love – mayah's site

taking breaks to reset

hi y’all. i haven’t blogged in forever. overall i would say i’m doing alright. my grad school program is on a gap smester so i’ve been job hunting like crazy to try to find something. i told my mom i feel like i’m thoriwng paint at a wall and waiting to see what sticks. and that eventually something will stick soon.

i have been journaling a LOT. i have one i started last july and it’s well over seventy pages now. i just write when i feel like it. it’s really become my way to think and process things. this is something i definetely still do with other people about actionable items (lol) but not for emotions. i’ve really been “slowing down to feel all the feels”.

i still go for walks and can’t wait for it to get warm again. i’m prayerful that i’ll be able to get the vaccine soon. i’m in group 1C cause of my asthma but this process has been so slow.

i also wanted to show a little something i’ve been working on- a virtual yoga studio!

you can check out my IG for updates. basically i’m currently going to offer three classes a week (two yin and the one breathwork and meditation). i’ll also be available for privates.

if you’re interested in booking, head over to this link which is my ribbon page. i will offer on demand classes as well, in my library on ribbon too. my ring light should be here tomorrow so then i’ll get to recording content!

thanks so much for your support in advance. namaste!

slowing down to feel all the feels

as a child i was very in touch with my emotions. as i grew older, i wanted to become more detached from them, but they would still always show up. just in ways that weren’t fun- like blowing up over “nothing”. i internalized a lot of emotions because they were big and i didn’t know how to deal with them.

quarantining (which is what i just have decided to continue calling our “new normal” of leaving the house minimally and not coming in close contact with others) has given me a lot of time to slow down and feel all the feels.

and y’all, it is not fun. people talk about being single as this liberating period of time, where you really discover who you are. and while i do believe this is true, it has proven to be quite a challenge to sit with my big emotions and actually sort through them. pinpointing my needs. figuring out ways to meet them. i would say dating myself is one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life, if not the most.

i constantly find myself wondering, “God when will this subside?” Like when do i get to the point where it’s a passive discomfort, not this active pain. and my answer to myself is always something like “girl i don’t know but i sure hope it comes.”

and i guess that’s what hope is right. the faith that something better will come. and that one day, it’ll be a little less difficult. so please remember, it’s okay to feel big emotions.

practicing non-attachment (in action)

whew y’all. i’m upset.

on february 1st, i ventured out to by this snak epalnt. it was to help my asthma. i tended to it a lot while being alone in quarantine. but when i got home and got my dog hope, i took breese (my plant) to my grandparents. i didn’t want hope to eat her and i didn’t want her to be eaten.

snake plants are pretty much known for not being killable. they are resilient. they bounce back. two weeks ago she was thriving. and now her old leaves are vanishing, while new ones are coming.

my initial thought was my plant is dying. i killed my plant. but in reality, i may or may not have.

i guesss what was the most upsettting was the intial feeling of not doing enough. but i did. could i have done more/maybe? but for where i was, i did exactly enough. she was watered. she was feed with soil.

i’ve been really trying to practice nonattachement. but i’ve struggled with pouring into something and not getting the result i wanted?

i guess the following questions i have are:

wsas it not worth it if she doesn’t survive? was her survival all that made it worth it? am i not able to carry on if she dies? (like i know i can get another plant). what would make me want to say it’s not woth it if i didn’t get the resutl i wanted.

like she pruified the air. she kept me safe and clean. and i am so grateful.

it’s just the idea of having to let go of something else honestly. to know i put time and effort into one other thing that might not survive.

but it really still leaves the question, is the survival of the plant all that makes it worth it? is it not the lessons? is it not the learning of myself?

so, i’m going to start over. i will pull the dead leaves, let her get a ton of sunlight (which snake plants don’t need much of but i want to give her some extra love. and love her lots for the next few weeks. whether she lives or not, i know i learned a lot from being her plant mama.

building self trust

within these past couple months i’ve been working on building a stronger relationship with myself. as with all relationships, this has taken a lot of time, consistency and effort.

yesterday i finished day 40 of 40 of walking at least three miles and day 11 of 11 of meditating twice daily (30 min each). Cultivating specific time for myself was a conscious decision. I chose myself of over things. I gave myself the time that I needed to just be. I gave myself permission to feel my feelings. to explore, let grief and whatever other emotions wash over me.

i have anxiety, so often it was really difficult for me to trust my emotions. i would be upset about “small” things. i would panic over situations where i later felt i shouldn’t have. one thing i really learned was that while feelings aren’t facts, they do have a purpose. i’ve been using the questions “What can I learn about myself from this feeling? What is it telling me I care about? What is it telling me I need? What can I do today to make space for all of my emotions?” while my feelings aren’t facts, they are messages. so feeling them and searching for deeper meaning has brought me closer to myself.

making promises to myself and keeping them has been something i’ve always struggled with. i would do things like say i’m going to bed early and not. or say i’m not going to work late, and still work late. i’ve been working on setting firmer, yet flexible boundaries with myself. last night, i said i was going to bed at 10, and i was in the bed by 10:05. i think things like that will not only help me feel better (more sleep lol) but let me know that i can make promises and come through, for myself, like i do for others.

just like how i’ve worked to train my dog to do things, i’ve had to work with myself to create habits that are long lasting.

i saw something recently that basically said how you spend your days is in fact how you spend your life. i want to spend my life doing things that i love. and that starts with intentional actions.

so cheers to myself. i’m currently trying to figure out what i’ll be doing next LOL!

solitude

i listened to a podcast today and it was talking about embracing solittitude and how the biggest thing is that prior to quarantine, there was so much time and space that would be filled.

and for the first time, i’ve really been learning to try to fill it with myself. when the pandemic first hit, i was forced to.

i would spend hours upon hours keeping myself busy. anything really, to avoid the stillness. as time went, on, i would start having more and more periods of stillness- intentionally taking time to do what i love.

one of the things that i do try to do (espeically after throwing myself a pity party) is to think about what i’m grateful for.

the immense loss that i enduried, opened me up to embracing solitude. for the first time, the only space i feel i have where i can be truly emotionally vulnerable, is with myself. i feel my feelings and i console myself. most of these feelings aren’t shared and for the first time, i don’t want them to be.

this space of emotional vulnerability is blissful. i almost feel like this-

so after the storm, all the houses blew down. there was nothing left. the house we built was destroyed. and she was no where to be found. i cried and cried, because why had this happened? where did our home go? where was she? how was i going to clean this up?

after a few weeks of immense sorrow, i started sifting through the remains of the house. it was hard. i remembered memories that i had forgotten, sifted through more sadness than i had ever imagined was possible.

eventually, i had to come to peace with the fact that the house was gone. that it wasn’t going to magically come back, and that there was nothing i could have done to make the house stay. that all i had done was try to build the house correctly. but i had very little experience building a house. i only tried with my own house. and that was still being built too.

so i left the site of the old house. i picked up some of my favorite things, backed them in a canvas tote, and went oward. i went to my house.

this light blue home with the wrap around porch was far from finished.

i started with the foundation. day by day, minute by minute. i went to stores i had never even known existed (thanks google) to purchase new materials. it was hard luggin ghtem back tot he house. but very well worth it.

i’ve been slowly building and building for weeks now. and though my house is not finished yet, i feel like my foundation is solid.

i know that eventually i will have a house. with furniture and a garden and everything that i need. until then, i will keep whistling while i work.