brave – mayah's site

maximize opportunities

our world has changed.

so what do we do know?

at first it can seem overwhelming to be at home, have more time to ponder and be unsure of what is going on in the world. here are some tips that i’ve used to create a smooth transition to this new life.

• clean your space- i started staying at home last Thursday and have thus far left the house twice (three times if you include that i got things from the store, brought them home and then went back out to the store). the first thing i did was clean. i disinfected and washed everything. it made me feel better and left my home a lot cleaner. everyday i have time scheduled in to clean so it’s not overwhelming. yesterday i cleaned the kitchen. today i cleaned my closets. tomorrow i’ll organize the kitchen and my desk. a little cleaning each day has made me feel so much better
• create a routine- these last few days i have strictly done no work and just taken time for myself. now that i’m ready to start working, i need a plan. i used the time block method so i have a calendar stating what i will do at what time. i know i thrive on schedules and want to maximize my time.
• do what makes me happy- yoga, eating good food, meditation, doing my hair and interactions with my loved ones make me happy. so i have carved out time for my favorite things within my schedule. a yoga studio i was thinking about doing YTT (yoga teacher training) at is currently offering free classes via YouTube. I did one today, as well as my own personal practice and it felt so good!
• invest in a passion- i’ve decided that i’m going to publish my poetry book i started last year during this time. i also have been wanting to rebrand myself (connecting my blog more to IG and possibly expanding into YouTube). so i’ll be working on content creation!
• healthy habits- “I’m only going to eat 1 cookie today.” and then you actually only eat one cookie. take this time to create healthy habits- working out, drinking at least 64 ounces of water a day, or even doing yoga. these are things people say they want to do, but claim they don’t have time. i get it- i never work out either. but i’ve decided i have no reason to not work out and will be doing so. struggling with your natural hair? take this time to learn it! check out my blog post (https://lovemayah.com/2019/08/29/my-hair-routine/) for my hair care regimen!
• creating firm boundaries- mostly with yourself and others. the consumption of fake news is at an all time high. choosing to not engage may be for the best. other boundaries can be harder but more worthwhile- choosing to eat 1 cookie instead of 3 is a good example.
• get some sleep- last but not least! get some sleep! taking care of your body is so so important! this is a time to rest and recharge! take advantage of it!

graduating

these last few months have been filled with unexpected blessings. and honestly, i finally feel like i’m reaping what i have sown. I graduate in 6 days. I move to go to graduate school in 20. I start my grad program in less than a month. i’ve learned to manage my anxiety. i bought a car. i’m moving to be on my own. i brought my girlfriend over for thanksgiving to meet my family. my best friend since i was 9 became an aka and i got to be there. i stood up to protect spaces for black students within UM. i will be graduating with honors. and i will be going to grad school for free (this is yet to be confirmed, i’m just putting it out there (see blog post on law of attraction). and i went to yoga five times this past week. i gained the weight back i lost and am on a currently dairy free and low sugar diet (diet meaning lifestyle in this context). i am battling my stomach issues with love and am confident i will find a regimen where i will be pain free (again, law of attraction).

so as i reflect on this year and how hard it was for me, i have realized one major thing. i learned how to be alone.

i learned how to love myself, each and every bit. i learned to laugh at my mistakes and forgive myself for them. and while it might sound quaint, it wasn’t easy. if you would’ve talked to me in the first few months of 2019, i would’ve told you it was the worst time of my life. and it was. 21 has been the hardest year of my life, but yet one of the sweetest because i put in so much love into myself. i stopped pouring into others. that’s not my job nor has it ever been. it is my job to pour into myself and teach others how to pour into themselves. this was hard because i had to learn how to take care of myself. you see, i had unhealthy patterns, which were formed as a response to some trauma if i’m being honest. i was codependent on those close to me. i ended up being in this sort of isolation, where i had to learn myself. it literally was like my world was falling apart. and granted- it was. but i can sit here and talk about it because i learned from it. and i’m happy it did; for now i have this life i love.

i had to create a strict regimen to take care of myself. meditation twice a day, three meals a day, nine hours of sleep, a gallon of water a day, hair washed weekly, no sex, no alcohol, no drugs, and yoga three times a week. i would force myself to get up. it was hard. and i forced myself because i knew that it was my job to take care of me, so i had to really learn how to do it. last semester, i spent a lot of time alone. for the first time ever really. i had time to think and decide what i wanted. and by the end of the semester i forreal still didn’t know. over the summer i did a similar regimen and same for this semester. it’s kept me on track. i enrolled in group therapy as well as individual, to learn how to manage my anxiety. i created healthy boundaries with those close to me, so i could have maintain my space while being with others. i had to learn to let myself be loved; that was very scary, because i had gotten so used to being alone.

i’m learning right now how to forgive people. i’ve created an action plan which involves stepping away from the situation, reevaluating it, talking it out (not to necessarily follow others advise, but to hear it aloud for myself) and writing/painting. i’ve turned to art as a healing force as well as yoga and meditation.

but most of all, i make an effort to think about what i truly want. and how i can get that. and now it’s like i’m at this point where i have to be willing to take the leap. i’m moving across the country. like packing up my life and moving. and while i’m super excited cause the grad program was my #1 choice, i’m starting over. and i pray this new life is all i wanted and more.

i know it will be because for once i’m getting to know mayah and figuring out what she likes. who she is, how she identifies, what makes her happy, what makes her sad. it’s like i can truly feel again. it’s like i’ve became the person i always wanted to be. and the crazy part is, i’m elevating and will only go higher.

friendships

i was reading last night about how friendships are necessary because they help you learn how to love- how young children use familial and platonic relationships to create expectations of love.

then i got to pondering about my friendships, or rather my lack there of. throughout my life, i’ve cycled through friendships. it got to a point where i was almost having a new “bestie” per year. and i’ve got to thinking about why.

at this point i feel that most people i know have a really close friend, who they spend a lot of time with and care about. so it has allowed me to understand how they want to be loved/cared for. so when i see them interacting with others, i see expressions of love.

but when i reflect, i don’t see reflections of love. and it’s not that i have the same expectations for how they act in other relationships, it’s that i see that there is minimal effort put into loving and caring about me.

so my current dilemma is how to handle it. is it that i express how i want to be loved? or is it that i accept the persons actions and allow them to be themselves? in the latter that involves me making other decisions for the friendship, such as distancing myself for healing purposes.

but it leaves me in this cycle where i feel like i am getting to know people, seeing how they act, sitting back and realizing im not their to pick as a friend, but they’re mine. it’s longing for a friend that loves me and actually wants to hang out with me.

i am trying to be optimistic and prayerful for a friend. hopefully on this mountain i get one.

where i am

it’s been too long. within this time i’ve been healing, learning to love myself and others and working everyday to create a peaceful life for me. i’ve permanently ended a relationship i thought would last lifetimes and created new ones that i am confident will serve me as long as i need.

so i want to share three gems, i’ve learned while being in Cuba and being home.

trust your body- this is important because it is your guide. take the time you need to care for yourself. while in cuba i struggled a lot with food and i’ve learned that your body will tell you what you need and use what you have to survive. your body has your best interest in heart. take care of it. that means sleeping well, eating well, and doing physical and mental activity that heals you. when you take care of yourself you feel so much better. but this requires effort and planning and adaptability. it’s an ongoing process in which you have to have a lot of patience- some days may be hard but the journey is so worth it.
reflection instead of critiquing- sometimes you’ll look and you may have wanted to do differently. but it is important to make sure that you are reflection to heal not to hurt. sometimes i have a habit of getting “down” on myself and acting like i am this horrible person when i make a mistake. but that is not the goal of reflection. the goal is to say this is where i am and this is what i want- how can i get there? kind words and thoughts towards yourself can go a long way.
it’s okay to need help- i have resented asking for help for a while now. it’s because the intentions of others may not be pure enough for my liking. but surround yourself with those whose intentions are pure. who actually want you to succeed. and in those spaces you can ask for help. allow yourself to be vulnerable, but only after you feel comfortable. again, allow your body and spirit to guide you. you know what feels right.

i’ll write more about cuba and what i learned later, but for now, just know living there changed my life.

butterflies

To whom it may concern,

I am a butterfly

I have wings that spread far, places to travel and tons of things to do

My spirit is too large and loving to be contained in one spot

I’m untraditional in every sense of the word and ask two things of you

first, please look without touching. beauty is meant to be admired, not contained

second, give me my space. everyone knows that wings need space to fly

please remember, that through it all i love you. and if you love me, remember this. “if you love someone let them go, and if they come back to you, they’re yours to keep. and if they don’t they were never yours to begin with.”