for a long time, i felt very unsatisfied with my friendships. it was like i had these wants/needs within relationships that never felt like they were getting met.
like it would either be like a semi-surface level friendship or we were like tied at the hip.
my tied at the hip friendship stage pretty much sums up my undergraduate experience. the relationships reaked of codependency. i think it’s because they were formed during such a transition period where we had all just left our parents home and were scared. anyways, there was drama and dramatic endings that turned into things just fading away. i’ve grieved those relationships and occasionally a wave of grief hits me. and when it does i cope with it as best as i can.
when i ended two of those friendships, i told them both that i just didn’t feel like i was getting what i wanted out of the friendships. and one of them asked me what did i want and my response was that i didn’t know but i knew that this wasn’t it. it was a harsh truth. and in my mind, since i knew that wasn’t what i was looking for, i would make space for the friends that i wanted by ending those relationships. my logic was well how could i have space for the relationships i really want if i’m investing time and effort into these spaces.
and i knew what i wanted because i had seen it with other people. i had seen other friendships where the bond just was deeper. yesterday, i was listening to the Black girls heal podcast about intimacy. and one of the things she said it that sometimes we can fake intimacy. and i think that is what was going on. on the surface, the relationships were close. we hung out all the time, had deep conversations, knew each others likes and dislikes, but there was something missing for me.
when i moved to atlanta i was determined to make friends. i just knew that i would right? lol i’m Black and gay and moved to the Black and gay capital of the US. it was just bound to happen. and then the world shut down and even when it opened up i didn’t leave the house. shoot i still don’t have in person contact with people.
but this is not the point of this, the point of this is that i finally figured out what was missing.
she talked about interdependence. that sense of if you need someone you can call on them. and that in those relationships you don’t feel “bad” for calling. or like you’re a burden. there is a sense of security that comes with the intimacy. almost like you know that they want to talk to you.
and i think for so long i equated that with duration of hanging out, vulnerability, and deep conversations and i think it is all of those things, but i think there is just one more missing piece.
i titled this post language to express needs because for so long i’ve been trying to figure out what was missing. why i could be around a bunch of people and still feel lonely. and it’s because it wasn’t intimate. and maybe on levels intimacy was budding, but it wasn’t in bloom.
i’m happy to know.