i was told once by a reader that my life task/challenge is to learn how to forgive. i wasn’t surprised at all. i struggle with forgiving. it’s something that i had been working on before my chart was read, but after it was i have been focusing on it more.

earlier today i was thinking about toxic masculinity (thanks to Watch the Yard’s IG post) and how to dismantle it. i responded to the post (which is something i don’t normally do) explaining how toxic masculinity is a result of horizontal violence, specifically in the black community. paulo freire has written about oppression and horizontal violence is in his book pedagogy of the oppressed (10/10 recommend, it def changed my life). oppression according to freire is based on the desire to control. as a result, the oppressed embody some of the oppressors habits, leading to them wanting to control. this leads to toxic masculinity, in the context of the black community, because black men have very little they can control (due to institutional racism). so thus they try to control women and children, and other men. so what’s the key? what stops it? love. freire theorizes that the oppressed have to be the ones to free themselves- liberating themselves by recognizing the patterns of the oppressors they embody, as well as recognizing their own situation. the whole point is that if we understand the system, use our voices to talk about our experiences and educate, we can dismantle it. it’s a lot of work, but that’s a way to explain it simply.

so then i was thinking about love, and one of my favorite books, all about love, by bell hooks. in chapter 8, she talks about forgiveness. she explains that forgiveness is the act of truly understanding and allows the person who was hurt to turn from a victim to a co-creator in their own narrative. in the chapter she explains how she was hurt my people and took time to understand them, and forgave them. she even mentions how she’s encouraged others to do the same.

then my questions arise- well when does one truly know how to forgive? like how do you truly understand where someone is coming from? how do you maintain the space to allow someone to explain themselves? when is enough enough? how do you forgive and not let them back in?

mind you, i’ve done all of these things. it’s just that i feel like forgiveness is tricky. one thing i’ve learned from therapy is trauma rewires your brain. i know i struggle with identifying if the action was done to harm me or not, and it’s very hard for me to convince myself that people aren’t trying to hurt me. since i’ve had people who have, it’s not as easy for me to just say okay well they didn’t mean it.

i would love to get to that point where i don’t have a complete meltdown when something hurts my feelings. or when i don’t sit and cry for hours because i got a bad grade.

it’s hard for me to bounce back. and then when you factor in the concept of ego, and the idea that i don’t want to be hurt and am offended by someone hurting me, it gets even harder.

so what do i do? i meditate and do exercises to promote discernment (i.e. ego eradicator, receiving reiki treatments, healing sessions, yoga and a lot of praying). i ask for guidance and help.

i want to open my heart to forgive like bell hooks says. i want to be able to stand in spaces with those who have offended me and understand that their actions are a reflection of them and that they may actually not be personal. that’s the goal.

keep on trying to forgive. it may be hard but according to chapter 8, forgiveness allows love to exist. and we need love.


the last time i was in atlanta (before i moved), i got my chart read. in astrology, your chart is essentially your life path. it determines the struggles you have, etc that are all based on when you were born. for me it just reiterates that everything in your life is being done in divine timing, down to the minute you were born. the astrologist told me that my life lesson is to learn how to forgive people when they hurt me. and Lord knows i struggle with this. it’s almost like i feel like when people hurt my feelings that it’s because they wanted to. and that since they did it is no longer safe for me to be around them. so i have to leave. and it’s like after something happens i may want to reach out but it’s just so hard to. it’s like i can convince myself every single time that if i do i will be only hurting myself and that this happened so that means i am not loved nor valued in that space. and that i deserve to be loved and valued so i have to end the relationship and just cannot do it anymore.

if i’m being completely honest i think it’s a ptsd response. it’s like i’ve been hurt so bad the idea of even putting myself in any position to possibly be hurt a little sends my body into survival mode and i will do whatever it takes to stop the pain.

i also blame myself whenever i get hurt because i feel like it’s my fault for even being vulnerable enough in the first place to let myself get hurt.

so where do i go from there?

normally i first reflect and then i sit with it. i recently had a conversation where i realized that i struggle so much with admitting things upset me not because i don’t understand the feeling, but rather i am afraid that i will not have the newly presented need (a change) met. i am working towards intentionally explaining my needs and expecting them to be met. it’s just i have to set this new standard that when my needs aren’t met that i leave. that’s the hard part for me- i often don’t want to. but what i’ve learned is it’s necessary because it allows space for what i actually want.

i have to constantly remind myself that it is okay to forgive those who have hurt me because everything happens for a reason. and that painful things teach me things so for that i have to be grateful for the lesson- to let go of the pain and keep the knowledge.

it’s a process but i’m learning.

forgiving yourself

Sometimes you do things that you shouldn’t. And I’ve found that one of the people it’s hardest for me to forgive is myself. Last week, after being super stressed about an exam and some papers, I completely shut down. I slept most of the last weekend and really failed at taking care of me. Since then, I’ve been beating myself up for not doing a good job taking care of me. Even though I’ve been more deliberate about taking care of myself this week, it’s like i’m still not over what I did. What I’ve had to realize is, everything is to help you learn. From this experience, I learned that I need to work harder to manage my stress and to do self checks. Yoga is my favorite thing to do. If I’m not going to yoga, I need to really look and see how I’m feeling. I’m the only one responsible for caring for me. So I have to do it. I have to eat cleaner (I’m working on it but chocolate is my downfall). I have to sleep more. I have to make time for me. So i’m going to go get ready for bed. Just remember to go easy on yourself. You’re growing and things are changing. Deal with them in the healthiest way possible. You got this.

Be giving and forgiving 

Recently the topic of forgiving and releasing has come up a lot for me. So I decided that maybe it’s time for me to talk about it. Forgiveness is a complicated topic, because some believe that certain things cannot be forgiven. Everything can be forgiven. This is because that forgiveness allows you to be free. If you forgive someone for something, you are allowing yourself to be free. If something comes up, you have to understand that even if it’s not going your way that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. There is a path that you might not be aware of. But it’s all going to be okay. đź’›



Sometimes it is important to have people enter and exit your life. You have to be the one to make this important decision. Remember that all paths you can possibly take lead you ultimately to who and where you are to be. Trust in the process. Allow yourself to really feel each emotion and think about what decision may be right for you. Forgive others as well as yourself. Forgiving is very important. It becomes easier to forgive when you realize that you deserve the peace. Everyone deserves forgiveness. Staying angry at the other person is ultimately only hurting yourself. Life is too important to sit around being negative. Instead make the choice to “feed” your positive energy and stay happy. Happiness is the most important decision. Put yourself before others. Forgive, release and move on.