healing – mayah's site

language to express needs

for a long time, i felt very unsatisfied with my friendships. it was like i had these wants/needs within relationships that never felt like they were getting met.

like it would either be like a semi-surface level friendship or we were like tied at the hip.

my tied at the hip friendship stage pretty much sums up my undergraduate experience. the relationships reaked of codependency. i think it’s because they were formed during such a transition period where we had all just left our parents home and were scared. anyways, there was drama and dramatic endings that turned into things just fading away. i’ve grieved those relationships and occasionally a wave of grief hits me. and when it does i cope with it as best as i can.

when i ended two of those friendships, i told them both that i just didn’t feel like i was getting what i wanted out of the friendships. and one of them asked me what did i want and my response was that i didn’t know but i knew that this wasn’t it. it was a harsh truth. and in my mind, since i knew that wasn’t what i was looking for, i would make space for the friends that i wanted by ending those relationships. my logic was well how could i have space for the relationships i really want if i’m investing time and effort into these spaces.

and i knew what i wanted because i had seen it with other people. i had seen other friendships where the bond just was deeper. yesterday, i was listening to the Black girls heal podcast about intimacy. and one of the things she said it that sometimes we can fake intimacy. and i think that is what was going on. on the surface, the relationships were close. we hung out all the time, had deep conversations, knew each others likes and dislikes, but there was something missing for me.

when i moved to atlanta i was determined to make friends. i just knew that i would right? lol i’m Black and gay and moved to the Black and gay capital of the US. it was just bound to happen. and then the world shut down and even when it opened up i didn’t leave the house. shoot i still don’t have in person contact with people.

but this is not the point of this, the point of this is that i finally figured out what was missing.

she talked about interdependence. that sense of if you need someone you can call on them. and that in those relationships you don’t feel “bad” for calling. or like you’re a burden. there is a sense of security that comes with the intimacy. almost like you know that they want to talk to you.

and i think for so long i equated that with duration of hanging out, vulnerability, and deep conversations and i think it is all of those things, but i think there is just one more missing piece.

i titled this post language to express needs because for so long i’ve been trying to figure out what was missing. why i could be around a bunch of people and still feel lonely. and it’s because it wasn’t intimate. and maybe on levels intimacy was budding, but it wasn’t in bloom.

i’m happy to know.

taking breaks to reset

hi y’all. i haven’t blogged in forever. overall i would say i’m doing alright. my grad school program is on a gap smester so i’ve been job hunting like crazy to try to find something. i told my mom i feel like i’m thoriwng paint at a wall and waiting to see what sticks. and that eventually something will stick soon.

i have been journaling a LOT. i have one i started last july and it’s well over seventy pages now. i just write when i feel like it. it’s really become my way to think and process things. this is something i definetely still do with other people about actionable items (lol) but not for emotions. i’ve really been “slowing down to feel all the feels”.

i still go for walks and can’t wait for it to get warm again. i’m prayerful that i’ll be able to get the vaccine soon. i’m in group 1C cause of my asthma but this process has been so slow.

i also wanted to show a little something i’ve been working on- a virtual yoga studio!

you can check out my IG for updates. basically i’m currently going to offer three classes a week (two yin and the one breathwork and meditation). i’ll also be available for privates.

if you’re interested in booking, head over to this link which is my ribbon page. i will offer on demand classes as well, in my library on ribbon too. my ring light should be here tomorrow so then i’ll get to recording content!

thanks so much for your support in advance. namaste!

slowing down to feel all the feels

as a child i was very in touch with my emotions. as i grew older, i wanted to become more detached from them, but they would still always show up. just in ways that weren’t fun- like blowing up over “nothing”. i internalized a lot of emotions because they were big and i didn’t know how to deal with them.

quarantining (which is what i just have decided to continue calling our “new normal” of leaving the house minimally and not coming in close contact with others) has given me a lot of time to slow down and feel all the feels.

and y’all, it is not fun. people talk about being single as this liberating period of time, where you really discover who you are. and while i do believe this is true, it has proven to be quite a challenge to sit with my big emotions and actually sort through them. pinpointing my needs. figuring out ways to meet them. i would say dating myself is one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life, if not the most.

i constantly find myself wondering, “God when will this subside?” Like when do i get to the point where it’s a passive discomfort, not this active pain. and my answer to myself is always something like “girl i don’t know but i sure hope it comes.”

and i guess that’s what hope is right. the faith that something better will come. and that one day, it’ll be a little less difficult. so please remember, it’s okay to feel big emotions.

cultivating happiness on purpose

i write this as a brief note, while my students are at specials. i have more yoga i want to do (this time hatha (asana) whereas this morning it was about 45 minutes of kundalini (asana with more pranayams and meditations).

in my last relationship, there was a lot of happiness. it was very much this space of finding what made me happy and figuring out how to implement it. and while i’m still grieving the fact that we are in a different phase, i am grateful for all i have learned.

one of my biggest things recently, within the last few months has been trying to figure out how i can cultivate my own happiness. how i can incorporate it some of the practices i had in my previous relationship into my daily life.

it’s been about figuring out what makes me happy and doing it on a daily basis. i read once that your daily decisions make up your life, and that stuck with me.

while practicing non-attachment, i’ve been trying to embrace doing things just because i want to. we are such a “results oriented” society. so it’s like if i don’t get x result, i often feel like it was worthless.

i wrote about this a little bit when i talked about breese, my snake plant that died, that i didn’t feel like it was worthless. and i feel the same abut my last relationship too. events don’t make things decrease in value.

your growth is valuable. so keep choosing it.

practicing non-attachment (in action)

whew y’all. i’m upset.

on february 1st, i ventured out to by this snak epalnt. it was to help my asthma. i tended to it a lot while being alone in quarantine. but when i got home and got my dog hope, i took breese (my plant) to my grandparents. i didn’t want hope to eat her and i didn’t want her to be eaten.

snake plants are pretty much known for not being killable. they are resilient. they bounce back. two weeks ago she was thriving. and now her old leaves are vanishing, while new ones are coming.

my initial thought was my plant is dying. i killed my plant. but in reality, i may or may not have.

i guesss what was the most upsettting was the intial feeling of not doing enough. but i did. could i have done more/maybe? but for where i was, i did exactly enough. she was watered. she was feed with soil.

i’ve been really trying to practice nonattachement. but i’ve struggled with pouring into something and not getting the result i wanted?

i guess the following questions i have are:

wsas it not worth it if she doesn’t survive? was her survival all that made it worth it? am i not able to carry on if she dies? (like i know i can get another plant). what would make me want to say it’s not woth it if i didn’t get the resutl i wanted.

like she pruified the air. she kept me safe and clean. and i am so grateful.

it’s just the idea of having to let go of something else honestly. to know i put time and effort into one other thing that might not survive.

but it really still leaves the question, is the survival of the plant all that makes it worth it? is it not the lessons? is it not the learning of myself?

so, i’m going to start over. i will pull the dead leaves, let her get a ton of sunlight (which snake plants don’t need much of but i want to give her some extra love. and love her lots for the next few weeks. whether she lives or not, i know i learned a lot from being her plant mama.