as a child i was very in touch with my emotions. as i grew older, i wanted to become more detached from them, but they would still always show up. just in ways that weren’t fun- like blowing up over “nothing”. i internalized a lot of emotions because they were big and i didn’t know how to deal with them.
quarantining (which is what i just have decided to continue calling our “new normal” of leaving the house minimally and not coming in close contact with others) has given me a lot of time to slow down and feel all the feels.
and y’all, it is not fun. people talk about being single as this liberating period of time, where you really discover who you are. and while i do believe this is true, it has proven to be quite a challenge to sit with my big emotions and actually sort through them. pinpointing my needs. figuring out ways to meet them. i would say dating myself is one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life, if not the most.
i constantly find myself wondering, “God when will this subside?” Like when do i get to the point where it’s a passive discomfort, not this active pain. and my answer to myself is always something like “girl i don’t know but i sure hope it comes.”
and i guess that’s what hope is right. the faith that something better will come. and that one day, it’ll be a little less difficult. so please remember, it’s okay to feel big emotions.
i’m really so proud of the progress everyone i know is making. we’re defining boundaries, clearing up expectations and being our authentic, emotional selves. and for this, we just give thanks. while it might be difficult and you may feel you’re being overly sensitive or emotional, just know that it’s you growing. your emotions are indicators; take them as tools and use them to help you develop. you’re becoming the best version of you. challenge yourself. i promise it’ll be worth all the hard work.
lately i’ve been working on defining my boundaries. my only true job is to take care of me. so i’ve been working on starting to do that more. and while it’s a lot of work, i’ve already been reaping the benefits.
let this post serve as a little motivation, to keep moving forward, and to remind you that are you are seen, heard and love.
i’ve been spending time listening instead of just responding. learning to feel my emotions while critically analyzing them. but not to judge them, but to figure out why they’re happening and how to make myself feel better. growing has involved a lot of questioning but also compassion. i no longer feel a need to be upset with myself after being upset, but thank myself for getting it out and realizing how to manage things better. i’ve been reading about love and how you learn to love yourself by loving others. so i’ve looked at how patient i am with others and decided i deserve that same patience. i always take into consideration that others learning and growing, so that’s how i should view myself that way. how do i deserve to treat myself?
i was heartbroken and ended up closing off my heart. i couldn’t deal with the pain, so i distanced myself. but i am working to use love as a force to heal. to love myself unconditionally. and to use love as a force to change my lives and those of others.
my journey has not been about me loving others, but about me learning to love myself and teaching others how to love me and themselves. i have been assigned to this mountain to show others it can be moved.
and i’m here to say thank you to my mountain for challenging me and thank you to God for keeping me.
and to my current mountain, may you bring me more peace and love. teach me everything i need. please be gentle with me, because I’m healing but I’m ready for what you have in store.
and to my next mountain, I’m prepping for you. I’ll be ready for all your blessings.
Anyone who knows me personally would read this title and go “why is Mayah talking about working out?” Someone would mention my stature and point out obvious things like my weight. Considering that I’m 5’3 and 130 pounds (this is updated, I weighed myself today), no one ever sees the “need” for me to workout. I have a nice shape (if I do say so myself), so it doesn’t “seem” necessary. Hopefully by now you understand that I’m starting to workout more, around 30-40 minutes. My goal is everyday. So if I’m my size why am I even bothering to work out? It really came to me today why I view it as such a big deal. This year I’ve been through a lot emotionally. I view it all as positive and lessons that I’ve learned from. I’m at a much better state than I was four weeks ago. I’m a lot happier now. Like it is always said, everything happens for a reason. So basically I realized that I’m so pressed on working out because of the emotional changes I’ve gone through, and I want the changes to be present on the outside to. My goal is to get stronger actually, and add muscle (so in essence I’m trying to gain healthy weight, since muscle weighs more than fat). I’m starting to take better care of my body and love it more (you have to love your body, it’s the only one you get). I’m going to change my life for the better, and that’s why I’m starting to workout (plus it helps with stress). Slowly but surely everything is falling into place, at the perfect time. Stay healthy!