loving – mayah's site

what is love? it’s an action and a tool for healing and social justice

if you would have asked me five years ago, i would have probably told you love is a feeling. you know love is there because you can feel it.

if you asked me today, i would have a much longer, complex response. hence, this post.

i want to start off with how i feel about love. i love love. i am learning how to love myself, how to love others and (most importantly) how to allow myself to receive love. to be honest, i had to make a choice- either to let the hardships i’ve encountered make me more or less open to love. with daily effort and intention, i am opening myself to receiving unconditional love from others. it’s a process.

okay so what is love?

bell hooks, in her novel All About Love, which you can find a free pdf of here (under resources), gives a defintion of love that when i read it, it literally changed my world.

so at this point, i was like alright, bet. love is an action. i have to do actionable things to love myself and others.

i started paying more attention to actions. (i eventually am now at the point, where i pay attention to how people’s actions make me feel and value that feeling as an indicator of what i should do next (most times LOL, it’s a process)).

i’m studying right now to be a yoga teacher, and as part of the training (as many courses do) we have spent a lot of time on yogic philosophy, much of which is rooted in eastern cultures (including religion). so we reviewed the 4 Aspects of True Love, which is given to us from Buddhism. (these are my summaries from my notes below)

maitri kindness: through being present and paying attention, learning how to love someone and doing it
karuna compassion: understanding the suffering of others and actively finding ways to alleviate their burdens (and actually alleviating them)
mudita joy: love is only love if it includes joy and brings happiness. with joy, love grows stronger.
upeksha freedom: includes external freedom, to have time/space, and internal freedom, space to be yoruself. practices must be implemented to create the sensation of freedom.

first, you must learn to love yourself like this. then others.

true love (which mind you, including familial and platonic relationships, as well as partnerships) requires action. it requires doing it right.

reading this, changed everything again. it was like i finally had a blueprint. i could combine the idea that love is an action and figure out in which ways i could be actionable.

this also made me think a lot about love languages. if you’re not familiar, gary chapman came up with this quiz, to see which of the five love languages you prefer: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, or acts of service. i read recently online, that the best thing to do with these love languages, is to figure out WHEN and HOW to meet all of them. i may have scored highest for gifts (which i LOVE, to me they’re a representation of thought and action), but there are times when i need actions that fall under acts of service. learning how to support others in the way that they want to be supported, falls under karuna.

if i had to give you a short answer, love is a commitment to supportings oneself (first and foremost) and others. it takes time to learn how to love yourself. how i loved myself before quarantine looked a LOT different than during quarantine. i’m sure that as i grow older, it will change. my commitment to myself will stay the safe. checkins with myself will help me learn how to love myself the most.

as far as loving others, that changes as well. depending on where they are in life. i feel that checkins and honest discussions with your loved ones (may they be a family member, partner, friend, etc) about ways that you can be supportive are helping.

so what does this have to do with social justice? hate, which is the opposite of love, is hurtful. therefore the person that has received hate, has to heal. through loving yourself, you can find healing for you.

“love heals no matter what has happened in our past, when we open our hearts to love again, live as if born again, not forgetting the past but seeing in a new way, we go forward with the fresh insight- that the past can no longer hurt us. mindful remembering let’s us put the broken bits and pieces of our hearts together again that is the way healing begins.”- bell hooks

bell hooks, in her novel, talks a lot about creating a beloved community, where everyone is being loved by one another and giving love. this space is successful. this place, in my opinion, is the goal of social justice work. to create a space where everyones needs are met (also known as equity).

i’ll let you with one last quote, from bell hooks-

the moment we choose to love we begin to move against oppression, domination. the moment we choose to love, we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others.
bell hooks, in love as the practice of freedom.

love as the practice of freedom

why you need to stop posting that you’re looking for love

Obsessing over having a serious (possibly monogamous) relationship is not healthy. I see it all too often on social media, from both men and women. It’s a problem. And I’ll explain to you why. Being in a serious, healthy, loving relationship is a lot of work. Relationships take time, respect and love. Obsessing over why you might not have one is only hurting yourself. If you’re single, take this time to focus on you. Think about what you want for yourself, for your life and for your love life. Stop obsessing over others lives- social media doesn’t even show have the relationship. Find yourself. Love yourself. You are you, whether you’re in a relationship or not. Being involved in someone’s life is such a beautiful and precious thing. It needs to be treated as much. Social media has created these ideologies that if you’re single there is something wrong with you, or that you need to aspire to date someone who completes you. Yes the instagram couples might be cute. But there is so much more to them then you know. You should only be in competition with yourself, to be the best person you can be everyday. That does not mean you should compete with others (which is what you’re doing subconsciously). Take time to attract what you want in a relationship and grow as a person. You need to love yourself before love can find you. And be open to letting love find you. Go places. Meet people. Live your life. And then see what happens. You deserve happiness and love, and sitting on social media crying about it is only hurting you. Love is simple. People are sometimes complicated. There is so much more to love than people discuss on social media. Love is supporting someone when they don’t believe themselves. It’s being their biggest cheerleader. It’s completely accepting the people for who they are and loving them unconditionally because you’re in love with their spirit. It’s giving someone the space to grow and growing with them. Relationships take a lot of work. And when they’re with the right person it’s more than worth it. Let the right person enter your life. Take a risk and you might just surprise yourself. But the first step to finding love, is getting off your phone and starting to live your life.

Tired

Everyone hits their wall. I mean this in a rhetorical emotional sense (unless you really hit a wall). This emotional wall is your safety zone. As you know it’s important to go out of your comfort zone because that’s how you learn. It’s important to make sure you’re in a safe space so your learning is good. It’s also really important to communicate. I’ve learned a lot this month, because for the last 20 days (it’ll be 20 tomorrow) I’ve been staying at Michigan State University, for a COE program (I want to be a teacher lol). The experience has been great as a whole, but I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I handle everything. I’ll admit I struggled with it. It’s harder to adjust to being with a group of people for so long. The first two weeks went smooth, but as time goes on there’s been various issues with communication that have affected our group. I think that this just reflects on how important communication is, especially in a group effort. Also I’ve learned that it’s important to stand up for your beliefs, no matter how it looks. Another thing I learned was it’s okay to not get stuff right the first time, because that’s what the second time is for, and they always say the third times the charm. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to be tired and get to that wall emotionally. When I hit the wall, and was just like I don’t know what to do, I realized that I’ve been surrounded by an extremely supportive group of people, who really care about me (and I care about them as well). It’s great to have a support system, especially when you’re away from home. I called this post tired because I was planning to talk about how change is okay and that sometimes you just get tired (it’s part of hitting the wall). Understand that sometimes things get hard and it’s okay sometimes to not be okay. That was the hardest thing for me to get. I just always thought everything has to be great, but sometimes it gets bad before it gets better. It takes effort and time and being uncomfortable in order for you to grow. Remember how it felt to grow as a child. It was awkward and you made a lot of mistakes (when my feet grew I stepped on my mom’s feet all the time). It’s going to be fine. I wish you all the best. Get some rest.