myself – mayah's site

today, i bought shea butter for the first time. i’ve been using shea butter, almost daily, for years now, yet i’ve never bought it for myself.

when i first was introduced, my sister’s boyfriend had bought me some. that lasted me for a very long time. then my sister bought me some. and most recently, my ex-girlfriend bought me some (which i still have a lot left, i just left it in atlanta).

so since i left my shea butter in atlanta, i’ve been without it for a few weeks. and today, i went to the store and got some.

that’s a huge deal for me for a couple of reasons-

i haven’t really left the house- today i truly wanted to leave the house and felt more comfrotbale outside of my home than i have in a long time.
it was a step towards independence- i’ve been relying on other people, whether on purpose or not (i’ve told myself it was because it was hard to find but truly i can’t say that’s 100% true), to do something that i could have done. and now that i have done it, on my own, i know that i can do it again.

as i prepare to enter this next phase in my life, where i am going through things on an individual journey, it’s moments like these where i am reminded that i can do this. there are many things that, due to habit, i’ve chosen to not do alone. but i’m learning that those are truly just excuses. so i am choosing to embrace this new journey, while acknowledging that this was not my choice.

also, the shea butter was really good. i got the eczema butter from pure shea . check them out!

When I tell you, I’m so excited to be making this post, I think excited is an understatement. Last school year, I really struggled with anxiety. I was super anxious, and really my mental health was not the best. At the beginning of 2018, I was not doing that great. I remember debating about going to therapy with one of my friends and I got to the point where I was like that’s really not for em. But after addressing how much I was crying (I would say like three+ times a week) and how I felt overall, I decided I needed to do something. So since therapy just wasn’t for me, I turned to yoga and meditation. I was determined to get closer to myself and to God.

I’ll say this, I’ve been doing yoga and meditating on a regular basis for years now. But what I did was incorporate it into my daily activities. Before I feel it was more of an “i’m already stress i need to release it”, to more of a preventive measure. Like I go to yoga and meditate to continue being in my space and as a process of releasing.

It was life changing, therefore it was uncomfortable. I have changed the way I viewed relationships, love and life in general. I think all of these changes have been positive. I realized how far I’ve come this summer, when I was working at a summer camp. I was discussing with one of my coworkers about anxiety and I thought- “I haven’t had an anxiety attack in months.” I was nervous to go back to school because my mental health and emotional well being were doing so much better, but I realized that I would just have to implement what I learned into my life at college.

This journey has been full of lessons, but the most important one I’ve learned is I have to put myself first. My second favorite lesson was that I need to be where my feet are. Within the last two days, I’ve had a couple of small anxiety attacks (which were not nearly as bad as they used to be). I decided I needed to go to bed earlier, do some yoga and eat a yummy dinner. I almost instantly felt better. I was so proud of myself and I truly feel I’m learning how to take care of myself.

It’s important to take care of yourself, constantly. Doing so will change your life. Trust me, I’ve done it.