i’ve learned a lot within these past few months about gratitude.
I was talking to my best friend today about the faith crisis i had a couple of months ago.
i was in this space where i felt like i was constantly having to give up things/relationships that i didn’t want to. and i felt that i had no choice. and honestly, i was really angry with God.
i was angry that i was sad. i was angry that i was in the position i was in. but most of all, i was completely devastated.
i had to make a choice about my faith. if i really truly believed in God. if i really truly believed that He has this plan for me that’s greater than what i can imagine. if i want to lean into that, while still feeling all of the emotions.
and i decided i did. and i am still choosing to believe in God. i am still choosing my faith. i am still choosing growth.
i moved back to atlanta this past weekend and it’s already been a whirlwind of emotions. i’m making a lot of faith based decisions. i’m finishing graduate school. i’m moving to make sure i’m in a better space emotionally. practicing non-attachment. trying to stay present. figuring out what i can do to create happiness. trying to let myself know that these changes don’t always “feel” good. i’m praying for increased discernment. and trying to give myself more space to listen to God.
and y’all it is hard. and i will keep choosing growth.
today, i bought shea butter for the first time. i’ve been using shea butter, almost daily, for years now, yet i’ve never bought it for myself.
when i first was introduced, my sister’s boyfriend had bought me some. that lasted me for a very long time. then my sister bought me some. and most recently, my ex-girlfriend bought me some (which i still have a lot left, i just left it in atlanta).
so since i left my shea butter in atlanta, i’ve been without it for a few weeks. and today, i went to the store and got some.
that’s a huge deal for me for a couple of reasons-
i haven’t really left the house- today i truly wanted to leave the house and felt more comfrotbale outside of my home than i have in a long time.
it was a step towards independence- i’ve been relying on other people, whether on purpose or not (i’ve told myself it was because it was hard to find but truly i can’t say that’s 100% true), to do something that i could have done. and now that i have done it, on my own, i know that i can do it again.
as i prepare to enter this next phase in my life, where i am going through things on an individual journey, it’s moments like these where i am reminded that i can do this. there are many things that, due to habit, i’ve chosen to not do alone. but i’m learning that those are truly just excuses. so i am choosing to embrace this new journey, while acknowledging that this was not my choice.
also, the shea butter was really good. i got the eczema butter from pure shea . check them out!
less than a month ago, i moved across the country. literally packed up my stuff and had it shipped. you see that was hard because it was on a time crunch and i felt like i was constantly running out of time and that if i slowed down any more everything i wanted and and hoped for would past me by and i would be unable to obtain it.
you see what people don’t tell you about moving is that everything changes. literally everything. and you see i should know this because i’ve moved before and maybe i have felt this pain before but right feels like my heart is coming out of my chest and i don’t know how i’m doing what i’m doing it’s just that all i know is that I was sent here for a reason and that reason was to help people. and that when i remember that it’s like i can finally breath again.
everything changes though. i’ve had to learn new streets, new laws, new historical facts, how georgia does this, how atlanta does that. and let me tell you, the South is very different from the North. i’m learning more and more how to be alone. how to be in this new space. and most of the time i won’t admit that it’s crazy that i thought it was a good idea to move across the country.
i’ve been crying all day. it’s like i want to stop but i cannot because once i opened the gate it’s like the river started flowing and flowing and it’s like now i have all this sadness left to deal with because i’m here and not there and i’m missing EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. i am missing everything that is going on with every single person i love because i am not there. and it’s hard because i have nothing to focus on here besides school and we all know you cannot stay sane and think about school 24/7. i have missed a baby being born. i have missed a fashion show. i will miss birthdays and celebrations and births. life has not pasued because i am not there nor will it ever.
and sometime in the future i hope i become okay with all this and i hope the plan is relieved but God knows that in this very momenet it is very hard for me and i am very sad and very scared because i am very sad and alone.
i’m laying down, its 6 am and i’m in my apartment in atlanta. that’s crazy for me to even say. i moved. across the country. my biggest accomplishment of the decade was graduating early with a 3.6. my biggest change was moving to go to graduate school. these things happened within the same month. within a month, my whole world has literally changed. while my heart aches, for fear of the new, it also smiles. this is my chance to start over. to be me from the beginning. i’m nervous while excited. sad but happy. the complexity of these emotions is interesting. it’s all new. all of it. so i am writing to tell God and my angels thank you for your support in 2019 and all the years prior. i devote this year to serving You and fulfilling my purpose.
On Wednesday, I went to Atlanta, partly to visit someone, and then to visit Georgia State. From the trip I learned a few things, and I just wanted to share them.
Always pay attention to your surroundings- unfortunately I was in an accident, but it was because I wasn’t pay total attention to my surroundings. Make sure you’re looking!
Live in the moment- planning is important, but take in every moment.
Visualize yourself where you are- because I was visiting Georgia State to see about a graduate program, I wanted to make sure I could really see myself attending school there. I think visiting schools is really important in regards to making a decision. For undergrad, I was blessed enough to my top schools, so I’m glad that I am still blessed enough to visit the graduate school programs.
Take pictures- document the moment!
Travel- I’ve decided to use the extra money I have to travel, instead of buying clothes! It’s the best way to make memories.
Overall, I learned a lot on this trip and am happy I went! Below are a few pictures from my trip while I was at Morehouse!