tres meses

today marks three months, of “quarantine”. on march 12th, i was told i no longer needed to report at the site i was student teaching at, that classes would go online, and everything suddenly, quickly, swiftly changed.

i opted to stay in georgia instead of going home. honestly, i didn’t have much of an option. there was no way that i could have made a 10, almost 11 hour drive alone. the plan was, always, for me to fly home.

we briefly thought about me driving half way, meeting my mom, aunt and sister, and them driving me the rest of the way. but then it became well how would i get back to georgia? what if stuff was closed along the highway- like gas stations? there seemed to be no clear way for me to go home. so i stayed.

i made goals for myself. i thought about what i wanted to be like when i came out on the other side. i wanted to be more grateful. improve my confidence. get into yoga and meditation even deeper. strengthen my already steadfast faith in God. eat better. be happier. and then like outward appearance things like longer hair (which is going QUITE well if i do say so myself).

i’ve learned a lot being in this space.

  • the quality of relationships outweighs the quantity. every time
    • i’ve gotten to think about who i REALLY want to talk to. and how often i really want to talk
      • i made a list and divided in into three parts: non-negotiables (have to have), preferences (really wanted), wants (i would like, but i could go without). it was two sections- work and personal. i tried to remain true to my desires- and focused on what i truly wanted instead of what was “reasonable”. i made decisions on the relationships i had based on these.
  • the desire for human contact is innate
    • we all just want to be loved. love transcends hugs though. it’s a complex feeling of security, based on action. more on love here
      • i’ve also learned that i’m really a hugger.
  • breaks for technology are important
    • breaks allow you to recharge and recenter. it’s important.
  • all of your emotional issues get stored in your body until you release them
  • you manifest the reality of your life
    • your thoughts matter. i’ve learned ways to be gentler to myself, reminding myself that i’m still growing and it’s okay to be growing.
  • self-control is a skill
    • and a very important one. i think of the long term goal and what want, and try to make decisions off that.
      • i take note of my avoidance and ponder on why i’m avoiding it. i try to think critically of my actions, with compassion, to see how i can help myself.
another mhn gem

forgiveness

the last time i was in atlanta (before i moved), i got my chart read. in astrology, your chart is essentially your life path. it determines the struggles you have, etc that are all based on when you were born. for me it just reiterates that everything in your life is being done in divine timing, down to the minute you were born. the astrologist told me that my life lesson is to learn how to forgive people when they hurt me. and Lord knows i struggle with this. it’s almost like i feel like when people hurt my feelings that it’s because they wanted to. and that since they did it is no longer safe for me to be around them. so i have to leave. and it’s like after something happens i may want to reach out but it’s just so hard to. it’s like i can convince myself every single time that if i do i will be only hurting myself and that this happened so that means i am not loved nor valued in that space. and that i deserve to be loved and valued so i have to end the relationship and just cannot do it anymore.

if i’m being completely honest i think it’s a ptsd response. it’s like i’ve been hurt so bad the idea of even putting myself in any position to possibly be hurt a little sends my body into survival mode and i will do whatever it takes to stop the pain.

i also blame myself whenever i get hurt because i feel like it’s my fault for even being vulnerable enough in the first place to let myself get hurt.

so where do i go from there?

normally i first reflect and then i sit with it. i recently had a conversation where i realized that i struggle so much with admitting things upset me not because i don’t understand the feeling, but rather i am afraid that i will not have the newly presented need (a change) met. i am working towards intentionally explaining my needs and expecting them to be met. it’s just i have to set this new standard that when my needs aren’t met that i leave. that’s the hard part for me- i often don’t want to. but what i’ve learned is it’s necessary because it allows space for what i actually want.

i have to constantly remind myself that it is okay to forgive those who have hurt me because everything happens for a reason. and that painful things teach me things so for that i have to be grateful for the lesson- to let go of the pain and keep the knowledge.

it’s a process but i’m learning.