my life – Page 2 – mayah's site

i’ll be grateful, regardless

i’ve learned a lot within these past few months about gratitude.

I was talking to my best friend today about the faith crisis i had a couple of months ago.

i was in this space where i felt like i was constantly having to give up things/relationships that i didn’t want to. and i felt that i had no choice. and honestly, i was really angry with God.

i was angry that i was sad. i was angry that i was in the position i was in. but most of all, i was completely devastated.

i had to make a choice about my faith. if i really truly believed in God. if i really truly believed that He has this plan for me that’s greater than what i can imagine. if i want to lean into that, while still feeling all of the emotions.

and i decided i did. and i am still choosing to believe in God. i am still choosing my faith. i am still choosing growth.

i moved back to atlanta this past weekend and it’s already been a whirlwind of emotions. i’m making a lot of faith based decisions. i’m finishing graduate school. i’m moving to make sure i’m in a better space emotionally. practicing non-attachment. trying to stay present. figuring out what i can do to create happiness. trying to let myself know that these changes don’t always “feel” good. i’m praying for increased discernment. and trying to give myself more space to listen to God.

and y’all it is hard. and i will keep choosing growth.

practicing non-attachment (in action)

whew y’all. i’m upset.

on february 1st, i ventured out to by this snak epalnt. it was to help my asthma. i tended to it a lot while being alone in quarantine. but when i got home and got my dog hope, i took breese (my plant) to my grandparents. i didn’t want hope to eat her and i didn’t want her to be eaten.

snake plants are pretty much known for not being killable. they are resilient. they bounce back. two weeks ago she was thriving. and now her old leaves are vanishing, while new ones are coming.

my initial thought was my plant is dying. i killed my plant. but in reality, i may or may not have.

i guesss what was the most upsettting was the intial feeling of not doing enough. but i did. could i have done more/maybe? but for where i was, i did exactly enough. she was watered. she was feed with soil.

i’ve been really trying to practice nonattachement. but i’ve struggled with pouring into something and not getting the result i wanted?

i guess the following questions i have are:

wsas it not worth it if she doesn’t survive? was her survival all that made it worth it? am i not able to carry on if she dies? (like i know i can get another plant). what would make me want to say it’s not woth it if i didn’t get the resutl i wanted.

like she pruified the air. she kept me safe and clean. and i am so grateful.

it’s just the idea of having to let go of something else honestly. to know i put time and effort into one other thing that might not survive.

but it really still leaves the question, is the survival of the plant all that makes it worth it? is it not the lessons? is it not the learning of myself?

so, i’m going to start over. i will pull the dead leaves, let her get a ton of sunlight (which snake plants don’t need much of but i want to give her some extra love. and love her lots for the next few weeks. whether she lives or not, i know i learned a lot from being her plant mama.

building self trust

within these past couple months i’ve been working on building a stronger relationship with myself. as with all relationships, this has taken a lot of time, consistency and effort.

yesterday i finished day 40 of 40 of walking at least three miles and day 11 of 11 of meditating twice daily (30 min each). Cultivating specific time for myself was a conscious decision. I chose myself of over things. I gave myself the time that I needed to just be. I gave myself permission to feel my feelings. to explore, let grief and whatever other emotions wash over me.

i have anxiety, so often it was really difficult for me to trust my emotions. i would be upset about “small” things. i would panic over situations where i later felt i shouldn’t have. one thing i really learned was that while feelings aren’t facts, they do have a purpose. i’ve been using the questions “What can I learn about myself from this feeling? What is it telling me I care about? What is it telling me I need? What can I do today to make space for all of my emotions?” while my feelings aren’t facts, they are messages. so feeling them and searching for deeper meaning has brought me closer to myself.

making promises to myself and keeping them has been something i’ve always struggled with. i would do things like say i’m going to bed early and not. or say i’m not going to work late, and still work late. i’ve been working on setting firmer, yet flexible boundaries with myself. last night, i said i was going to bed at 10, and i was in the bed by 10:05. i think things like that will not only help me feel better (more sleep lol) but let me know that i can make promises and come through, for myself, like i do for others.

just like how i’ve worked to train my dog to do things, i’ve had to work with myself to create habits that are long lasting.

i saw something recently that basically said how you spend your days is in fact how you spend your life. i want to spend my life doing things that i love. and that starts with intentional actions.

so cheers to myself. i’m currently trying to figure out what i’ll be doing next LOL!

solitude

i listened to a podcast today and it was talking about embracing solittitude and how the biggest thing is that prior to quarantine, there was so much time and space that would be filled.

and for the first time, i’ve really been learning to try to fill it with myself. when the pandemic first hit, i was forced to.

i would spend hours upon hours keeping myself busy. anything really, to avoid the stillness. as time went, on, i would start having more and more periods of stillness- intentionally taking time to do what i love.

one of the things that i do try to do (espeically after throwing myself a pity party) is to think about what i’m grateful for.

the immense loss that i enduried, opened me up to embracing solitude. for the first time, the only space i feel i have where i can be truly emotionally vulnerable, is with myself. i feel my feelings and i console myself. most of these feelings aren’t shared and for the first time, i don’t want them to be.

this space of emotional vulnerability is blissful. i almost feel like this-

so after the storm, all the houses blew down. there was nothing left. the house we built was destroyed. and she was no where to be found. i cried and cried, because why had this happened? where did our home go? where was she? how was i going to clean this up?

after a few weeks of immense sorrow, i started sifting through the remains of the house. it was hard. i remembered memories that i had forgotten, sifted through more sadness than i had ever imagined was possible.

eventually, i had to come to peace with the fact that the house was gone. that it wasn’t going to magically come back, and that there was nothing i could have done to make the house stay. that all i had done was try to build the house correctly. but i had very little experience building a house. i only tried with my own house. and that was still being built too.

so i left the site of the old house. i picked up some of my favorite things, backed them in a canvas tote, and went oward. i went to my house.

this light blue home with the wrap around porch was far from finished.

i started with the foundation. day by day, minute by minute. i went to stores i had never even known existed (thanks google) to purchase new materials. it was hard luggin ghtem back tot he house. but very well worth it.

i’ve been slowly building and building for weeks now. and though my house is not finished yet, i feel like my foundation is solid.

i know that eventually i will have a house. with furniture and a garden and everything that i need. until then, i will keep whistling while i work.

just a lil sunshine

while the big storm rolled past, destroying all of what was left, a month ago, the gap in my chest was overwhelming. i was scared. tired. anxious and honestly confused.

after the storm hit, things settled. it still consistenly rained. there was little sun, mostly partly cloudy.

thrice, since the big storm has hit, i’ve felt the sun. the first time, i wrote in a note to myself “yesterday was the first day i have felt happiness since…” i felt geniunely good. and had geniunely laughed. it was amazing.

the second time i felt the sun, i was leading a private yoga class. it was warm and i was excited. i was determined to let the sunshine.

today, was the third time. i’ve been getting up and walking about three miles and doing meditation and yoga for the past five days. and today, after eating breakfast and showering, i felt the sunshine.

the sunshine reminds me that emotions are fleting and to continue embracing the rain. because one cannot exist without the other, not in a balanced state at least.

i’ve been learning to sit with my grief. while walking, i’ve started listening to alex elle’s “hey girl” podcast. one that really shifted my perspective was her talk with jamila reddy, about greeting grief at the door.

after the storm, i spent a couple weeks just wishing the storm would’ve never happened. living in this interesting state of midn where i was in denial that the storm had happened, because the damage was so bad. it felt like i was living in a nightmare, just waiting and waiting to wake up.

after the third week, i had a moment where i was like “mayah, this is reality.” and being like i need to do what’s best for me to heal and clean up this mess.

now, four weeks later, i’ve felt the sunshine and i know that with due time, i will keep feeling the sunshine.

life after loss is complicated. and the best thing i can truly be patient with myself, knowing that i am trying. i’m learning that it’s okay to not be okay. to go with the ebbs and flows of emotions while knowing that they just are ebbs and flows and that the pain will pass.

so to wherever you are in your clean up, just please know that there will be sunshine. eventually.