gratitude is a deliberate choice. i’ll say it again, gratitude is a deliberate choice. you get to choose how you want to view situations. you get to choose how you want to talk about situations. you may not get to choose the situation. but you get to choose how you react to it.
i woke up this morning feeling very grateful and loved. i had ideas for rebranding and connecting my blog, twitter and instagram. i’ve been getting excited because i have more time to exercise, do yoga and do my hair. excited to sleep and get to recharge. i was feeling grateful for my family and my partner and overall feeling very happy. i had already done one of my workouts and some meditation.
then i had a thought of a situation that happened that made me feel unloved. it was time for me to follow a yoga class (one of the studios i thought about doing YTT at has free online classes right now), which i was also very grateful for. as i started the class i released the sad thoughts and started focusing more on my breath.
after the class was over i felt much better and went on to complete my morning routine. while i was doing it, anytime the sad thought would come back i would not give it any attention. i have so much to be grateful for and so many situations where i feel loved. why would i focus on the ones that i don’t?
i decided to focus my energy on being grateful. gratitude allows you to reflect on the good. there’s always something to be grateful for.
my message of the week for myself is take care. so the message of this post will be to take care of yourself by focusing on the good, investing in it and centering yourself in love and light. you got this!
i’m laying down, its 6 am and i’m in my apartment in atlanta. that’s crazy for me to even say. i moved. across the country. my biggest accomplishment of the decade was graduating early with a 3.6. my biggest change was moving to go to graduate school. these things happened within the same month. within a month, my whole world has literally changed. while my heart aches, for fear of the new, it also smiles. this is my chance to start over. to be me from the beginning. i’m nervous while excited. sad but happy. the complexity of these emotions is interesting. it’s all new. all of it. so i am writing to tell God and my angels thank you for your support in 2019 and all the years prior. i devote this year to serving You and fulfilling my purpose.
lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. but luckily, i’m aware of the trigger.
i start my last semester of undergrad on Tuesday and to be frank i’m terrified. there are so many changes coming this semester, and though they’re all based on conscious decisions I made, i’m still nervous.
i’m feeling sad about going back to school for a few reasons. one, i feel like i don’t have any friends in the capacity that i want. i feel like i’m going to go back to school and no one is going to care whether i’m there or not, and that my presence at school neither positively nor negatively affects anyone. it’s like i’m going back to a space where i don’t feel like theres any love there.
and i know this is partially because i had a really hard last semester. i had to make some decisions that ended up being worthwhile in the long run, but that caused me a lot of pain. and it’s like i’m scared to go back to any sort of space that reminds me of all of this pain. and when I came home from school, I was able to further my healing.
i’m also nervous to be alone, physically. while normally at school i spend most of my time alone, i was with my sister everyday for most of the summer. and while she goes to Michigan we’re not living together nor taking the same classes. so it’ll just be different. my sister is one of the few people i know truly cares about me.
while i’m excited to get my own studio apartment, i’m still nervous about the friends aspect. i love having my own space and being alone, but sometimes i would like someone to hang out with. but i don’t feel like i have anyone that would want to hang out with me nor want to make the 15 minute drive from campus to my apt.
so while i am super nervous, i am trying to be open, and open my heart to unconditional love and allow this year to be full of great experiences. it’s just harder for me because i have to get past the “well what if i get hurt again?” feeling. all i can say is i just keep praying for a friend. and just keep reminding myself that i’m in a new space and it will be better.
One thing I’m working on currently is only available for myself. I’ve realized after coming back to school, seeing friends, having my first Founders’ Day that I needed some down time to be alone. And I’ve realized for me that having spaces after social interaction to relax in my room and be to myself, is super helpful. Last night I had a goal that I would be in bed by 10, and I was. I didn’t go right to sleep, but I was relaxing and enjoying my personal space. I’ve decided that I want to be more conscious of dedicating hours (like two or so) to just enjoying my space alone. This is a different type of self-care. My normal type of self-care includes me doing yoga or relaxing, but at a yoga studio I’m not alone. Doing things alone have also helped me to. On Founders’ Day, a lot of the girls in my chapter wanted to go out and I decided to go. I ended up meeting them there and walked in to the party by myself. And when I was getting out the uber I was actually really nervous cause I was alone. And then I thought about how I had no issue going to the mall when I was alone in Quito. Or walking to yoga, even when it was a city I didn’t even know, in a different country. I think that’s because here there is this mindset that there are certain activities you should do with people. While I do not recommend partying in a club and not knowing anyone there (like I said I was meeting people), it made me think about doing things I want to do alone. And the thing is I do, and you should too. Going places alone teaches you to depend on yourself, watch your surroundings and forces you to be present. So take your time to be alone and get to know yourself a little bit better.
Making good decisions is something that I strive for in my daily life. To continue making them, it is my goal to stick to schedule; which incorporates me time along with time with friends. Making sure that I’m good emotionally, helps me make decisions. In anxiety I discussed how I have used yoga and daily meditation as ways to cope (and conquer) my anxiety. I also make sure that I’m sleeping well and eating healthy. Doing these things help me feel like the best version of myself. I also am working on maintaining a strong school schedule.
One thing that I’ve been working on is the art of quitting. I was raised that though life can be challenging, I am capable of overcoming these obstacles. This led me to have an I can do anything attitude. While I think that it helped me a lot, it means I have struggled with quitting. Last year, I was secretary of an organization that I was passionate about, but the work load was too much for me. So I quit. It was the first time I said officially I quit and meant it. For most other things, like playing the piano, I had just stopped. But this I quit.
Today, for the first time ever, I dropped a class. The class honestly was a lot of work, and did not really affect my schedule (by not really, I will still graduate in three and a half years). But by dropping the class, I am saving myself from a lot of headache. But the problem is, there will be a W on my transcript, so it will be known that I quit. I’m learning now that it’s okay to quit. It’s okay to say enough is enough. It’s okay to want more or less or something different. This is the life that you have, therefore it is your responsibility to make yourself happy. So if you need to withdraw and get a W on your transcript so be it. Your mental stability is so much bigger than a class. Or an org. Or a relationship.
I deserve to rejoice in life. I accept all the pleasure life has to offer.