as a child i was very in touch with my emotions. as i grew older, i wanted to become more detached from them, but they would still always show up. just in ways that weren’t fun- like blowing up over “nothing”. i internalized a lot of emotions because they were big and i didn’t know how to deal with them.
quarantining (which is what i just have decided to continue calling our “new normal” of leaving the house minimally and not coming in close contact with others) has given me a lot of time to slow down and feel all the feels.
and y’all, it is not fun. people talk about being single as this liberating period of time, where you really discover who you are. and while i do believe this is true, it has proven to be quite a challenge to sit with my big emotions and actually sort through them. pinpointing my needs. figuring out ways to meet them. i would say dating myself is one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life, if not the most.
i constantly find myself wondering, “God when will this subside?” Like when do i get to the point where it’s a passive discomfort, not this active pain. and my answer to myself is always something like “girl i don’t know but i sure hope it comes.”
and i guess that’s what hope is right. the faith that something better will come. and that one day, it’ll be a little less difficult. so please remember, it’s okay to feel big emotions.
I think I’m going to write a book of poetry. I’ve written so much within the last week; like 18 pages of poetry. Writing is a way to heal. And i’m committed to healing; I deleted all of my social media apps, and have just been trying to be in more positive spaces. One of my friends is going through a really similar situation, and she’s been really helpful. So I will keep writing, keeping healing and growing and I hope you do the same.
the pic is just one of my favorite poems (i love the form).
And the thing is, it’s not that I’ve never experienced this feeling
I have asthma
I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe
and to be 9000 feet above sea level and have to take my inhaler cause we’re climbing up hill fast and faster and i’m slowing down and i can’t keep up and we have to stop because i can’t keep going.
and then i can breathe.
I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe when a cop car is rolling past me as i’m oh so slightly speeding and stop to think, please don’t pull me over cause i’m alone and i don’t know what you’ll do to me.
this is different
in the worst way
this is the i can’t breathe cause i don’t know how to live without you because my life revolved around you and i wanted to marry you and have your kids and be with you forever and grow old together and love each other in this life and the next and the next and the next until the lifetimes end and our souls merge and we’re one.
i can’t breathe and i don’t know how to move on because all i keep thinking about is how sad you looked and that i can’t breathe so what if you can’t breathe either and how i can’t do this and i’m scared cause i can’t fucking breathe.
traditionally, people are taught to suppress their emotions- specifically sadness and anger. this has a lot to due with the fact that the reactions to these emotions are not always positive. while I do believe that there are better ways to handle these emotions, it is important to address and express them. the emotion I want to talk about today is anger.
What is it
Anger is a natural emotion, that occurs normally after something happens that you’re not fond of. This could be a mean statement or just something you didn’t necessarily want to hear. It’s a natural emotion, but it’s not always expressed in the best ways.
How to identify it
When things make you angry, it’s easy to feel it physically. A common sign is getting hot or tonsil pain. When you start to feel physically different it is time to step back, take a breath and breathe.
How to deal with it
the best way to deal with anger is to think logically. recently what I’ve tried is to think about how I feel and communicate it in the best way possible. to do this, i’ve started writing out and then expressing it after I’ve had a moment to think about it. I feel like my communication has become better.