happiness – mayah's site

cultivating happiness on purpose

i write this as a brief note, while my students are at specials. i have more yoga i want to do (this time hatha (asana) whereas this morning it was about 45 minutes of kundalini (asana with more pranayams and meditations).

in my last relationship, there was a lot of happiness. it was very much this space of finding what made me happy and figuring out how to implement it. and while i’m still grieving the fact that we are in a different phase, i am grateful for all i have learned.

one of my biggest things recently, within the last few months has been trying to figure out how i can cultivate my own happiness. how i can incorporate it some of the practices i had in my previous relationship into my daily life.

it’s been about figuring out what makes me happy and doing it on a daily basis. i read once that your daily decisions make up your life, and that stuck with me.

while practicing non-attachment, i’ve been trying to embrace doing things just because i want to. we are such a “results oriented” society. so it’s like if i don’t get x result, i often feel like it was worthless.

i wrote about this a little bit when i talked about breese, my snake plant that died, that i didn’t feel like it was worthless. and i feel the same abut my last relationship too. events don’t make things decrease in value.

your growth is valuable. so keep choosing it.

just a lil sunshine

while the big storm rolled past, destroying all of what was left, a month ago, the gap in my chest was overwhelming. i was scared. tired. anxious and honestly confused.

after the storm hit, things settled. it still consistenly rained. there was little sun, mostly partly cloudy.

thrice, since the big storm has hit, i’ve felt the sun. the first time, i wrote in a note to myself “yesterday was the first day i have felt happiness since…” i felt geniunely good. and had geniunely laughed. it was amazing.

the second time i felt the sun, i was leading a private yoga class. it was warm and i was excited. i was determined to let the sunshine.

today, was the third time. i’ve been getting up and walking about three miles and doing meditation and yoga for the past five days. and today, after eating breakfast and showering, i felt the sunshine.

the sunshine reminds me that emotions are fleting and to continue embracing the rain. because one cannot exist without the other, not in a balanced state at least.

i’ve been learning to sit with my grief. while walking, i’ve started listening to alex elle’s “hey girl” podcast. one that really shifted my perspective was her talk with jamila reddy, about greeting grief at the door.

after the storm, i spent a couple weeks just wishing the storm would’ve never happened. living in this interesting state of midn where i was in denial that the storm had happened, because the damage was so bad. it felt like i was living in a nightmare, just waiting and waiting to wake up.

after the third week, i had a moment where i was like “mayah, this is reality.” and being like i need to do what’s best for me to heal and clean up this mess.

now, four weeks later, i’ve felt the sunshine and i know that with due time, i will keep feeling the sunshine.

life after loss is complicated. and the best thing i can truly be patient with myself, knowing that i am trying. i’m learning that it’s okay to not be okay. to go with the ebbs and flows of emotions while knowing that they just are ebbs and flows and that the pain will pass.

so to wherever you are in your clean up, just please know that there will be sunshine. eventually.

i don’t really have a title

i originally started this post on june 20th. i wrote the following, in a state of confusion and unsure of what i would really do:

i don’t really have a title for this post. because if i titled it, i would probably say, i think i might be moving, but it seems to early to say that.

in eight days, it’ll be six months since i moved to georgia. i was excited, nervous, and ready to start this next chapter of my life. i got into a great graduate school program. it definitely took some adjusting, getting used to being in georgia, but by march, i would say i was well on my way.

for the past three months, i’ve been sheltering in place, over 600 miles away from my family. it’s been a challenge to say the least. and as things are changing, it seems to be getting safer to go places, i finally made plans to go home. i think i’ve slowly, but steadily pushed past my fear of leaving the house.

i was asked yesterday why i don’t just stay at home, and it’s like well why don’t i?

if i’m being honest, it’s because that makes me feel like i would be giving up.

today, i have moved back home. sunday it was a week. we drove back 6 months, to the DAY, from when we drove down to georgia. i don’t know how long i’ll be here. i don’t know what the future holds. if i think too far it’s confusing and i’m unsure. i’m making decisions everyday to try to make myself feel good.

but what i do know is i’ve smiled more in the last week being at home than i have in months. i do know i missed the michigan sun in the summer time. i do know i’m in a safe space to work through my anxiety. and i do know, i’ve felt MUCH better. my screen time has decreased. i walked 2.4 miles yesterday.

it’s almost like i feel like a person again. like a real person.

i’ve been thinking alot about love and what it means to me. and how it feels to be surrounded by love. and how i want to be surrounded by love.

i don’t know what that will look like. i’m hoping it includes a puppy. so we shall see.

i’ve been learning that it’s okay for me to let people love me. and that while i was alone i learned to fill my bucket up all by myself (which i will say was MUCH harder when you’re stuck indoors). and i’m grateful. because i appreciate the yawn my mother makes when she wakes up, just a little bit more.

whew, i feel much better

i’ve spent most of my time lately, at home. while i’m still in school, i’ve had so much more time for yoga and meditation, and healing. i’m astonished at how much i’ve grown, in just two months. honestly i feel like a new person.

one of the biggest things for me is looking at my life from a different perspective. from the perspective that everything is happening for a reason, which is to help me grow closer to God. it gives me comfort. i know that my experiences are teaching me things. “All you are is God and you cannot hurt me, thank you for being my teacher.” ive started thinking of my emotions as indicators of a problem and to be joyous when i find things to release. much of this is credited to my mom and Louise Hay (her book you can heal your life is AMAZING- 10/10 recommendation)

lately, i’ve been working through old emotions. sadness about things that i thought i had completely healed from. i’ve learned that old things come up so you can let them go. and to be grateful during this process of letting go.

i’ve also learned that forgiveness is based on being willing to forgive. and i’ve learned that you can forgive and choose to not continue the relationship. in my mother’s words, “you (the person being forgiven) took it too far.” sometimes it’s too far to rekindle a relationship. and all that means is you learned what you needed from them.

i’m also working on staying present more. i have a very active imagination and have my whole life. i daydream constantly. while i enjoy these qualities and know that they make me, me, i want to spend more time being engaged in the real world. to do this, i’ll keep doing yoga and probably start journaling more. i bought a passion planner which also has goal settings and prompts and stuff so i will use that as well.

as my chalkboard says “be intentional”. everyday i’m trying to be more of myself. to get to know me. and to be kinder to myself and the world.

intentionally

i’ve been on this journey of self-love for years now. i made this blog back in 2014 and if you look back at old posts you’ll see me raving about what it means to love someone or even yourself.

the way i define love now is the commitment to the bettering of oneself or another. so when i think of self-love, i think of what i actually do to better myself. that includes a lot of things, like sleeping, buy nutrious food to eat, cooking for myself, doing yoga, etc. my self love practices answer the question- what am i doing to help me?

so what am i doing to help me? lots of meditation and yoga. lots of meditating in yoga. lots of yoga in my meditations. i’m at the point where i’m doing yoga and meditating twice a day. i probably spend at least 2 hours daily for both. and honestly, it’s been amazing.

i feel more like me. more like me than i’ve ever felt. when i work during the day (i’m in graduate school full time), i am more reflective. i am more thoughtful. i put in more energy to my work and it’s a better quality.

i show up for myself everyday. i can count on my hands how many times in this last month i have not done yoga.

loving yourself doesn’t be have to be anything fancy. it’s just setting an intention. when setting your intention here are somethings to think about:

what makes me happy?
when do i feel most alive?
what’s one thing i can do today to make the day great?
how is my mindset reflective of what i want?
is there anything i can do to make the best out of the situation i am in?

by taking the time out to answer these questions and ones similar to it, you’ll start learning to identify what makes you happy and how you can incorporate that into your life. to often people turn to friends and others to make them happy. true happiness comes from within! cultivating your own happiness is your responsibility. start small. you’ll see big changes.