college – mayah's site

language to express needs

for a long time, i felt very unsatisfied with my friendships. it was like i had these wants/needs within relationships that never felt like they were getting met.

like it would either be like a semi-surface level friendship or we were like tied at the hip.

my tied at the hip friendship stage pretty much sums up my undergraduate experience. the relationships reaked of codependency. i think it’s because they were formed during such a transition period where we had all just left our parents home and were scared. anyways, there was drama and dramatic endings that turned into things just fading away. i’ve grieved those relationships and occasionally a wave of grief hits me. and when it does i cope with it as best as i can.

when i ended two of those friendships, i told them both that i just didn’t feel like i was getting what i wanted out of the friendships. and one of them asked me what did i want and my response was that i didn’t know but i knew that this wasn’t it. it was a harsh truth. and in my mind, since i knew that wasn’t what i was looking for, i would make space for the friends that i wanted by ending those relationships. my logic was well how could i have space for the relationships i really want if i’m investing time and effort into these spaces.

and i knew what i wanted because i had seen it with other people. i had seen other friendships where the bond just was deeper. yesterday, i was listening to the Black girls heal podcast about intimacy. and one of the things she said it that sometimes we can fake intimacy. and i think that is what was going on. on the surface, the relationships were close. we hung out all the time, had deep conversations, knew each others likes and dislikes, but there was something missing for me.

when i moved to atlanta i was determined to make friends. i just knew that i would right? lol i’m Black and gay and moved to the Black and gay capital of the US. it was just bound to happen. and then the world shut down and even when it opened up i didn’t leave the house. shoot i still don’t have in person contact with people.

but this is not the point of this, the point of this is that i finally figured out what was missing.

she talked about interdependence. that sense of if you need someone you can call on them. and that in those relationships you don’t feel “bad” for calling. or like you’re a burden. there is a sense of security that comes with the intimacy. almost like you know that they want to talk to you.

and i think for so long i equated that with duration of hanging out, vulnerability, and deep conversations and i think it is all of those things, but i think there is just one more missing piece.

i titled this post language to express needs because for so long i’ve been trying to figure out what was missing. why i could be around a bunch of people and still feel lonely. and it’s because it wasn’t intimate. and maybe on levels intimacy was budding, but it wasn’t in bloom.

i’m happy to know.

whew, i feel much better

i’ve spent most of my time lately, at home. while i’m still in school, i’ve had so much more time for yoga and meditation, and healing. i’m astonished at how much i’ve grown, in just two months. honestly i feel like a new person.

one of the biggest things for me is looking at my life from a different perspective. from the perspective that everything is happening for a reason, which is to help me grow closer to God. it gives me comfort. i know that my experiences are teaching me things. “All you are is God and you cannot hurt me, thank you for being my teacher.” ive started thinking of my emotions as indicators of a problem and to be joyous when i find things to release. much of this is credited to my mom and Louise Hay (her book you can heal your life is AMAZING- 10/10 recommendation)

lately, i’ve been working through old emotions. sadness about things that i thought i had completely healed from. i’ve learned that old things come up so you can let them go. and to be grateful during this process of letting go.

i’ve also learned that forgiveness is based on being willing to forgive. and i’ve learned that you can forgive and choose to not continue the relationship. in my mother’s words, “you (the person being forgiven) took it too far.” sometimes it’s too far to rekindle a relationship. and all that means is you learned what you needed from them.

i’m also working on staying present more. i have a very active imagination and have my whole life. i daydream constantly. while i enjoy these qualities and know that they make me, me, i want to spend more time being engaged in the real world. to do this, i’ll keep doing yoga and probably start journaling more. i bought a passion planner which also has goal settings and prompts and stuff so i will use that as well.

as my chalkboard says “be intentional”. everyday i’m trying to be more of myself. to get to know me. and to be kinder to myself and the world.

maximize opportunities

our world has changed.

so what do we do know?

at first it can seem overwhelming to be at home, have more time to ponder and be unsure of what is going on in the world. here are some tips that i’ve used to create a smooth transition to this new life.

• clean your space- i started staying at home last Thursday and have thus far left the house twice (three times if you include that i got things from the store, brought them home and then went back out to the store). the first thing i did was clean. i disinfected and washed everything. it made me feel better and left my home a lot cleaner. everyday i have time scheduled in to clean so it’s not overwhelming. yesterday i cleaned the kitchen. today i cleaned my closets. tomorrow i’ll organize the kitchen and my desk. a little cleaning each day has made me feel so much better
• create a routine- these last few days i have strictly done no work and just taken time for myself. now that i’m ready to start working, i need a plan. i used the time block method so i have a calendar stating what i will do at what time. i know i thrive on schedules and want to maximize my time.
• do what makes me happy- yoga, eating good food, meditation, doing my hair and interactions with my loved ones make me happy. so i have carved out time for my favorite things within my schedule. a yoga studio i was thinking about doing YTT (yoga teacher training) at is currently offering free classes via YouTube. I did one today, as well as my own personal practice and it felt so good!
• invest in a passion- i’ve decided that i’m going to publish my poetry book i started last year during this time. i also have been wanting to rebrand myself (connecting my blog more to IG and possibly expanding into YouTube). so i’ll be working on content creation!
• healthy habits- “I’m only going to eat 1 cookie today.” and then you actually only eat one cookie. take this time to create healthy habits- working out, drinking at least 64 ounces of water a day, or even doing yoga. these are things people say they want to do, but claim they don’t have time. i get it- i never work out either. but i’ve decided i have no reason to not work out and will be doing so. struggling with your natural hair? take this time to learn it! check out my blog post (https://lovemayah.com/2019/08/29/my-hair-routine/) for my hair care regimen!
• creating firm boundaries- mostly with yourself and others. the consumption of fake news is at an all time high. choosing to not engage may be for the best. other boundaries can be harder but more worthwhile- choosing to eat 1 cookie instead of 3 is a good example.
• get some sleep- last but not least! get some sleep! taking care of your body is so so important! this is a time to rest and recharge! take advantage of it!

2020

i’m laying down, its 6 am and i’m in my apartment in atlanta. that’s crazy for me to even say. i moved. across the country. my biggest accomplishment of the decade was graduating early with a 3.6. my biggest change was moving to go to graduate school. these things happened within the same month. within a month, my whole world has literally changed. while my heart aches, for fear of the new, it also smiles. this is my chance to start over. to be me from the beginning. i’m nervous while excited. sad but happy. the complexity of these emotions is interesting. it’s all new. all of it. so i am writing to tell God and my angels thank you for your support in 2019 and all the years prior. i devote this year to serving You and fulfilling my purpose.

new space

I wrote the following to publish in October but never published it-

in this new space, i’ve been preparing for the future and all the good it’s going to bring me. i’ve been working on taking care of myself, doing my homework, and dedicating my limited time to things that make me happy. the last two weeks i’ve been super busy and after Monday, my life is going to slow down and I’m excited. i want to enjoy this new space. in this new space, i’m alone most of the time. i pretty much get up, get ready for work, work, go to class, do homework and then go home. i’ve had days where i haven’t talked to one person. it’s almost like isolation. i was talking to my cousin, cause she worked her way through school and she was basically like you have to make time to take care of yourself and hang out with people. i knew i would have to do to this, but it’s harder than i expected. like i studied (not alone) and was talking and laughing and i after was like mayah you were not nearly as productive as you are alone. it’s easy to be alone. i don’t disappoint myself. I’ve been working on being ore compassionate, so when I make mistakes, I know that I’m trying my best forreal. it’s so different for me to be alone. i used to never fr be alone, or if i was it was for a very short period of time and i would find someone to hang out with. and when i had roommate(s), i saw someone everyday. it’s different but i’m getting used to it. and i will say i love my new space.

so what are my goals? so i did a visualization activity with my chapter and it had to be personal. and what i really want is to make a best friend. like a really good friend. to do more yoga. to increase my therapeutic resources and tactics to reduce my anxiety. to be happier and figure out more of what makes me happy.

i keep the activity i did with my chapter in my planner. it shows exactly what i wanted at that time. it’s just a reminder that as i grow, i want to reflect on what i have gained. therapy was a great resource for me. it was a physical step of me saying i needed help. but i also used light therapy as well. light therapy is essentially energy work, like reiki or (energy) healing sessions. these have helped me a lot! this, along with meditations and yoga have helped me embrace my alone time. as i prepare to move, i know that i will be my own best friend, understanding that my alone time is crucial for my development. i look back and reflect on how bad i wanted to learn to love myself, but how i truly didn’t know how. for me it took self- discipline.

i write notes to myself to remind myself of what is important. one of the notes i have in my planner is “you’re doing the best you can and you did the best you could at that time and you will grow to do better. be patient, you’re growing.” when i saw this while flipping through my planner last week i thought “aww mayah that’s so nice you’re so nice to yourself”. and honestly, that’s the energy i’m going to keep- i deserve to be nice to myself. i deserve to be loved. by others but first and foremost, by mayah.

if you so feel compelled, check out the hyperlinks. the reiki one is to my mom’s site and the healing one is to eve’s site. they’re both amazing and have helped me tremendously throughout my journey. and while i’m here shouting out people, shoutout to monique (just cause she’s great and very helpful). love you all.