graduate school – mayah's site

i don’t really have a title

i originally started this post on june 20th. i wrote the following, in a state of confusion and unsure of what i would really do:

i don’t really have a title for this post. because if i titled it, i would probably say, i think i might be moving, but it seems to early to say that.

in eight days, it’ll be six months since i moved to georgia. i was excited, nervous, and ready to start this next chapter of my life. i got into a great graduate school program. it definitely took some adjusting, getting used to being in georgia, but by march, i would say i was well on my way.

for the past three months, i’ve been sheltering in place, over 600 miles away from my family. it’s been a challenge to say the least. and as things are changing, it seems to be getting safer to go places, i finally made plans to go home. i think i’ve slowly, but steadily pushed past my fear of leaving the house.

i was asked yesterday why i don’t just stay at home, and it’s like well why don’t i?

if i’m being honest, it’s because that makes me feel like i would be giving up.

today, i have moved back home. sunday it was a week. we drove back 6 months, to the DAY, from when we drove down to georgia. i don’t know how long i’ll be here. i don’t know what the future holds. if i think too far it’s confusing and i’m unsure. i’m making decisions everyday to try to make myself feel good.

but what i do know is i’ve smiled more in the last week being at home than i have in months. i do know i missed the michigan sun in the summer time. i do know i’m in a safe space to work through my anxiety. and i do know, i’ve felt MUCH better. my screen time has decreased. i walked 2.4 miles yesterday.

it’s almost like i feel like a person again. like a real person.

i’ve been thinking alot about love and what it means to me. and how it feels to be surrounded by love. and how i want to be surrounded by love.

i don’t know what that will look like. i’m hoping it includes a puppy. so we shall see.

i’ve been learning that it’s okay for me to let people love me. and that while i was alone i learned to fill my bucket up all by myself (which i will say was MUCH harder when you’re stuck indoors). and i’m grateful. because i appreciate the yawn my mother makes when she wakes up, just a little bit more.

moving, a poem.

less than a month ago, i moved across the country. literally packed up my stuff and had it shipped. you see that was hard because it was on a time crunch and i felt like i was constantly running out of time and that if i slowed down any more everything i wanted and and hoped for would past me by and i would be unable to obtain it.

you see what people don’t tell you about moving is that everything changes. literally everything. and you see i should know this because i’ve moved before and maybe i have felt this pain before but right feels like my heart is coming out of my chest and i don’t know how i’m doing what i’m doing it’s just that all i know is that I was sent here for a reason and that reason was to help people. and that when i remember that it’s like i can finally breath again.

everything changes though. i’ve had to learn new streets, new laws, new historical facts, how georgia does this, how atlanta does that. and let me tell you, the South is very different from the North. i’m learning more and more how to be alone. how to be in this new space. and most of the time i won’t admit that it’s crazy that i thought it was a good idea to move across the country.

i’ve been crying all day. it’s like i want to stop but i cannot because once i opened the gate it’s like the river started flowing and flowing and it’s like now i have all this sadness left to deal with because i’m here and not there and i’m missing EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. i am missing everything that is going on with every single person i love because i am not there. and it’s hard because i have nothing to focus on here besides school and we all know you cannot stay sane and think about school 24/7. i have missed a baby being born. i have missed a fashion show. i will miss birthdays and celebrations and births. life has not pasued because i am not there nor will it ever.

and sometime in the future i hope i become okay with all this and i hope the plan is relieved but God knows that in this very momenet it is very hard for me and i am very sad and very scared because i am very sad and alone.

2020

i’m laying down, its 6 am and i’m in my apartment in atlanta. that’s crazy for me to even say. i moved. across the country. my biggest accomplishment of the decade was graduating early with a 3.6. my biggest change was moving to go to graduate school. these things happened within the same month. within a month, my whole world has literally changed. while my heart aches, for fear of the new, it also smiles. this is my chance to start over. to be me from the beginning. i’m nervous while excited. sad but happy. the complexity of these emotions is interesting. it’s all new. all of it. so i am writing to tell God and my angels thank you for your support in 2019 and all the years prior. i devote this year to serving You and fulfilling my purpose.

ATL, once more

On Wednesday, I went to Atlanta, partly to visit someone, and then to visit Georgia State. From the trip I learned a few things, and I just wanted to share them.

Always pay attention to your surroundings- unfortunately I was in an accident, but it was because I wasn’t pay total attention to my surroundings. Make sure you’re looking!
Live in the moment- planning is important, but take in every moment.
Visualize yourself where you are- because I was visiting Georgia State to see about a graduate program, I wanted to make sure I could really see myself attending school there. I think visiting schools is really important in regards to making a decision. For undergrad, I was blessed enough to my top schools, so I’m glad that I am still blessed enough to visit the graduate school programs.
Take pictures- document the moment!
Travel- I’ve decided to use the extra money I have to travel, instead of buying clothes! It’s the best way to make memories.

Overall, I learned a lot on this trip and am happy I went! Below are a few pictures from my trip while I was at Morehouse!