Tag Archives: growth

i’m writing a book (maybe? yes? no?)

yoga is the one thing in my life that will always make me feel better. writing sometimes makes me feel better, but always helps me think through what i’m going through. last year i started writing a book, about heartbreak and healing. it’s a collection of poetry that looks at heartbreak from multiple lenses, all from the perspective of the individual experiencing the pain. the collection in and of itself is raw, it explores many emotions that are painful and complex. i’m a few days into editing and honestly i love it. i can’t wait to see how the collection grows, what changes i make and how publishing works. while life is forcing me to sit and be still, i will be using my time to create, meditate and expand my yoga practice. i pray i grow stronger mentally, physically and emotionally. and i hope the same for you.

please enjoy one of the pieces from the book:

for years i was searching for someone like you
for someone to love.
i wanted more than anything to find you.

and today i looked up and i realized that i was the person i was waiting for all along.

that the universe was right that everything i needed truly was within me.
and i’m so sorry it took me so long to see it. but so grateful i see it now.

because my love you are amazing.
you are beautiful on the inside.
your heart is big and kind.
you think before you speak. you are deliberate with your words and on the occasion you are not you reflect. you think critically about what happened and why and what you were supposed to learn.
you work to diminish your ego, so that lesson may be easier for you.
because of your sensitive spirit words hurt you. and people hurt you. but you allow yourself to feel the pain and try very hard to get over it. even when it’s hard.
you admit when you are wrong. no matter how embarrassed it makes you feel.
and it took you a while to learn to admit when you needed help, but you’re learning it.

you love unconditionally and you set firm expectations
the act of you loving is healing to yourself and to others
you give just to give, but you demand to be respected.

you work hard to protect yourself and those you love.
your anxiety makes it so that you are prepared for every scenario possible because you made a promise to yourself over 7 years ago and you still work EVERYDAY to keep it your dedication to yourself and your growth is unparalleled.

you are loyal and honest. you hold the people you love to the highest standards because you know they can do it. you support without pushing, for you understand that everyone is learning where they are and if you interfere, they may not learn as much as they could. and to you, learning is the most important thing.

you know when it’s time to go. you leave early and return to a world that you created for yourself. you nourish your body and your soul, on purpose.

you stay away from things and people that have hurt you. you want more than anything to protect yourself. your boundaries with yourself may not always be easy to adhere to, but you know it’s worth it.

my love you are the greatest blessing in my world. you are a blessing to the world. and i promise that know that i see that, i will always remember it.

to heal

“healing is not linear.” it’s a phrase i have seen and heard a billion times. i understood that healing took time, but i dont’t hink i truly understood what the non-linear part of healing is.

healing cannot be linear because that would mean that once you have “moved past it”, there would be no triggers, check-points, dates or anything in your life that would mirror any trauma you have had. therefore healing is a process because it’s the process of learning strategies to help you face these “triggers” better.

i’ve been looking forward to and dreading Valentine’s Day at the same time. part of me was very excited because i knew this valentine’s day would be way better than last year’s, because i’m in a better space emotionally, mentally and physcially. i have been investing in realtionships where i feel loved and supported, pursuing my passions (which takes up most of my time lol) and learning to take care of myself in this new space. it’s hard, but as one of my friends in my cohort told me, i need to give myself some grace, which i have been trying to. the other part of me was dreading valentine’s day because last valentine’s day was so horrible. my trust in someone was betrayed, unvealing patterns of gaslighting and emotional abuse within the relationship. to be frank, i was devasted.

it’s hard because from that devastation i was placed in this short (yet long) period of solititude. i deliberatly spent time investing in myself, getting to know myself better and learning my body. that effort i put in has become part of my daily routine and has made me so much stronger. my old therapist told me that one thing i can start doing is saying “and” instead of “but”. so i’ll try that hear. it’s hard for me to think of that trauma as “beneficial” because going through it was not fun. and while it was hard i am grateful for how much i have grown. i’m literally a different person today than i was last year. which i am happy about.

so i guess what i’m grappling with is the idea that events can be lifechanging and traumatizing. and that in those spaces you are allowed to be happy with where you are and sad about what has happened. i’m coming to that conclusion myself, which has been a little difficult without feeling like i’m betraying the mayah that was hurt or the mayah who is in a much better space today.

today has been complicated as have the days leading up to it. i was intentional with giving myself more grace this weekend. i’m going to do hot yoga tonight (one of my favorite activities), do my hair, and do a juice cleanse this weekend. the hot yoga is to start my detox and the physical process of me letting go. the next 30 or so hours will hoepfully all me to arrive at a space of higher consciousness, where i am more in tune with my body (and she will be able to reset) and fill myself with love.

on days like today i think about what i think love is- an intentional commitment to oneself and others. and i have committed to myself and others. so i guess that is what it’s all about.

forgiveness

the last time i was in atlanta (before i moved), i got my chart read. in astrology, your chart is essentially your life path. it determines the struggles you have, etc that are all based on when you were born. for me it just reiterates that everything in your life is being done in divine timing, down to the minute you were born. the astrologist told me that my life lesson is to learn how to forgive people when they hurt me. and Lord knows i struggle with this. it’s almost like i feel like when people hurt my feelings that it’s because they wanted to. and that since they did it is no longer safe for me to be around them. so i have to leave. and it’s like after something happens i may want to reach out but it’s just so hard to. it’s like i can convince myself every single time that if i do i will be only hurting myself and that this happened so that means i am not loved nor valued in that space. and that i deserve to be loved and valued so i have to end the relationship and just cannot do it anymore.

if i’m being completely honest i think it’s a ptsd response. it’s like i’ve been hurt so bad the idea of even putting myself in any position to possibly be hurt a little sends my body into survival mode and i will do whatever it takes to stop the pain.

i also blame myself whenever i get hurt because i feel like it’s my fault for even being vulnerable enough in the first place to let myself get hurt.

so where do i go from there?

normally i first reflect and then i sit with it. i recently had a conversation where i realized that i struggle so much with admitting things upset me not because i don’t understand the feeling, but rather i am afraid that i will not have the newly presented need (a change) met. i am working towards intentionally explaining my needs and expecting them to be met. it’s just i have to set this new standard that when my needs aren’t met that i leave. that’s the hard part for me- i often don’t want to. but what i’ve learned is it’s necessary because it allows space for what i actually want.

i have to constantly remind myself that it is okay to forgive those who have hurt me because everything happens for a reason. and that painful things teach me things so for that i have to be grateful for the lesson- to let go of the pain and keep the knowledge.

it’s a process but i’m learning.

2020

i’m laying down, its 6 am and i’m in my apartment in atlanta. that’s crazy for me to even say. i moved. across the country. my biggest accomplishment of the decade was graduating early with a 3.6. my biggest change was moving to go to graduate school. these things happened within the same month. within a month, my whole world has literally changed. while my heart aches, for fear of the new, it also smiles. this is my chance to start over. to be me from the beginning. i’m nervous while excited. sad but happy. the complexity of these emotions is interesting. it’s all new. all of it. so i am writing to tell God and my angels thank you for your support in 2019 and all the years prior. i devote this year to serving You and fulfilling my purpose.

21, a summary

Today is my last day being 21. I lay in bed, on vacation, awake in pain. my stomach, like clockwork, hurts yet again. the pain is gut renching, i can’t speak for real, can barely stand, and make it up just enough to go take my herbal laxative, get a piece of mint gum and some water. this has become a part of my normal routine. and i am tired.

21 has been a very hard year for me. i have grown in so many ways and a lot of times it was situations forcing me to reflect and grow, which was uncomfortable. the pain i have in my stomach is the same. so what’s the issue you ask? constipation. gas. my digestive system is off. i have tried so many things to get it on track but since i’m on vacation i haven’t been sticking to my new routine (hot lemon water first thing in the morning and i was thinking about drinking a glass of water before each meal). i’m tired. of the pain. of the emotional drain.

this is one thing I want to leave behind in my 21st year- the pain. i want to find better solutions that help me maintain balance, without having to do periods of intense cleanse (no dairy, low sugar diet- no sweets or anything with more than 11 grams of sugar). it’s restriction after restriction and me continually telling myself no when my heart and body says yes.

i want to feel better. i want to be better. but most of all, i just want some rest.