as a child i was very in touch with my emotions. as i grew older, i wanted to become more detached from them, but they would still always show up. just in ways that weren’t fun- like blowing up over “nothing”. i internalized a lot of emotions because they were big and i didn’t know how to deal with them.
quarantining (which is what i just have decided to continue calling our “new normal” of leaving the house minimally and not coming in close contact with others) has given me a lot of time to slow down and feel all the feels.
and y’all, it is not fun. people talk about being single as this liberating period of time, where you really discover who you are. and while i do believe this is true, it has proven to be quite a challenge to sit with my big emotions and actually sort through them. pinpointing my needs. figuring out ways to meet them. i would say dating myself is one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life, if not the most.
i constantly find myself wondering, “God when will this subside?” Like when do i get to the point where it’s a passive discomfort, not this active pain. and my answer to myself is always something like “girl i don’t know but i sure hope it comes.”
and i guess that’s what hope is right. the faith that something better will come. and that one day, it’ll be a little less difficult. so please remember, it’s okay to feel big emotions.
i’ve learned a lot within these past few months about gratitude.
I was talking to my best friend today about the faith crisis i had a couple of months ago.
i was in this space where i felt like i was constantly having to give up things/relationships that i didn’t want to. and i felt that i had no choice. and honestly, i was really angry with God.
i was angry that i was sad. i was angry that i was in the position i was in. but most of all, i was completely devastated.
i had to make a choice about my faith. if i really truly believed in God. if i really truly believed that He has this plan for me that’s greater than what i can imagine. if i want to lean into that, while still feeling all of the emotions.
and i decided i did. and i am still choosing to believe in God. i am still choosing my faith. i am still choosing growth.
i moved back to atlanta this past weekend and it’s already been a whirlwind of emotions. i’m making a lot of faith based decisions. i’m finishing graduate school. i’m moving to make sure i’m in a better space emotionally. practicing non-attachment. trying to stay present. figuring out what i can do to create happiness. trying to let myself know that these changes don’t always “feel” good. i’m praying for increased discernment. and trying to give myself more space to listen to God.
and y’all it is hard. and i will keep choosing growth.
Life is truly about expecting who and what you are and accepting others for what they are. Often I feel like we share who we are, in efforts to see if others will accept us. In reality, the journey of life is about getting to know yourself, growing and accepting your being. Understand that your presence is essential, or else you would not be here right now in this moment. I was told recently that you are you own biggest supporter, yet you are your biggest doubter. And the biggest battle, is within yourself. This is a life long journey- loving yourself and takes consistent effort. What I’ve decided to start with is the little things. Start by rewarding yourself by taking me time. Do things that bring you joy. I painted yesterday for the first time in a while, and I’m blogging again. You’re worth celebrating, on your good and bad days.
I’m a strong believer in discernment and doing what you feel is right. But what I’ve been learning is that it is necessary not only to trust in God but to pursue the most clearest connection with God, so that all of the advice you receive is in it’s purest and clearest form. So as I continue to pray for discernment, I will continue to pray for the clearest, purest discernment, in all aspects of my life. I’ve gone through a lot of changes recently, which I will share later, but for now just remember that it is important to hear the message, but you must hear it for what it is, and follow it.
Relationships thrive on a few things: trust, love, and communication. Yes, other things are important, such as the emotional connection you share, but none are as important as those three. Also your happiness is first and foremost, but you all know that. If you are not happy in a relationship, it just might not be time for that relationship. If you are truly meant to be with someone, just trust that you will be. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes a break is good. Work on yourself while you’re in a relationship. Any relationship you have is to help you better yourself and them better themselves. You are to have a support system that truly is good for you. This may not come easy for everyone, so be patient. Know that you need to be at the base of your support system. After you support yourself, others will bring positivity, love, fun and support into your life. Trust in the process. Keep in mind that not all relationships are positive, and that sometimes people’s intentions for being “friends” with you are not always genuine. People lie. This is something that is true, so you should try to be with people that are honest, knowing that eventually the truth will be revealed, at the perfect time and the perfect place. It’s all in divine order. Trust in the process knowing that this is the path you are to be on. “It’s only called going through it, because you get passed it, you don’t get stuck there.” Relationships have fights and arguments and are not always simple due to lack of communication, but it will all get better. Everyone will be fine. Remember that it is all okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. Keep your peace. And your peace of mind.