fear – mayah's site

healing “too” fast

cues “too fast” by sonder.

a couple weeks ago, i endured a heart breaking loss, of my best friend. my favorite person. for about a week, i was confused, in shock and slightly in denial. for this week, it’s been mostly about accepting reality and trying to be more present.

so i’ve been doing a lot of intentional healing. more meditations and yoga (mostly kundalini), more space to think. and lately i’ve been having this fear of healing “too fast”.

like that i’ll heal and then she’ll back in and i’ll be over it. that i’ll no longer want to try.

and it’s been really getting to me.

ive been trying to live in this space of duality, where multiple truths exist. and while i acknowledge my feelings, i understand that it comes from a place of fear of change.

and me clinging to the past.

so how do i move past this?

by pushing myself to keep doing the healing. by keeping my faith strong in the fact that i KNOW all will be well.

even though it doesn’t feel well right now.

sometimes I wish I could protest

I wish I could protest

I truly do

I’m passionate about the cause (fight the power)

I’m passionate about changing the world

But I just can’t protest

Because the idea of putting myself in a space where I’m unwanted is too much for me

The idea of being close to police is too much for me

I hate the police

I hate what they do to people who look like me and to those that don’t

I hate what they represent

I hate the fact that I tense up in the driver’s seat when I see a police car pass by me

I hate the fact that they could do whatever they want to me and I can’t stop them

I promised myself I would never put myself in that situation ever again

Where a man could take complete control over me

And I can’t let 13-year-old Mayah down

I promised I would protect her

I promised I would never let it happen again

I promised her

So I just can’t

Even though my heart is invested in the cause

Even though I’ve studied so much the facts jumbled up in my head

Even though everyone expects me to

I just can’t

Can I be honest? White men scare me

Not individually, but conceptually

The power, the ability to do things and get away with it, the privilege, the fact that they could kill me and not a damn thing would happen

So I don’t protest

Cause I need to protect my space

IT’S MY SPACE

Fly

Fear is a natural emotion and an instinct that can keep you safe. One thing you need to recognize though is that in order to grow you have to get out of your comfort zone! Realize that it’s okay to fall down but you never know when you’ll start to fly!

Strength

As you grow older and wiser, it’s natural to start losing friends. This is especially common in high school, due to the developmental changes that one goes through. But this is also an important time for everyone to understand that there is a divine process, along with lessons you need to learn and that it will all be fine in the end. Remember that you are stronger than what you think, and that there is nothing on your path that you cannot handle. Take this time to release the old, embracing the new. Make sure that you’re getting enough sleep, eating enough and balancing yourself. To balance myself, I mediate twice a day, and I started working out more. It’s a healthy way to get rid of stress. In addition, make sure you that you believe in yourself. You can do it.