friends – mayah's site

forgiving

i was told once by a reader that my life task/challenge is to learn how to forgive. i wasn’t surprised at all. i struggle with forgiving. it’s something that i had been working on before my chart was read, but after it was i have been focusing on it more.

earlier today i was thinking about toxic masculinity (thanks to Watch the Yard’s IG post) and how to dismantle it. i responded to the post (which is something i don’t normally do) explaining how toxic masculinity is a result of horizontal violence, specifically in the black community. paulo freire has written about oppression and horizontal violence is in his book pedagogy of the oppressed (10/10 recommend, it def changed my life). oppression according to freire is based on the desire to control. as a result, the oppressed embody some of the oppressors habits, leading to them wanting to control. this leads to toxic masculinity, in the context of the black community, because black men have very little they can control (due to institutional racism). so thus they try to control women and children, and other men. so what’s the key? what stops it? love. freire theorizes that the oppressed have to be the ones to free themselves- liberating themselves by recognizing the patterns of the oppressors they embody, as well as recognizing their own situation. the whole point is that if we understand the system, use our voices to talk about our experiences and educate, we can dismantle it. it’s a lot of work, but that’s a way to explain it simply.

so then i was thinking about love, and one of my favorite books, all about love, by bell hooks. in chapter 8, she talks about forgiveness. she explains that forgiveness is the act of truly understanding and allows the person who was hurt to turn from a victim to a co-creator in their own narrative. in the chapter she explains how she was hurt my people and took time to understand them, and forgave them. she even mentions how she’s encouraged others to do the same.

then my questions arise- well when does one truly know how to forgive? like how do you truly understand where someone is coming from? how do you maintain the space to allow someone to explain themselves? when is enough enough? how do you forgive and not let them back in?

mind you, i’ve done all of these things. it’s just that i feel like forgiveness is tricky. one thing i’ve learned from therapy is trauma rewires your brain. i know i struggle with identifying if the action was done to harm me or not, and it’s very hard for me to convince myself that people aren’t trying to hurt me. since i’ve had people who have, it’s not as easy for me to just say okay well they didn’t mean it.

i would love to get to that point where i don’t have a complete meltdown when something hurts my feelings. or when i don’t sit and cry for hours because i got a bad grade.

it’s hard for me to bounce back. and then when you factor in the concept of ego, and the idea that i don’t want to be hurt and am offended by someone hurting me, it gets even harder.

so what do i do? i meditate and do exercises to promote discernment (i.e. ego eradicator, receiving reiki treatments, healing sessions, yoga and a lot of praying). i ask for guidance and help.

i want to open my heart to forgive like bell hooks says. i want to be able to stand in spaces with those who have offended me and understand that their actions are a reflection of them and that they may actually not be personal. that’s the goal.

keep on trying to forgive. it may be hard but according to chapter 8, forgiveness allows love to exist. and we need love.

look on the bright side

gratitude is a deliberate choice. i’ll say it again, gratitude is a deliberate choice. you get to choose how you want to view situations. you get to choose how you want to talk about situations. you may not get to choose the situation. but you get to choose how you react to it.

i woke up this morning feeling very grateful and loved. i had ideas for rebranding and connecting my blog, twitter and instagram. i’ve been getting excited because i have more time to exercise, do yoga and do my hair. excited to sleep and get to recharge. i was feeling grateful for my family and my partner and overall feeling very happy. i had already done one of my workouts and some meditation.

then i had a thought of a situation that happened that made me feel unloved. it was time for me to follow a yoga class (one of the studios i thought about doing YTT at has free online classes right now), which i was also very grateful for. as i started the class i released the sad thoughts and started focusing more on my breath.

after the class was over i felt much better and went on to complete my morning routine. while i was doing it, anytime the sad thought would come back i would not give it any attention. i have so much to be grateful for and so many situations where i feel loved. why would i focus on the ones that i don’t?

i decided to focus my energy on being grateful. gratitude allows you to reflect on the good. there’s always something to be grateful for.

my message of the week for myself is take care. so the message of this post will be to take care of yourself by focusing on the good, investing in it and centering yourself in love and light. you got this!

maximize opportunities

our world has changed.

so what do we do know?

at first it can seem overwhelming to be at home, have more time to ponder and be unsure of what is going on in the world. here are some tips that i’ve used to create a smooth transition to this new life.

• clean your space- i started staying at home last Thursday and have thus far left the house twice (three times if you include that i got things from the store, brought them home and then went back out to the store). the first thing i did was clean. i disinfected and washed everything. it made me feel better and left my home a lot cleaner. everyday i have time scheduled in to clean so it’s not overwhelming. yesterday i cleaned the kitchen. today i cleaned my closets. tomorrow i’ll organize the kitchen and my desk. a little cleaning each day has made me feel so much better
• create a routine- these last few days i have strictly done no work and just taken time for myself. now that i’m ready to start working, i need a plan. i used the time block method so i have a calendar stating what i will do at what time. i know i thrive on schedules and want to maximize my time.
• do what makes me happy- yoga, eating good food, meditation, doing my hair and interactions with my loved ones make me happy. so i have carved out time for my favorite things within my schedule. a yoga studio i was thinking about doing YTT (yoga teacher training) at is currently offering free classes via YouTube. I did one today, as well as my own personal practice and it felt so good!
• invest in a passion- i’ve decided that i’m going to publish my poetry book i started last year during this time. i also have been wanting to rebrand myself (connecting my blog more to IG and possibly expanding into YouTube). so i’ll be working on content creation!
• healthy habits- “I’m only going to eat 1 cookie today.” and then you actually only eat one cookie. take this time to create healthy habits- working out, drinking at least 64 ounces of water a day, or even doing yoga. these are things people say they want to do, but claim they don’t have time. i get it- i never work out either. but i’ve decided i have no reason to not work out and will be doing so. struggling with your natural hair? take this time to learn it! check out my blog post (https://lovemayah.com/2019/08/29/my-hair-routine/) for my hair care regimen!
• creating firm boundaries- mostly with yourself and others. the consumption of fake news is at an all time high. choosing to not engage may be for the best. other boundaries can be harder but more worthwhile- choosing to eat 1 cookie instead of 3 is a good example.
• get some sleep- last but not least! get some sleep! taking care of your body is so so important! this is a time to rest and recharge! take advantage of it!

i’m writing a book (maybe? yes? no?)

yoga is the one thing in my life that will always make me feel better. writing sometimes makes me feel better, but always helps me think through what i’m going through. last year i started writing a book, about heartbreak and healing. it’s a collection of poetry that looks at heartbreak from multiple lenses, all from the perspective of the individual experiencing the pain. the collection in and of itself is raw, it explores many emotions that are painful and complex. i’m a few days into editing and honestly i love it. i can’t wait to see how the collection grows, what changes i make and how publishing works. while life is forcing me to sit and be still, i will be using my time to create, meditate and expand my yoga practice. i pray i grow stronger mentally, physically and emotionally. and i hope the same for you.

please enjoy one of the pieces from the book:

for years i was searching for someone like you
for someone to love.
i wanted more than anything to find you.

and today i looked up and i realized that i was the person i was waiting for all along.

that the universe was right that everything i needed truly was within me.
and i’m so sorry it took me so long to see it. but so grateful i see it now.

because my love you are amazing.
you are beautiful on the inside.
your heart is big and kind.
you think before you speak. you are deliberate with your words and on the occasion you are not you reflect. you think critically about what happened and why and what you were supposed to learn.
you work to diminish your ego, so that lesson may be easier for you.
because of your sensitive spirit words hurt you. and people hurt you. but you allow yourself to feel the pain and try very hard to get over it. even when it’s hard.
you admit when you are wrong. no matter how embarrassed it makes you feel.
and it took you a while to learn to admit when you needed help, but you’re learning it.

you love unconditionally and you set firm expectations
the act of you loving is healing to yourself and to others
you give just to give, but you demand to be respected.

you work hard to protect yourself and those you love.
your anxiety makes it so that you are prepared for every scenario possible because you made a promise to yourself over 7 years ago and you still work EVERYDAY to keep it your dedication to yourself and your growth is unparalleled.

you are loyal and honest. you hold the people you love to the highest standards because you know they can do it. you support without pushing, for you understand that everyone is learning where they are and if you interfere, they may not learn as much as they could. and to you, learning is the most important thing.

you know when it’s time to go. you leave early and return to a world that you created for yourself. you nourish your body and your soul, on purpose.

you stay away from things and people that have hurt you. you want more than anything to protect yourself. your boundaries with yourself may not always be easy to adhere to, but you know it’s worth it.

my love you are the greatest blessing in my world. you are a blessing to the world. and i promise that know that i see that, i will always remember it.

graduating

these last few months have been filled with unexpected blessings. and honestly, i finally feel like i’m reaping what i have sown. I graduate in 6 days. I move to go to graduate school in 20. I start my grad program in less than a month. i’ve learned to manage my anxiety. i bought a car. i’m moving to be on my own. i brought my girlfriend over for thanksgiving to meet my family. my best friend since i was 9 became an aka and i got to be there. i stood up to protect spaces for black students within UM. i will be graduating with honors. and i will be going to grad school for free (this is yet to be confirmed, i’m just putting it out there (see blog post on law of attraction). and i went to yoga five times this past week. i gained the weight back i lost and am on a currently dairy free and low sugar diet (diet meaning lifestyle in this context). i am battling my stomach issues with love and am confident i will find a regimen where i will be pain free (again, law of attraction).

so as i reflect on this year and how hard it was for me, i have realized one major thing. i learned how to be alone.

i learned how to love myself, each and every bit. i learned to laugh at my mistakes and forgive myself for them. and while it might sound quaint, it wasn’t easy. if you would’ve talked to me in the first few months of 2019, i would’ve told you it was the worst time of my life. and it was. 21 has been the hardest year of my life, but yet one of the sweetest because i put in so much love into myself. i stopped pouring into others. that’s not my job nor has it ever been. it is my job to pour into myself and teach others how to pour into themselves. this was hard because i had to learn how to take care of myself. you see, i had unhealthy patterns, which were formed as a response to some trauma if i’m being honest. i was codependent on those close to me. i ended up being in this sort of isolation, where i had to learn myself. it literally was like my world was falling apart. and granted- it was. but i can sit here and talk about it because i learned from it. and i’m happy it did; for now i have this life i love.

i had to create a strict regimen to take care of myself. meditation twice a day, three meals a day, nine hours of sleep, a gallon of water a day, hair washed weekly, no sex, no alcohol, no drugs, and yoga three times a week. i would force myself to get up. it was hard. and i forced myself because i knew that it was my job to take care of me, so i had to really learn how to do it. last semester, i spent a lot of time alone. for the first time ever really. i had time to think and decide what i wanted. and by the end of the semester i forreal still didn’t know. over the summer i did a similar regimen and same for this semester. it’s kept me on track. i enrolled in group therapy as well as individual, to learn how to manage my anxiety. i created healthy boundaries with those close to me, so i could have maintain my space while being with others. i had to learn to let myself be loved; that was very scary, because i had gotten so used to being alone.

i’m learning right now how to forgive people. i’ve created an action plan which involves stepping away from the situation, reevaluating it, talking it out (not to necessarily follow others advise, but to hear it aloud for myself) and writing/painting. i’ve turned to art as a healing force as well as yoga and meditation.

but most of all, i make an effort to think about what i truly want. and how i can get that. and now it’s like i’m at this point where i have to be willing to take the leap. i’m moving across the country. like packing up my life and moving. and while i’m super excited cause the grad program was my #1 choice, i’m starting over. and i pray this new life is all i wanted and more.

i know it will be because for once i’m getting to know mayah and figuring out what she likes. who she is, how she identifies, what makes her happy, what makes her sad. it’s like i can truly feel again. it’s like i’ve became the person i always wanted to be. and the crazy part is, i’m elevating and will only go higher.