black – mayah's site

language to express needs

for a long time, i felt very unsatisfied with my friendships. it was like i had these wants/needs within relationships that never felt like they were getting met.

like it would either be like a semi-surface level friendship or we were like tied at the hip.

my tied at the hip friendship stage pretty much sums up my undergraduate experience. the relationships reaked of codependency. i think it’s because they were formed during such a transition period where we had all just left our parents home and were scared. anyways, there was drama and dramatic endings that turned into things just fading away. i’ve grieved those relationships and occasionally a wave of grief hits me. and when it does i cope with it as best as i can.

when i ended two of those friendships, i told them both that i just didn’t feel like i was getting what i wanted out of the friendships. and one of them asked me what did i want and my response was that i didn’t know but i knew that this wasn’t it. it was a harsh truth. and in my mind, since i knew that wasn’t what i was looking for, i would make space for the friends that i wanted by ending those relationships. my logic was well how could i have space for the relationships i really want if i’m investing time and effort into these spaces.

and i knew what i wanted because i had seen it with other people. i had seen other friendships where the bond just was deeper. yesterday, i was listening to the Black girls heal podcast about intimacy. and one of the things she said it that sometimes we can fake intimacy. and i think that is what was going on. on the surface, the relationships were close. we hung out all the time, had deep conversations, knew each others likes and dislikes, but there was something missing for me.

when i moved to atlanta i was determined to make friends. i just knew that i would right? lol i’m Black and gay and moved to the Black and gay capital of the US. it was just bound to happen. and then the world shut down and even when it opened up i didn’t leave the house. shoot i still don’t have in person contact with people.

but this is not the point of this, the point of this is that i finally figured out what was missing.

she talked about interdependence. that sense of if you need someone you can call on them. and that in those relationships you don’t feel “bad” for calling. or like you’re a burden. there is a sense of security that comes with the intimacy. almost like you know that they want to talk to you.

and i think for so long i equated that with duration of hanging out, vulnerability, and deep conversations and i think it is all of those things, but i think there is just one more missing piece.

i titled this post language to express needs because for so long i’ve been trying to figure out what was missing. why i could be around a bunch of people and still feel lonely. and it’s because it wasn’t intimate. and maybe on levels intimacy was budding, but it wasn’t in bloom.

i’m happy to know.

what is love? it’s an action and a tool for healing and social justice

if you would have asked me five years ago, i would have probably told you love is a feeling. you know love is there because you can feel it.

if you asked me today, i would have a much longer, complex response. hence, this post.

i want to start off with how i feel about love. i love love. i am learning how to love myself, how to love others and (most importantly) how to allow myself to receive love. to be honest, i had to make a choice- either to let the hardships i’ve encountered make me more or less open to love. with daily effort and intention, i am opening myself to receiving unconditional love from others. it’s a process.

okay so what is love?

bell hooks, in her novel All About Love, which you can find a free pdf of here (under resources), gives a defintion of love that when i read it, it literally changed my world.

so at this point, i was like alright, bet. love is an action. i have to do actionable things to love myself and others.

i started paying more attention to actions. (i eventually am now at the point, where i pay attention to how people’s actions make me feel and value that feeling as an indicator of what i should do next (most times LOL, it’s a process)).

i’m studying right now to be a yoga teacher, and as part of the training (as many courses do) we have spent a lot of time on yogic philosophy, much of which is rooted in eastern cultures (including religion). so we reviewed the 4 Aspects of True Love, which is given to us from Buddhism. (these are my summaries from my notes below)

maitri kindness: through being present and paying attention, learning how to love someone and doing it
karuna compassion: understanding the suffering of others and actively finding ways to alleviate their burdens (and actually alleviating them)
mudita joy: love is only love if it includes joy and brings happiness. with joy, love grows stronger.
upeksha freedom: includes external freedom, to have time/space, and internal freedom, space to be yoruself. practices must be implemented to create the sensation of freedom.

first, you must learn to love yourself like this. then others.

true love (which mind you, including familial and platonic relationships, as well as partnerships) requires action. it requires doing it right.

reading this, changed everything again. it was like i finally had a blueprint. i could combine the idea that love is an action and figure out in which ways i could be actionable.

this also made me think a lot about love languages. if you’re not familiar, gary chapman came up with this quiz, to see which of the five love languages you prefer: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, or acts of service. i read recently online, that the best thing to do with these love languages, is to figure out WHEN and HOW to meet all of them. i may have scored highest for gifts (which i LOVE, to me they’re a representation of thought and action), but there are times when i need actions that fall under acts of service. learning how to support others in the way that they want to be supported, falls under karuna.

if i had to give you a short answer, love is a commitment to supportings oneself (first and foremost) and others. it takes time to learn how to love yourself. how i loved myself before quarantine looked a LOT different than during quarantine. i’m sure that as i grow older, it will change. my commitment to myself will stay the safe. checkins with myself will help me learn how to love myself the most.

as far as loving others, that changes as well. depending on where they are in life. i feel that checkins and honest discussions with your loved ones (may they be a family member, partner, friend, etc) about ways that you can be supportive are helping.

so what does this have to do with social justice? hate, which is the opposite of love, is hurtful. therefore the person that has received hate, has to heal. through loving yourself, you can find healing for you.

“love heals no matter what has happened in our past, when we open our hearts to love again, live as if born again, not forgetting the past but seeing in a new way, we go forward with the fresh insight- that the past can no longer hurt us. mindful remembering let’s us put the broken bits and pieces of our hearts together again that is the way healing begins.”- bell hooks

bell hooks, in her novel, talks a lot about creating a beloved community, where everyone is being loved by one another and giving love. this space is successful. this place, in my opinion, is the goal of social justice work. to create a space where everyones needs are met (also known as equity).

i’ll let you with one last quote, from bell hooks-

the moment we choose to love we begin to move against oppression, domination. the moment we choose to love, we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others.
bell hooks, in love as the practice of freedom.

love as the practice of freedom

how to invest, pt. 2

investing is a lifestyle. investing takes time, intention and money.

in my last blog post about investing, i talked about ways that we can invest within our professions. this means that you are dismantling systemic oppressive systems at your job. many people subscribe to the thought that the only way to change the system, is to be the system. and while i believe that, being passive within an oppressive system helps no one. you must enter the system and actively work to be anti-racist. actively work to engage in change. actively work to seek out others who are about the movement.

but it’s also with our dollars. we need to be supporting black owned businesses, which is a way to support black people as individually and collectively. start asking yourself- who owns this? from what i’ve seen, most things are run by white men. where is your money going? are the passionate about the movement? what are they doing to be anti-racist? your dollar has value. use it to your advantages.

here are some resources about how to support:

support black businesses

sweet savage index

yoga green book (black owned yoga studios and black yoga teachers)

black.owned.everything (on instagram)

i’m writing a book (maybe? yes? no?)

yoga is the one thing in my life that will always make me feel better. writing sometimes makes me feel better, but always helps me think through what i’m going through. last year i started writing a book, about heartbreak and healing. it’s a collection of poetry that looks at heartbreak from multiple lenses, all from the perspective of the individual experiencing the pain. the collection in and of itself is raw, it explores many emotions that are painful and complex. i’m a few days into editing and honestly i love it. i can’t wait to see how the collection grows, what changes i make and how publishing works. while life is forcing me to sit and be still, i will be using my time to create, meditate and expand my yoga practice. i pray i grow stronger mentally, physically and emotionally. and i hope the same for you.

please enjoy one of the pieces from the book:

for years i was searching for someone like you
for someone to love.
i wanted more than anything to find you.

and today i looked up and i realized that i was the person i was waiting for all along.

that the universe was right that everything i needed truly was within me.
and i’m so sorry it took me so long to see it. but so grateful i see it now.

because my love you are amazing.
you are beautiful on the inside.
your heart is big and kind.
you think before you speak. you are deliberate with your words and on the occasion you are not you reflect. you think critically about what happened and why and what you were supposed to learn.
you work to diminish your ego, so that lesson may be easier for you.
because of your sensitive spirit words hurt you. and people hurt you. but you allow yourself to feel the pain and try very hard to get over it. even when it’s hard.
you admit when you are wrong. no matter how embarrassed it makes you feel.
and it took you a while to learn to admit when you needed help, but you’re learning it.

you love unconditionally and you set firm expectations
the act of you loving is healing to yourself and to others
you give just to give, but you demand to be respected.

you work hard to protect yourself and those you love.
your anxiety makes it so that you are prepared for every scenario possible because you made a promise to yourself over 7 years ago and you still work EVERYDAY to keep it your dedication to yourself and your growth is unparalleled.

you are loyal and honest. you hold the people you love to the highest standards because you know they can do it. you support without pushing, for you understand that everyone is learning where they are and if you interfere, they may not learn as much as they could. and to you, learning is the most important thing.

you know when it’s time to go. you leave early and return to a world that you created for yourself. you nourish your body and your soul, on purpose.

you stay away from things and people that have hurt you. you want more than anything to protect yourself. your boundaries with yourself may not always be easy to adhere to, but you know it’s worth it.

my love you are the greatest blessing in my world. you are a blessing to the world. and i promise that know that i see that, i will always remember it.

feb 2018 hair care routine

*drumroll* IT’S TIME FOR AN UPDATED HAIR CARE ROUTINE!

Though not much has changed I just want to keep you all updated!

Prepoo-

Before I wash my hair I always add a generous amount of oil- normally either shea butter or avocado oil

Washing-

Prior to washing, I rinse my hair with warm water to get rid of the excess product and oil
I wash my hair once a week using Shea Moisture’s Jamaican Black Castor Oil Shampoo. I normally wash three times; I could probably do two washes and be fine but I like three.
Normally when I wash I try to massage my scalp for at least one of the washes. Scratching your scalp can leave your hair tangled, so I try to limit it.

I always use warm water to wash

Conditioning-

I always deep condition after EVERY wash. it’s essential to making my hair easy to maintain. I’m currently using Shea Moisture’s Raw Shea Butter Deep Treatment mask, but I also really like Eden Body Work’s Natural Deep Conditioner (they just didn’t have it at target when I needed deep conditioner).
I section my hair in four parts. I work one section at a time to add conditioner then comb out that part using my denman brush (which is a lifesaver- it defines your curls and makes detangling easier). Then I normally twist the section that I just added conditioner to or use a ponytail holder to secure it. After all sections are done I go over my hair once more with the denman brush
I either sit under the drier for 15 minutes (while wearing a clear shower cap) or use an old target bag over my shower cap for about 30 minutes. I like both methods but the bag is easier if you’re trying to do other things while deep conditioning.
I rinse out the deep conditioner with warm water then after it’s all out I use cold water to rinse my hair. It seals in the moisture and reduces frizz.
I then take a t-shirt and wrap it around my hair to dry it.

Styling-

protective styling is a must, especially in the winter. it helps you retain moisture plus it’s easier to maintain. I need something that’s going to be easy to maintain. Mostly because I’m a little lazy.

pick the right protective style- the two most popular styles are braid outs and twists outs. i used to do braid outs a lot until one of my friends twisted my hair and I saw how much less shedding I had. After that, I pretty much only do twists or twist outs.
Once a week I wash, deep condition and style my hair. I do twists of some sort. How I style the twists depends on if I’d like to wear it down or not- I’ll do flat twists if I want to wear it down. I like flat twists because the root is twisted so it’s easier to get through.
Normally i leave the flat twist in for a day or so then untwist it. I moisturize my hair every day.

Moisture-

Normally I do the LOC method, but I read that doing the LCO method reduces frizz so I plan on trying that out.

Liquid/Leave-In- I use water and peppermint oil first (they’re mixed in my spray bottle; Leave-In- I use Miss Jessie’s Leave In Condish
Cream- I use Cantu’s Coconut Creme and Camille Rose’s Curlaide
Oil- I use OGX coconut milk, shea butter and avocado oil.

my main tips-

wash and deep condition weekly
protective style
drink lots of water! at least half your body weight
use satin ponytail holders and bonnets
also use a satin pillow case
be gentle while combing your hair

this is the amount of shedding I had after eight days of no combing (i don’t comb my hair when it’s twisted, I had it in a twisted style for two days, then wore a turban for three (i put a bonnet on underneath to keep my hair protected from the turban), and then wore it different ponytail styles for three days.

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