graduating

these last few months have been filled with unexpected blessings. and honestly, i finally feel like i’m reaping what i have sown. I graduate in 6 days. I move to go to graduate school in 20. I start my grad program in less than a month. i’ve learned to manage my anxiety. i bought a car. i’m moving to be on my own. i brought my girlfriend over for thanksgiving to meet my family. my best friend since i was 9 became an aka and i got to be there. i stood up to protect spaces for black students within UM. i will be graduating with honors. and i will be going to grad school for free (this is yet to be confirmed, i’m just putting it out there (see blog post on law of attraction). and i went to yoga five times this past week. i gained the weight back i lost and am on a currently dairy free and low sugar diet (diet meaning lifestyle in this context). i am battling my stomach issues with love and am confident i will find a regimen where i will be pain free (again, law of attraction).

so as i reflect on this year and how hard it was for me, i have realized one major thing. i learned how to be alone. 

i learned how to love myself, each and every bit. i learned to laugh at my mistakes and forgive myself for them. and while it might sound quaint, it wasn’t easy. if you would’ve talked to me in the first few months of 2019, i would’ve told you it was the worst time of my life. and it was. 21 has been the hardest year of my life, but yet one of the sweetest because i put in so much love into myself. i stopped pouring into others. that’s not my job nor has it ever been. it is my job to pour into myself and teach others how to pour into themselves. this was hard  because i had to learn how to take care of myself. you see, i had unhealthy patterns, which were formed as a response to some trauma if i’m being honest. i was codependent on those close to me. i ended up being in this sort of isolation, where i had to learn myself. it literally was like my world was falling apart. and granted- it was. but i can sit here and talk about it because i learned from it. and i’m happy it did; for now i have this life i love.

i had to create a strict regimen to take care of myself. meditation twice a day, three meals a day, nine hours of sleep, a gallon of water a day, hair washed weekly, no sex, no alcohol, no drugs, and yoga three times a week. i would force myself to get up. it was hard. and i forced myself because i knew that it was my job to take care of me, so i had to really learn how to do it. last semester, i spent a lot of time alone. for the first time ever really. i had time to think and decide what i wanted. and by the end of the semester i forreal still didn’t know. over the summer i did a similar regimen and same for this semester. it’s kept me on track. i enrolled in group therapy as well as individual, to learn how to manage my anxiety. i created healthy boundaries with those close to me, so i could have maintain my space while being with others. i had to learn to let myself be loved; that was very scary, because i had gotten so used to being alone.

i’m learning right now how to forgive people. i’ve created an action plan which involves stepping away from the situation, reevaluating it, talking it out (not to necessarily follow others advise, but to hear it aloud for myself) and writing/painting. i’ve turned to art as a healing force as well as yoga and meditation.

but most of all, i make an effort to think about what i truly want. and how i can get that. and now it’s like i’m at this point where i have to be willing to take the leap. i’m moving across the country. like packing up my life and moving. and while i’m super excited cause the grad program was my #1 choice, i’m starting over. and i pray this new life is all i wanted and more.

i know it will be because for once i’m getting to know mayah and figuring out what she likes. who she is, how she identifies, what makes her happy, what makes her sad. it’s like i can truly feel again. it’s like i’ve became the person i always wanted to be. and the crazy part is, i’m elevating and will only go higher.

boundaries

i’m up, but i should be sleep. i’ve been trying to calm my mind, through meditation and clearing old things. life has been a little hectic and i’ve been feeling overwhelmed. but i was lead to think about my boundaries and realize i only have to do what i am comfortable with. my actions will reflect my greatest and highest good and to trust my gut instinct no matter the consequences. earlier when i was feeling overwhelmed i was worried i was inconveniencing others, when in reality i need to analyze what was inconveniencing me. so i addressed the situation and said no. you see that’s been an issue for me for a while to say no because i get worried sometimes about how things will play out. but i have realized the show will still start without me. i have to do what’s best for me.

and by setting boundaries it is my hope that i will get to do all i have hoped for and more. but again- when you’re doing for others you get to make the rules. when you volunteer you get to say actually no i can’t. or that you need a minute.

take time to take care of you and your needs. you are the most important person in your world for without you all relationships you hold would stop existing.

discomfort

its another night that i’m up around 3, with a lot of discomfort. my stomach hurts- i’ve been in pain for weeks. when i went to the doctor i was told to increase my fiber and take daily laxactives. i did the first part- there’s just no way i can take a laxactive everyday. i’ve been drinking soluble fiber- in the form of capsules and juice. it’s getting things rolling, but i’ve been drinking the juice and still had pain. the first day i drank it i was in so much pain we had to leave target cause i literally could not do the whole walking around thing.

it’s times like these, were i want to sleep but can’t, that i wonder what this discomfort is to teach me. it’s gone on so long it must be full of lessons.

  1. you are what you eat- i’ve noticed the cleanier i eat (staying away from sugary snacks and dairy) the less pain i’m in. i’ve cut out dairy completely, after one day i was in so much pain i was lying on my mother crying. i’ve stopped eating late (after 7) for a pretty similar reason.
    be patient- i’ve been waiting and waiting for my test results. but i guess i just have to be patient. it’s often makes me upset why i don’t have them yet, but i guess it’s not time yet.
    trust your gut- literally. i’ve had to rely on feeling. while digestion has become more painful, i’ve had to rely on the facts. my doctor told me to increase my fiber. the first day i did i was in so much pain- i literally was almost crying in target.

i’m still not sure what’s wrong with my stomach, or why i’m up right now, but i’ve been asking. i want to learn from this, so i can grow. so hopefully i can fall back asleep soon and continue getting some rest- last night was the best sleep i’ve had in a minute so hopefully tonight is the same.

a prayer

Dear Lord, I ask as this new season arises for love and healing. To allow the past to release itself, and place me in this present moment. Allow me to be where my feet are. I ask that you heal my heart all of aches and pains, so that I may be able to love unconditionally, first to myself then to others.

Dear Lord, I ask for quality companionship. I ask that I be able to discern the relationships I currently hold and that you reveal the truth to me. So that I may continue to learn. Lord allow me to only hold relationships that are in my greatest and highest good. If I need to alter relationships, please allow me to see so in as gentle of a manner as possible. I ask that as I continue to grow for companionships that satisfy me, where I feel loved, supported and at peace. Remove all drama and pettiness, and replace it with light and love.

Lord, I ask you to hold me close and heal me of all pain. Especially in my stomach. I ask for healthy digestion and for my body to be balanced and whole. I ask that all of what I consume, whether it’s food, words, or interactions be for my greatest and highest good. Purify my food and interactions so that I may grow closer to you.

Lord, open my heart to your love and allow my spirit to be filled with you.

In Jesus name I pray for all of this and whatever you Lord deem in my greatest and highest good, Amen.

where i am

it’s been too long. within this time i’ve been healing, learning to love myself and others and working everyday to create a peaceful life for me. i’ve permanently ended a relationship i thought would last lifetimes and created new ones that i am confident will serve me as long as i need.

so i want to share three gems, i’ve learned while being in Cuba and being home.

  1. trust your body- this is important because it is your guide. take the time you need to care for yourself. while in cuba i struggled a lot with food and i’ve learned that your body will tell you what you need and use what you have to survive. your body has your best interest in heart. take care of it. that means sleeping well, eating well, and doing physical and mental activity that heals you. when you take care of yourself you feel so much better. but this requires effort and planning and adaptability. it’s an ongoing process in which you have to have a lot of patience- some days may be hard but the journey is so worth it.
  2. reflection instead of critiquing- sometimes you’ll look and you may have wanted to do differently. but it is important to make sure that you are reflection to heal not to hurt. sometimes i have a habit of getting “down” on myself and acting like i am this horrible person when i make a mistake. but that is not the goal of reflection. the goal is to say this is where i am and this is what i want- how can i get there? kind words and thoughts towards yourself can go a long way.
  3. it’s okay to need help- i have resented asking for help for a while now. it’s because the intentions of others may not be pure enough for my liking. but surround yourself with those whose intentions are pure. who actually want you to succeed. and in those spaces you can ask for help. allow yourself to be vulnerable, but only after you feel comfortable. again, allow your body and spirit to guide you. you know what feels right.

i’ll write more about cuba and what i learned later, but for now, just know living there changed my life.