pain

slowing down to feel all the feels

as a child i was very in touch with my emotions. as i grew older, i wanted to become more detached from them, but they would still always show up. just in ways that weren’t fun- like blowing up over “nothing”. i internalized a lot of emotions because they were big and i didn’t know how to deal with them.

quarantining (which is what i just have decided to continue calling our “new normal” of leaving the house minimally and not coming in close contact with others) has given me a lot of time to slow down and feel all the feels.

and y’all, it is not fun. people talk about being single as this liberating period of time, where you really discover who you are. and while i do believe this is true, it has proven to be quite a challenge to sit with my big emotions and actually sort through them. pinpointing my needs. figuring out ways to meet them. i would say dating myself is one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life, if not the most.

i constantly find myself wondering, “God when will this subside?” Like when do i get to the point where it’s a passive discomfort, not this active pain. and my answer to myself is always something like “girl i don’t know but i sure hope it comes.”

and i guess that’s what hope is right. the faith that something better will come. and that one day, it’ll be a little less difficult. so please remember, it’s okay to feel big emotions.

discomfort

its another night that i’m up around 3, with a lot of discomfort. my stomach hurts- i’ve been in pain for weeks. when i went to the doctor i was told to increase my fiber and take daily laxactives. i did the first part- there’s just no way i can take a laxactive everyday. i’ve been drinking soluble fiber- in the form of capsules and juice. it’s getting things rolling, but i’ve been drinking the juice and still had pain. the first day i drank it i was in so much pain we had to leave target cause i literally could not do the whole walking around thing.

it’s times like these, were i want to sleep but can’t, that i wonder what this discomfort is to teach me. it’s gone on so long it must be full of lessons.

you are what you eat- i’ve noticed the cleanier i eat (staying away from sugary snacks and dairy) the less pain i’m in. i’ve cut out dairy completely, after one day i was in so much pain i was lying on my mother crying. i’ve stopped eating late (after 7) for a pretty similar reason.

be patient- i’ve been waiting and waiting for my test results. but i guess i just have to be patient. it’s often makes me upset why i don’t have them yet, but i guess it’s not time yet.

trust your gut- literally. i’ve had to rely on feeling. while digestion has become more painful, i’ve had to rely on the facts. my doctor told me to increase my fiber. the first day i did i was in so much pain- i literally was almost crying in target.

i’m still not sure what’s wrong with my stomach, or why i’m up right now, but i’ve been asking. i want to learn from this, so i can grow. so hopefully i can fall back asleep soon and continue getting some rest- last night was the best sleep i’ve had in a minute so hopefully tonight is the same.

nerves

lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. but luckily, i’m aware of the trigger.

i start my last semester of undergrad on Tuesday and to be frank i’m terrified. there are so many changes coming this semester, and though they’re all based on conscious decisions I made, i’m still nervous.

i’m feeling sad about going back to school for a few reasons. one, i feel like i don’t have any friends in the capacity that i want. i feel like i’m going to go back to school and no one is going to care whether i’m there or not, and that my presence at school neither positively nor negatively affects anyone. it’s like i’m going back to a space where i don’t feel like theres any love there.

and i know this is partially because i had a really hard last semester. i had to make some decisions that ended up being worthwhile in the long run, but that caused me a lot of pain. and it’s like i’m scared to go back to any sort of space that reminds me of all of this pain. and when I came home from school, I was able to further my healing.

i’m also nervous to be alone, physically. while normally at school i spend most of my time alone, i was with my sister everyday for most of the summer. and while she goes to Michigan we’re not living together nor taking the same classes. so it’ll just be different. my sister is one of the few people i know truly cares about me.

while i’m excited to get my own studio apartment, i’m still nervous about the friends aspect. i love having my own space and being alone, but sometimes i would like someone to hang out with. but i don’t feel like i have anyone that would want to hang out with me nor want to make the 15 minute drive from campus to my apt.

so while i am super nervous, i am trying to be open, and open my heart to unconditional love and allow this year to be full of great experiences. it’s just harder for me because i have to get past the “well what if i get hurt again?” feeling. all i can say is i just keep praying for a friend. and just keep reminding myself that i’m in a new space and it will be better.

día 17

it’s officially 7 days until my birthday!!!!!! i’m super excited. for today, i wanted to do a reflection on reusing old things. I got this pair of really cute clear glasses but the bridge is too big (i didn’t know that when i got them) and they dig into my nose, causing a slight bruise on my bridge. I went to get nose pads added on to my glasses and it did not help. So i was faced with the challenge: keep wearing them or wear another pair. i’ve had about the same prescription since the sixth grade, so i have lots of pairs of glasses to choose from. i originally wanted new glasses. and after some consideration (and not being willing to pay for new ones), i decided to reuse and old pair. the last pair of glasses i had fit really nice and i loved them. so i decided i would start wearing my burberry glasses again. apparently with some plastic frames they can get this white film (which is simple to remove) from perspiration and other chemicals, so i’m going to remove that and get them readjusted. I think the decision to just keep those glasses is important- fixing what works is a good thing.

The title of this blog just sounds depressing but that’s not the point of this. This is a post to let everyone know that they are not alone. The pain of a breakup can really hurt, and I’m currently going through that. Today marks the longest I haven’t talked to my ex since I met him. Its a milestone for me because I’m stepping into new territory. Part of me is resistant to keep moving forward because it’s going to be different. As I’ve always said change is inevitable but that doesn’t mean it’s easy (yet it’s as easy as you want it to be). I’ve decided that the transition for me will be quick and painless, so I’m just trying to stay positive and know that as I create the list of my ideal relationship and the ideal man for me (yes I said man). When I went to church on Easter, for the first time since last September (it was right after me and my ex seperated for the first time), I felt at home. It was a wonderful sermon and I really enjoyed myself. I’m definitely going to start going more. But at church the Reverend was basically talking about how with God we can get through rough times and that life gets easier when you surrender to God and go at God’s speed, while you are letting go of the past and moving forward. The message really spoke to me and I know that it’s time to move on. It’s going to be just fine and you’ll be just fine too. I know that it might seem hard and you might cry, but let yourself cry. Let crying wash away the pain. I truly am blessed to have the friends that I have because they truly care about me. Just ask for discernment and be within the essence of truth, it will lead you to find your true friends too. Someone cares about you. Someone loves you. You are surrounded by love and light. It’s all going to be just fine.