emotional – Page 2 – mayah's site

2020

i’m laying down, its 6 am and i’m in my apartment in atlanta. that’s crazy for me to even say. i moved. across the country. my biggest accomplishment of the decade was graduating early with a 3.6. my biggest change was moving to go to graduate school. these things happened within the same month. within a month, my whole world has literally changed. while my heart aches, for fear of the new, it also smiles. this is my chance to start over. to be me from the beginning. i’m nervous while excited. sad but happy. the complexity of these emotions is interesting. it’s all new. all of it. so i am writing to tell God and my angels thank you for your support in 2019 and all the years prior. i devote this year to serving You and fulfilling my purpose.

boundaries

i’m up, but i should be sleep. i’ve been trying to calm my mind, through meditation and clearing old things. life has been a little hectic and i’ve been feeling overwhelmed. but i was lead to think about my boundaries and realize i only have to do what i am comfortable with. my actions will reflect my greatest and highest good and to trust my gut instinct no matter the consequences. earlier when i was feeling overwhelmed i was worried i was inconveniencing others, when in reality i need to analyze what was inconveniencing me. so i addressed the situation and said no. you see that’s been an issue for me for a while to say no because i get worried sometimes about how things will play out. but i have realized the show will still start without me. i have to do what’s best for me.

and by setting boundaries it is my hope that i will get to do all i have hoped for and more. but again- when you’re doing for others you get to make the rules. when you volunteer you get to say actually no i can’t. or that you need a minute.

take time to take care of you and your needs. you are the most important person in your world for without you all relationships you hold would stop existing.

where i am

it’s been too long. within this time i’ve been healing, learning to love myself and others and working everyday to create a peaceful life for me. i’ve permanently ended a relationship i thought would last lifetimes and created new ones that i am confident will serve me as long as i need.

so i want to share three gems, i’ve learned while being in Cuba and being home.

trust your body- this is important because it is your guide. take the time you need to care for yourself. while in cuba i struggled a lot with food and i’ve learned that your body will tell you what you need and use what you have to survive. your body has your best interest in heart. take care of it. that means sleeping well, eating well, and doing physical and mental activity that heals you. when you take care of yourself you feel so much better. but this requires effort and planning and adaptability. it’s an ongoing process in which you have to have a lot of patience- some days may be hard but the journey is so worth it.
reflection instead of critiquing- sometimes you’ll look and you may have wanted to do differently. but it is important to make sure that you are reflection to heal not to hurt. sometimes i have a habit of getting “down” on myself and acting like i am this horrible person when i make a mistake. but that is not the goal of reflection. the goal is to say this is where i am and this is what i want- how can i get there? kind words and thoughts towards yourself can go a long way.
it’s okay to need help- i have resented asking for help for a while now. it’s because the intentions of others may not be pure enough for my liking. but surround yourself with those whose intentions are pure. who actually want you to succeed. and in those spaces you can ask for help. allow yourself to be vulnerable, but only after you feel comfortable. again, allow your body and spirit to guide you. you know what feels right.

i’ll write more about cuba and what i learned later, but for now, just know living there changed my life.

butterflies

To whom it may concern,

I am a butterfly

I have wings that spread far, places to travel and tons of things to do

My spirit is too large and loving to be contained in one spot

I’m untraditional in every sense of the word and ask two things of you

first, please look without touching. beauty is meant to be admired, not contained

second, give me my space. everyone knows that wings need space to fly

please remember, that through it all i love you. and if you love me, remember this. “if you love someone let them go, and if they come back to you, they’re yours to keep. and if they don’t they were never yours to begin with.”

first day

yesterday I officially moved in college. though this was something that I have been looking forward to since I was young, it was crazy that it actually happened. I basically packed up my whole life, taking four different suitcases (two of them very large), around ten boxes, a duffel bag, along with other bags, under bed storage, a tv and a drier I can sit under. Needless to say it took my family (my aunt, my mom, my sister and I) about four hours to unpack everything. My dad ended up coming to my dorm later in the day and he helped to set up too. So this was definitely a family affair. I am extremely excited to start my new life here at University of Michigan. I think that I will have a lot of fun and make new friends, while learning a lot about myself and different things that are important to me. I already have homework even though I don’t start classes until the sixth. Yesterday they had a lot of activities to do, but I just stayed with my family. I wanted to enjoy the day with them and I did. My mom, aunt and sister leaving was really emotional. I was sad, mostly because the life I am used to living has changed. Throughout my life there have been a lot of changes, but my family has always been there for me. Especially my mother, who has literally been there for me, even before I was born (literally for an extra nine months she’d had my back). I’ve never lived without my mother before. So though everyone leaving my dorm was emotional, I think her leaving had to be the hardest. I’m very thankful though. That I have such a supportive family, one who got up at 6:45 am and worked literally all day to make my room look great. And I’m thankful that I’m getting along great with my roommate (plus her family is really nice). Today marks the beginning (the official beginning since yesterday I didn’t do anything but unpack) of my college journey. I woke up at about 7:30, which is fairly normal (I get up around 8), and now I think I’m going to get ready to start my day.

(move in day selfie (from left to right- my auntie, my mom, me and my sister is in the front)