happy, what makes her sad. it’s like i can truly feel again. it’s like i’ve became the person i always wanted to be. and the crazy part is, i’m elevating and will only go higher.