lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. but luckily, i’m aware of the trigger.
i start my last semester of undergrad on Tuesday and to be frank i’m terrified. there are so many changes coming this semester, and though they’re all based on conscious decisions I made, i’m still nervous.
i’m feeling sad about going back to school for a few reasons. one, i feel like i don’t have any friends in the capacity that i want. i feel like i’m going to go back to school and no one is going to care whether i’m there or not, and that my presence at school neither positively nor negatively affects anyone. it’s like i’m going back to a space where i don’t feel like theres any love there.
and i know this is partially because i had a really hard last semester. i had to make some decisions that ended up being worthwhile in the long run, but that caused me a lot of pain. and it’s like i’m scared to go back to any sort of space that reminds me of all of this pain. and when I came home from school, I was able to further my healing.
i’m also nervous to be alone, physically. while normally at school i spend most of my time alone, i was with my sister everyday for most of the summer. and while she goes to Michigan we’re not living together nor taking the same classes. so it’ll just be different. my sister is one of the few people i know truly cares about me.
while i’m excited to get my own studio apartment, i’m still nervous about the friends aspect. i love having my own space and being alone, but sometimes i would like someone to hang out with. but i don’t feel like i have anyone that would want to hang out with me nor want to make the 15 minute drive from campus to my apt.
so while i am super nervous, i am trying to be open, and open my heart to unconditional love and allow this year to be full of great experiences. it’s just harder for me because i have to get past the “well what if i get hurt again?” feeling. all i can say is i just keep praying for a friend. and just keep reminding myself that i’m in a new space and it will be better.
as I’ve gotten older, being by myself has become a treat. I often enjoy the space that it allows me to have, along with the opportunity to enjoy just my energy. At home, I’m not alone that often but at school I am.
My freshman year, I was scared by this and was never alone. And if I was it was for a short period of time and I was eager to no longer be alone. Though sometimes I get lonely, it takes a lot longer for that to happen. And to be frank, it’s because I don’t want to be bothered.
I’ve gotten to the point where I’m doing what I want when I want it.
I got invited to hang out on Friday and my initial reaction was like yea no that’s not something I want to do. So my response was that I will go if I feel like it then but as of right now my answer is a no. I reserved the right to cancel (which you always have, it just doesn’t always feel like it). I felt so proud after this. Last year this time, I went to a party with the same group of people, that I didn’t want to go to because everyone was going. Before the party, I took a nap and I overheard a couple of them talking about how they knew I was gonna end up going because I just couldn’t miss something. I lived with girls in Quito that just couldn’t miss something. After living with those girls, I realized how much more fun it is to say no and do what you want.
So that’s what I’ve done. There’s been more times that I’ve gotten invited to hang out and declined. It’s something so new to me and so powerful. I used to feel obligated to go or even just want to. I wanted to be surrounded by others. Now I just want to do what makes me happy. I leave when I’m ready and don’t always chat. But the best part is, I’m doing it because I want to.
having space is something that has always been really important to me. growing up, i was always with my sister but we both had the space to be our own people. when i got to college, i struggled with maintaining my space. i was scared and alone, so i clung to others whom felt the same (to be frank it’s how all college freshman feel). Throughout this year, I’ve changed. I’ve grown more and more independent and have seen changes in the types of relationships I possess. I’ve realized that space is central for me. I need space to do my studying, meditation and yoga. I need space to breathe and destress. I need my space. But I have realized that by having this space, my friendships have completely changed. I don’t have any really close friends. By this I mean- I don’t have anyone I share everything with (or vice versa). I have friendships, where it’s good conversation and hanging out, but it’s nothing close. This is something I struggled with a lot. I mean everyone wants friends. But I never wanted friends bad enough to sacrifice my space. So it’s distanced relationships and I’m overall fine with that. I’m writing this post partially to get out thoughts that have been on my mind, but in part to discuss something that quiet frankly is taboo. It’s fine to not have a best friend. It’s fine to not have someone to always hang out with. It’s fine to be alone. It’s healthy to be alone.