so after my last blog post, something just clicked. the light bulb turned on, and now i feel ready to deal with my past.
i reached the lowest point i ever had last semester and since then i’ve been climbing. and now i’m at a high i’ve never been to. i’ve never had this opportunity before. i am now at a place where i can build relationships and truly love myself and others. you see after i was so broken, i was scared to grow close to anyone. the person i trusted, broke my trust. but you see it wasn’t all their fault. that was just the tip of the iceberg. it brought out all the insecurities i had- about not feeling good enough, a feeling i was too familiar with.
but this was just the beginning. i have grown so much this past year. i know that before i turned 21 i prayed to grow, but Lord knows I didn’t think i would this much.
you see i was isolated last semester because i had to learn to stand on my own two feet. to make decisions for myself without consulting someone else and to be proud of what i had created, no matter what. but after being that broken i was scared- to trust and to love. i’ve been learning daily that i am allowed to love myself and others, which was something i was terrified of. during my isolation, i learned how to take care of myself. i had it down to a T- i knew what i needed to calm myself down from a panic attack. but i didn’t know how to allow others to support me.
so that’s what I hope this semester is full of. i hope that i learn to remember that i have people that want to support me, but that i have to speak up. and that it’s okay to ask for help or to double text. that i have a support system that is bigger and stronger than i’ve ever had before.
i can do this. and now, i think i’m ready. i’m going to keep up with my self care routine and get into therapy. but i am going to do this knowing i am loved and deserve to be. that i am good enough, that i always have been and that i always will be.
Today marks the beginning of mental health awareness month. this is an issue i’m really passionate about, for it revolves deeply around how we can nurture and love ourselves through our issues. today, i want to talk about one thing i’ve been doing to take care of myself.
my mom told me that i often say i want one thing and do the complete opposite. but i realized it’s not that what i’m doing isn’t what i want to do- it’s that i haven’t been honest verbally about what i want. it’s that i’ve been so scared that if it wouldn’t work out i didn’t even want to mention what i wanted.
but that got me no where. you have to say what you want. and you have to do what you want. at the end of the day, you’re living life to be happy. do the things that make you happy.
try to be brave and take care of yourself. your thoughts and feelings are always valid.
Making good decisions is something that I strive for in my daily life. To continue making them, it is my goal to stick to schedule; which incorporates me time along with time with friends. Making sure that I’m good emotionally, helps me make decisions. In anxiety I discussed how I have used yoga and daily meditation as ways to cope (and conquer) my anxiety. I also make sure that I’m sleeping well and eating healthy. Doing these things help me feel like the best version of myself. I also am working on maintaining a strong school schedule.
One thing that I’ve been working on is the art of quitting. I was raised that though life can be challenging, I am capable of overcoming these obstacles. This led me to have an I can do anything attitude. While I think that it helped me a lot, it means I have struggled with quitting. Last year, I was secretary of an organization that I was passionate about, but the work load was too much for me. So I quit. It was the first time I said officially I quit and meant it. For most other things, like playing the piano, I had just stopped. But this I quit.
Today, for the first time ever, I dropped a class. The class honestly was a lot of work, and did not really affect my schedule (by not really, I will still graduate in three and a half years). But by dropping the class, I am saving myself from a lot of headache. But the problem is, there will be a W on my transcript, so it will be known that I quit. I’m learning now that it’s okay to quit. It’s okay to say enough is enough. It’s okay to want more or less or something different. This is the life that you have, therefore it is your responsibility to make yourself happy. So if you need to withdraw and get a W on your transcript so be it. Your mental stability is so much bigger than a class. Or an org. Or a relationship.
I deserve to rejoice in life. I accept all the pleasure life has to offer.
When I tell you, I’m so excited to be making this post, I think excited is an understatement. Last school year, I really struggled with anxiety. I was super anxious, and really my mental health was not the best. At the beginning of 2018, I was not doing that great. I remember debating about going to therapy with one of my friends and I got to the point where I was like that’s really not for em. But after addressing how much I was crying (I would say like three+ times a week) and how I felt overall, I decided I needed to do something. So since therapy just wasn’t for me, I turned to yoga and meditation. I was determined to get closer to myself and to God.
I’ll say this, I’ve been doing yoga and meditating on a regular basis for years now. But what I did was incorporate it into my daily activities. Before I feel it was more of an “i’m already stress i need to release it”, to more of a preventive measure. Like I go to yoga and meditate to continue being in my space and as a process of releasing.
It was life changing, therefore it was uncomfortable. I have changed the way I viewed relationships, love and life in general. I think all of these changes have been positive. I realized how far I’ve come this summer, when I was working at a summer camp. I was discussing with one of my coworkers about anxiety and I thought- “I haven’t had an anxiety attack in months.” I was nervous to go back to school because my mental health and emotional well being were doing so much better, but I realized that I would just have to implement what I learned into my life at college.
This journey has been full of lessons, but the most important one I’ve learned is I have to put myself first. My second favorite lesson was that I need to be where my feet are. Within the last two days, I’ve had a couple of small anxiety attacks (which were not nearly as bad as they used to be). I decided I needed to go to bed earlier, do some yoga and eat a yummy dinner. I almost instantly felt better. I was so proud of myself and I truly feel I’m learning how to take care of myself.
It’s important to take care of yourself, constantly. Doing so will change your life. Trust me, I’ve done it.