graduation – mayah's site

nerves

lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. but luckily, i’m aware of the trigger.

i start my last semester of undergrad on Tuesday and to be frank i’m terrified. there are so many changes coming this semester, and though they’re all based on conscious decisions I made, i’m still nervous.

i’m feeling sad about going back to school for a few reasons. one, i feel like i don’t have any friends in the capacity that i want. i feel like i’m going to go back to school and no one is going to care whether i’m there or not, and that my presence at school neither positively nor negatively affects anyone. it’s like i’m going back to a space where i don’t feel like theres any love there.

and i know this is partially because i had a really hard last semester. i had to make some decisions that ended up being worthwhile in the long run, but that caused me a lot of pain. and it’s like i’m scared to go back to any sort of space that reminds me of all of this pain. and when I came home from school, I was able to further my healing.

i’m also nervous to be alone, physically. while normally at school i spend most of my time alone, i was with my sister everyday for most of the summer. and while she goes to Michigan we’re not living together nor taking the same classes. so it’ll just be different. my sister is one of the few people i know truly cares about me.

while i’m excited to get my own studio apartment, i’m still nervous about the friends aspect. i love having my own space and being alone, but sometimes i would like someone to hang out with. but i don’t feel like i have anyone that would want to hang out with me nor want to make the 15 minute drive from campus to my apt.

so while i am super nervous, i am trying to be open, and open my heart to unconditional love and allow this year to be full of great experiences. it’s just harder for me because i have to get past the “well what if i get hurt again?” feeling. all i can say is i just keep praying for a friend. and just keep reminding myself that i’m in a new space and it will be better.

june 15th

today I’m going to post about two things that are important to me that just happened. On Sunday I graduated from high school. I graduated forth in my class, with a 4.13 cumulative and over 200,000 in scholarships. I decorated my cap and it was education themed because I want to be a teacher! I’m really proud of myself and have been celebrating myself this whole weekend. As part of my graduation gift, my dad took me to go see Beyoncé’s concert. I am a huge Beyoncé fan and enjoyed the concert a lot. My message for today is to treat yourself. Allow yourself to have fun and celebrate you. Whether that’s going to be going out or just doing something cute (like with your hair, outfits etc). Celebrate you!

(I was so close to Beyoncé!)

(my grandparents and me)

(I am about to change the world one student at a time!)

june 5th

I missed the fourth but it’s okay. Today is the fifth and I would like to reflect on life. I know the theme for this month is self care, in relation to self love but reflection is important. Today I went to my best friend’s (of ten years) high school graduation. I graduate from high school next week and with this in mind I am really thinking about life. Part of taking care of yourself is accepting the past and your mistakes. While doing this, you must move forward. Take a moment to accept yourself for the person you are. Look back at your life and realize that all is (or will be well). You’re growing and changing. Love yourself every step of the way.