i was reading last night about how friendships are necessary because they help you learn how to love- how young children use familial and platonic relationships to create expectations of love.

then i got to pondering about my friendships, or rather my lack there of. throughout my life, i’ve cycled through friendships. it got to a point where i was almost having a new “bestie” per year. and i’ve got to thinking about why.

at this point i feel that most people i know have a really close friend, who they spend a lot of time with and care about. so it has allowed me to understand how they want to be loved/cared for. so when i see them interacting with others, i see expressions of love.

but when i reflect, i don’t see reflections of love. and it’s not that i have the same expectations for how they act in other relationships, it’s that i see that there is minimal effort put into loving and caring about me.

so my current dilemma is how to handle it. is it that i express how i want to be loved? or is it that i accept the persons actions and allow them to be themselves? in the latter that involves me making other decisions for the friendship, such as distancing myself for healing purposes.

but it leaves me in this cycle where i feel like i am getting to know people, seeing how they act, sitting back and realizing im not their to pick as a friend, but they’re mine. it’s longing for a friend that loves me and actually wants to hang out with me.

i am trying to be optimistic and prayerful for a friend. hopefully on this mountain i get one.

where i am

it’s been too long. within this time i’ve been healing, learning to love myself and others and working everyday to create a peaceful life for me. i’ve permanently ended a relationship i thought would last lifetimes and created new ones that i am confident will serve me as long as i need.

so i want to share three gems, i’ve learned while being in Cuba and being home.

  1. trust your body- this is important because it is your guide. take the time you need to care for yourself. while in cuba i struggled a lot with food and i’ve learned that your body will tell you what you need and use what you have to survive. your body has your best interest in heart. take care of it. that means sleeping well, eating well, and doing physical and mental activity that heals you. when you take care of yourself you feel so much better. but this requires effort and planning and adaptability. it’s an ongoing process in which you have to have a lot of patience- some days may be hard but the journey is so worth it.
  2. reflection instead of critiquing- sometimes you’ll look and you may have wanted to do differently. but it is important to make sure that you are reflection to heal not to hurt. sometimes i have a habit of getting “down” on myself and acting like i am this horrible person when i make a mistake. but that is not the goal of reflection. the goal is to say this is where i am and this is what i want- how can i get there? kind words and thoughts towards yourself can go a long way.
  3. it’s okay to need help- i have resented asking for help for a while now. it’s because the intentions of others may not be pure enough for my liking. but surround yourself with those whose intentions are pure. who actually want you to succeed. and in those spaces you can ask for help. allow yourself to be vulnerable, but only after you feel comfortable. again, allow your body and spirit to guide you. you know what feels right.

i’ll write more about cuba and what i learned later, but for now, just know living there changed my life.


“birds of the same feather flock together.” this is a really popular saying, that really just means that you are who you hang around. though I don’t necessarily believe you are who you hang around, I do believe that you hang around people who you are similar to (that’s why you are friends- similarities). one of the most important things in life is to have good friends. good friends are those who support you and love you for you. they push you to be your best and really actually care about you. a lot of times, people hang out with those who don’t care about them. you have to get to the point where you love yourself the most. this means that you’re going to value yourself and understand that you deserve the best friends possible. your friends are very influential, so you need to make sure that you’re picking friends that care about you. also, when you see someone’s true colors believe them. eventually the truth always comes out. so make sure that the birds you’re flocking with are people that support you. because you deserve to be supported in every aspect of your life.


june 5th

I missed the fourth but it’s okay. Today is the fifth and I would like to reflect on life. I know the theme for this month is self care, in relation to self love but reflection is important. Today I went to my best friend’s (of ten years) high school graduation. I graduate from high school next week and with this in mind I am really thinking about life. Part of taking care of yourself is accepting the past and your mistakes. While doing this, you must move forward. Take a moment to accept yourself for the person you are. Look back at your life and realize that all is (or will be well). You’re growing and changing. Love yourself every step of the way.