as a child i was very in touch with my emotions. as i grew older, i wanted to become more detached from them, but they would still always show up. just in ways that weren’t fun- like blowing up over “nothing”. i internalized a lot of emotions because they were big and i didn’t know how to deal with them.
quarantining (which is what i just have decided to continue calling our “new normal” of leaving the house minimally and not coming in close contact with others) has given me a lot of time to slow down and feel all the feels.
and y’all, it is not fun. people talk about being single as this liberating period of time, where you really discover who you are. and while i do believe this is true, it has proven to be quite a challenge to sit with my big emotions and actually sort through them. pinpointing my needs. figuring out ways to meet them. i would say dating myself is one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life, if not the most.
i constantly find myself wondering, “God when will this subside?” Like when do i get to the point where it’s a passive discomfort, not this active pain. and my answer to myself is always something like “girl i don’t know but i sure hope it comes.”
and i guess that’s what hope is right. the faith that something better will come. and that one day, it’ll be a little less difficult. so please remember, it’s okay to feel big emotions.
i’ve learned a lot within these past few months about gratitude.
I was talking to my best friend today about the faith crisis i had a couple of months ago.
i was in this space where i felt like i was constantly having to give up things/relationships that i didn’t want to. and i felt that i had no choice. and honestly, i was really angry with God.
i was angry that i was sad. i was angry that i was in the position i was in. but most of all, i was completely devastated.
i had to make a choice about my faith. if i really truly believed in God. if i really truly believed that He has this plan for me that’s greater than what i can imagine. if i want to lean into that, while still feeling all of the emotions.
and i decided i did. and i am still choosing to believe in God. i am still choosing my faith. i am still choosing growth.
i moved back to atlanta this past weekend and it’s already been a whirlwind of emotions. i’m making a lot of faith based decisions. i’m finishing graduate school. i’m moving to make sure i’m in a better space emotionally. practicing non-attachment. trying to stay present. figuring out what i can do to create happiness. trying to let myself know that these changes don’t always “feel” good. i’m praying for increased discernment. and trying to give myself more space to listen to God.
and y’all it is hard. and i will keep choosing growth.
I come to You today asking You to breathe peace into myself and the Earth. Lord, I know that you anticipate and will meet all of my needs. Lord, I need a little bit more help. I’ve been dealing with a lot Lord, as You know, and I need You to take it from me. I give it all to You Lord.
Lord, please calm my spirit when it is restless. Give me gentle reminders to breathe. Help me breathe. Give me space to breathe. Surround me with a strong support system, filled with like minded beings who love and support me. Give me gentle guidance. Continue to send me reminders that I am okay. I am so thankful for them.
Lord, please calm the world. Give us healing, support and love, so we can transition to a more positive space. Lord, I have realized that the space we are in, as a world, is to reconfigure us. So that we can grow closer to You. I know that all of the experiences that are happening are to reveal Your truth- that all beings deserve to be protected and respected, which is the only truth. Let us learn these lessons as swiftly and as deeply as possible, so we can move forward in Your grace. Give extra support to those who are struggling with this change. Let them see the truth.
Lord, let all I do and speak be for Your honor.
“ Lord when I am confused guide me. When I am weary energize me Lord. When I am burned out infuse me with the light of the Holy Spirit. May the work that I do in the way that I do it bring hope, life and courage to all that come in contact with me today. And, oh Lord, even in the days more stressful moments may rest in You.”
Lord hear my prayers.
In the matchless name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.
i’ve spent most of my time lately, at home. while i’m still in school, i’ve had so much more time for yoga and meditation, and healing. i’m astonished at how much i’ve grown, in just two months. honestly i feel like a new person.
one of the biggest things for me is looking at my life from a different perspective. from the perspective that everything is happening for a reason, which is to help me grow closer to God. it gives me comfort. i know that my experiences are teaching me things. “All you are is God and you cannot hurt me, thank you for being my teacher.” ive started thinking of my emotions as indicators of a problem and to be joyous when i find things to release. much of this is credited to my mom and Louise Hay (her book you can heal your life is AMAZING- 10/10 recommendation)
lately, i’ve been working through old emotions. sadness about things that i thought i had completely healed from. i’ve learned that old things come up so you can let them go. and to be grateful during this process of letting go.
i’ve also learned that forgiveness is based on being willing to forgive. and i’ve learned that you can forgive and choose to not continue the relationship. in my mother’s words, “you (the person being forgiven) took it too far.” sometimes it’s too far to rekindle a relationship. and all that means is you learned what you needed from them.
i’m also working on staying present more. i have a very active imagination and have my whole life. i daydream constantly. while i enjoy these qualities and know that they make me, me, i want to spend more time being engaged in the real world. to do this, i’ll keep doing yoga and probably start journaling more. i bought a passion planner which also has goal settings and prompts and stuff so i will use that as well.
as my chalkboard says “be intentional”. everyday i’m trying to be more of myself. to get to know me. and to be kinder to myself and the world.
i was told once by a reader that my life task/challenge is to learn how to forgive. i wasn’t surprised at all. i struggle with forgiving. it’s something that i had been working on before my chart was read, but after it was i have been focusing on it more.
earlier today i was thinking about toxic masculinity (thanks to Watch the Yard’s IG post) and how to dismantle it. i responded to the post (which is something i don’t normally do) explaining how toxic masculinity is a result of horizontal violence, specifically in the black community. paulo freire has written about oppression and horizontal violence is in his book pedagogy of the oppressed (10/10 recommend, it def changed my life). oppression according to freire is based on the desire to control. as a result, the oppressed embody some of the oppressors habits, leading to them wanting to control. this leads to toxic masculinity, in the context of the black community, because black men have very little they can control (due to institutional racism). so thus they try to control women and children, and other men. so what’s the key? what stops it? love. freire theorizes that the oppressed have to be the ones to free themselves- liberating themselves by recognizing the patterns of the oppressors they embody, as well as recognizing their own situation. the whole point is that if we understand the system, use our voices to talk about our experiences and educate, we can dismantle it. it’s a lot of work, but that’s a way to explain it simply.
so then i was thinking about love, and one of my favorite books, all about love, by bell hooks. in chapter 8, she talks about forgiveness. she explains that forgiveness is the act of truly understanding and allows the person who was hurt to turn from a victim to a co-creator in their own narrative. in the chapter she explains how she was hurt my people and took time to understand them, and forgave them. she even mentions how she’s encouraged others to do the same.
then my questions arise- well when does one truly know how to forgive? like how do you truly understand where someone is coming from? how do you maintain the space to allow someone to explain themselves? when is enough enough? how do you forgive and not let them back in?
mind you, i’ve done all of these things. it’s just that i feel like forgiveness is tricky. one thing i’ve learned from therapy is trauma rewires your brain. i know i struggle with identifying if the action was done to harm me or not, and it’s very hard for me to convince myself that people aren’t trying to hurt me. since i’ve had people who have, it’s not as easy for me to just say okay well they didn’t mean it.
i would love to get to that point where i don’t have a complete meltdown when something hurts my feelings. or when i don’t sit and cry for hours because i got a bad grade.
it’s hard for me to bounce back. and then when you factor in the concept of ego, and the idea that i don’t want to be hurt and am offended by someone hurting me, it gets even harder.
so what do i do? i meditate and do exercises to promote discernment (i.e. ego eradicator, receiving reiki treatments, healing sessions, yoga and a lot of praying). i ask for guidance and help.
i want to open my heart to forgive like bell hooks says. i want to be able to stand in spaces with those who have offended me and understand that their actions are a reflection of them and that they may actually not be personal. that’s the goal.
keep on trying to forgive. it may be hard but according to chapter 8, forgiveness allows love to exist. and we need love.