alone – mayah's site

today, i bought shea butter for the first time

today, i bought shea butter for the first time. i’ve been using shea butter, almost daily, for years now, yet i’ve never bought it for myself.

when i first was introduced, my sister’s boyfriend had bought me some. that lasted me for a very long time. then my sister bought me some. and most recently, my ex-girlfriend bought me some (which i still have a lot left, i just left it in atlanta).

so since i left my shea butter in atlanta, i’ve been without it for a few weeks. and today, i went to the store and got some.

that’s a huge deal for me for a couple of reasons-

i haven’t really left the house- today i truly wanted to leave the house and felt more comfrotbale outside of my home than i have in a long time.
it was a step towards independence- i’ve been relying on other people, whether on purpose or not (i’ve told myself it was because it was hard to find but truly i can’t say that’s 100% true), to do something that i could have done. and now that i have done it, on my own, i know that i can do it again.

as i prepare to enter this next phase in my life, where i am going through things on an individual journey, it’s moments like these where i am reminded that i can do this. there are many things that, due to habit, i’ve chosen to not do alone. but i’m learning that those are truly just excuses. so i am choosing to embrace this new journey, while acknowledging that this was not my choice.

also, the shea butter was really good. i got the eczema butter from pure shea . check them out!

feeling alone

lately, i have been feeling really unloved. that i’m not loved or cared about in the way that i want to. and that everyone has someone but me.

this has been making me feel very sad. but to combat this i have been trying to increase the amount of yoga and meditation i have been doing.

but if i’m being real, i still feel unloved.

i don’t know what to do to fix this, but hopefully writing will help. in my journal i wrote my one goal for 2020 is to find one true friend.

i wish this post was more positive. but i’m just sad.

selecting when you are available

One thing I’m working on currently is only available for myself. I’ve realized after coming back to school, seeing friends, having my first Founders’ Day that I needed some down time to be alone. And I’ve realized for me that having spaces after social interaction to relax in my room and be to myself, is super helpful. Last night I had a goal that I would be in bed by 10, and I was. I didn’t go right to sleep, but I was relaxing and enjoying my personal space. I’ve decided that I want to be more conscious of dedicating hours (like two or so) to just enjoying my space alone. This is a different type of self-care. My normal type of self-care includes me doing yoga or relaxing, but at a yoga studio I’m not alone. Doing things alone have also helped me to. On Founders’ Day, a lot of the girls in my chapter wanted to go out and I decided to go. I ended up meeting them there and walked in to the party by myself. And when I was getting out the uber I was actually really nervous cause I was alone. And then I thought about how I had no issue going to the mall when I was alone in Quito. Or walking to yoga, even when it was a city I didn’t even know, in a different country. I think that’s because here there is this mindset that there are certain activities you should do with people. While I do not recommend partying in a club and not knowing anyone there (like I said I was meeting people), it made me think about doing things I want to do alone. And the thing is I do, and you should too. Going places alone teaches you to depend on yourself, watch your surroundings and forces you to be present. So take your time to be alone and get to know yourself a little bit better.

friends and space

having space is something that has always been really important to me. growing up, i was always with my sister but we both had the space to be our own people. when i got to college, i struggled with maintaining my space. i was scared and alone, so i clung to others whom felt the same (to be frank it’s how all college freshman feel). Throughout this year, I’ve changed. I’ve grown more and more independent and have seen changes in the types of relationships I possess. I’ve realized that space is central for me. I need space to do my studying, meditation and yoga. I need space to breathe and destress. I need my space. But I have realized that by having this space, my friendships have completely changed. I don’t have any really close friends. By this I mean- I don’t have anyone I share everything with (or vice versa). I have friendships, where it’s good conversation and hanging out, but it’s nothing close. This is something I struggled with a lot. I mean everyone wants friends. But I never wanted friends bad enough to sacrifice my space. So it’s distanced relationships and I’m overall fine with that. I’m writing this post partially to get out thoughts that have been on my mind, but in part to discuss something that quiet frankly is taboo. It’s fine to not have a best friend. It’s fine to not have someone to always hang out with. It’s fine to be alone. It’s healthy to be alone.