just a lil sunshine

while the big storm rolled past, destroying all of what was left, a month ago, the gap in my chest was overwhelming. i was scared. tired. anxious and honestly confused.

after the storm hit, things settled. it still consistenly rained. there was little sun, mostly partly cloudy.

thrice, since the big storm has hit, i’ve felt the sun. the first time, i wrote in a note to myself “yesterday was the first day i have felt happiness since…” i felt geniunely good. and had geniunely laughed. it was amazing.

the second time i felt the sun, i was leading a private yoga class. it was warm and i was excited. i was determined to let the sunshine.

today, was the third time. i’ve been getting up and walking about three miles and doing meditation and yoga for the past five days. and today, after eating breakfast and showering, i felt the sunshine.

the sunshine reminds me that emotions are fleting and to continue embracing the rain. because one cannot exist without the other, not in a balanced state at least.

i’ve been learning to sit with my grief. while walking, i’ve started listening to alex elle’s “hey girl” podcast. one that really shifted my perspective was her talk with jamila reddy, about greeting grief at the door.

after the storm, i spent a couple weeks just wishing the storm would’ve never happened. living in this interesting state of midn where i was in denial that the storm had happened, because the damage was so bad. it felt like i was living in a nightmare, just waiting and waiting to wake up.

after the third week, i had a moment where i was like “mayah, this is reality.” and being like i need to do what’s best for me to heal and clean up this mess.

now, four weeks later, i’ve felt the sunshine and i know that with due time, i will keep feeling the sunshine.

life after loss is complicated. and the best thing i can truly be patient with myself, knowing that i am trying. i’m learning that it’s okay to not be okay. to go with the ebbs and flows of emotions while knowing that they just are ebbs and flows and that the pain will pass.

so to wherever you are in your clean up, just please know that there will be sunshine. eventually.



I think I’m going to write a book of poetry. I’ve written so much within the last week; like 18 pages of poetry. Writing is a way to heal. And i’m committed to healing; I deleted all of my social media apps, and have just been trying to be in more positive spaces. One of my friends is going through a really similar situation, and she’s been really helpful. So I will keep writing, keeping healing and growing and I hope you do the same.

the pic is just one of my favorite poems (i love the form).

my heart is broken

and now all i can do is write.


I literally feel like i cannot breathe


And the thing is, it’s not that I’ve never experienced this feeling

I have asthma

I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe

and to be 9000 feet above sea level and have to take my inhaler cause we’re climbing up hill fast and faster and i’m slowing down and i can’t keep up and we have to stop because i can’t keep going.

and then i can breathe.


I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe when a cop car is rolling past me as i’m oh so slightly speeding and stop to think, please don’t pull me over cause i’m alone and i don’t know what you’ll do to me.


but this

this is different

in the worst way


this is the i can’t breathe cause i don’t know how to live without you because my life revolved around you and i wanted to marry you and have your kids and be with you forever and grow old together and love each other in this life and the next and the next and the next until the lifetimes end and our souls merge and we’re one.


i can’t breathe and i don’t know how to move on because all i keep thinking about is how sad you looked and that i can’t breathe so what if you can’t breathe either and how i can’t do this and i’m scared cause i can’t fucking breathe.


Lord please help me. I can’t breathe.