lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. but luckily, i’m aware of the trigger.
i start my last semester of undergrad on Tuesday and to be frank i’m terrified. there are so many changes coming this semester, and though they’re all based on conscious decisions I made, i’m still nervous.
i’m feeling sad about going back to school for a few reasons. one, i feel like i don’t have any friends in the capacity that i want. i feel like i’m going to go back to school and no one is going to care whether i’m there or not, and that my presence at school neither positively nor negatively affects anyone. it’s like i’m going back to a space where i don’t feel like theres any love there.
and i know this is partially because i had a really hard last semester. i had to make some decisions that ended up being worthwhile in the long run, but that caused me a lot of pain. and it’s like i’m scared to go back to any sort of space that reminds me of all of this pain. and when I came home from school, I was able to further my healing.
i’m also nervous to be alone, physically. while normally at school i spend most of my time alone, i was with my sister everyday for most of the summer. and while she goes to Michigan we’re not living together nor taking the same classes. so it’ll just be different. my sister is one of the few people i know truly cares about me.
while i’m excited to get my own studio apartment, i’m still nervous about the friends aspect. i love having my own space and being alone, but sometimes i would like someone to hang out with. but i don’t feel like i have anyone that would want to hang out with me nor want to make the 15 minute drive from campus to my apt.
so while i am super nervous, i am trying to be open, and open my heart to unconditional love and allow this year to be full of great experiences. it’s just harder for me because i have to get past the “well what if i get hurt again?” feeling. all i can say is i just keep praying for a friend. and just keep reminding myself that i’m in a new space and it will be better.
Life is truly about expecting who and what you are and accepting others for what they are. Often I feel like we share who we are, in efforts to see if others will accept us. In reality, the journey of life is about getting to know yourself, growing and accepting your being. Understand that your presence is essential, or else you would not be here right now in this moment. I was told recently that you are you own biggest supporter, yet you are your biggest doubter. And the biggest battle, is within yourself. This is a life long journey- loving yourself and takes consistent effort. What I’ve decided to start with is the little things. Start by rewarding yourself by taking me time. Do things that bring you joy. I painted yesterday for the first time in a while, and I’m blogging again. You’re worth celebrating, on your good and bad days.
Remember you were created this way. Embrace it.
Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the value of my presence. While I have for the most part valued my presence, I have come to realize that understanding the importance of your presence is essential for loving yourself. You have to know that you are important, irreplaceable and worthy of love. With this in mind, I’ve been being more conscious of the amount of effort I’m putting into other relationships. I want to be in relationships where my energy is matched. Where I feel that I can be my most authentic self. So that’s what I’ve decided to do. This summer, has really been a growing experience for me, and I’ve truly started to learn how to create boundaries and limit/increase my presence in certain situations.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned in this process is that relationships go through phases. And these phases serve purposes. While I am on this journey to love myself authentically, I’ve had a lot of alone time and also a lot of time with my mother. Experiencing the feeling of unconditional love from her (as an adult, instead of a child) really has helped me. It’s also made me more conscious of the fact that I’m important.
Today at the end of my yoga class, my instructor thanked me for coming. And after I was pondering on why my presence is always acknowledged. Because the same acknowledgment happened after I went to an event to talk about yoga teacher training, but the instructor explicitly told me that she loved my energy and I realized it’s because I am a light. My presence is important and healing, therefore it is important for me to be conscious of who I am allowing into my space but more importantly WHY i’m allowing them in my space.
I’m sharing this all to say, that acknowledging your self worth is crucial to loving yourself. So take that moment to really feel the importance of your presence.
And as always, remember it is all a growing process. Be patient with yourself.