today i let out a big scream. one of the biggest that i have had in a long time.
hope and i had gotten in from a walk, where it started pouring down raining when we were about a mile from home. so it was pouring down rain and i went to get all of her stuff off and dry her off. before i could wipe her body down and spray her paws with her antibacterial sanitizer, she was ripping and running through my aparmtent.
i tried to talk a couple deep breaths but i couldn’t manage it.
i screamed a big scream. a scream of pure frustration. pure rage. pure fear.
i literally felt like she was spreading covid throughout our whole place. that with every step it was getting dirtier and dirtier. it made me feel like i was going to die.
so i screamed again.
i screamed again when i finally caught her.
because how could she do this to me? she knows she has to get cleaned off. and normally she waits for me to do it but today she didn’t.
and this isn’t the first time i’ve felt like this with hope. i get really angry when she does other stuff, like eat things she’s not supposed to and hide so i can’t get it her. it makes me feel like she is going to die.
so you see i get the point of rage. i get what’s making me feel like this. so what do i do with it?
i’m not sure. i’m just glad that i’m starting to see it.
feeling pure rage is an interesting feeling. becuase after you are filled with so much shame. that i shouldn’t have reacted like that.
but that was my geniune authentic reaction- to scream.
i’m about 52 or so days into my meditation challenge, entitled the meditation to remove fear of the future. it’s a kundalini meditation that i practice for 31 min each morning and evening, accompanied with a three minute spinal flex before and a two minute rest after.
i’m getting to the deep root of my fears. i want to be safe. i want to survive. i want to live. and i want to do so fruitfully.
and i know that anxiety is just my mind working over time to keep me safe. i know that it senses danger in things that are not.
and i know that i will give myself grace, love, and compassion as i continue to work deeper on knowing and managing my fears.
i say all this to say- anger isn’t a secondary emotion. but rather a flashing signal that something needs attention.