an attitude for gratitude

i wrote this on july 13th, five days ago. fortunately, my storm has calmed. now i am left to deal with all of the destruction, rebuilding from the ground up.

i write this note to you, from the eye of my own storm.

i can’t even say that my heart feels heavy because it doesn’t. heavy doesn’t nearly capture it. it’s like this immense emptiness inside of me that is aching.

and due to this constant aching, i cannot stop crying. i get spurts of distraction when i’ve called my mother and my sister. and when my best friend came over last night. but besides that (and even through those conversations), i have big crocodile tears. the kind that will swell my eyes damn near shut when i wake up tomorrow (my bags will swell up lol).

the kind of ache that left me awake at 3:30 in the morning asking why me?

and all i hear is that i need to adopt an “attitude of gratitude” and be grateful for what i have learned. and grateful for what i have seen. and grateful for where i am. that to get through grief, i need to be grateful for the lessons.

but honestly, i kind of just want to throw myself a little pity party. because literally my WHOLE LIFE has been flipped upside down and i’m just supposed to adapt.

when i was little my mother had me read the book who moved my cheese, which is focused around change and being willing to change. in the story, there are two rats/mice (i don’t remember lol but they were rodents), and they used to each go to the same spot for cheese. one day the cheese was gone. one rodent kept going back to the spot and was cheeseless. the other found a new spot and had cheese.

so i was raised that not only do you have to examine your environment, but that you have to adapt too.

and that’s conflicting with my heart, which feels no desire to be flexible.

you have to understand that i was raised (and still am) a Christian. with a steadfast faith in God so there’s the part of me that is so frustrated that i’m going through this and another part that says God is teaching you a lesson. what are you learning here?

so if i had to answer, i’ve learned that love is the center of it all. it’s all that matters in this world. God is Love. Love creates everything. balance which leads to health. tranquility which leads to stability. love is an action. a committment. something you have to make to yourself BEFORE you can make it to anyone else.

i’ve learned that humans are meant to love. we are a species that loves. we need to feel love. we need to be attuned with Love. we need balance and tranquility. we need love.

i’ve learned that loving someone means letting them go. no matter how hard it is. with the faith that she will find happiness within herself and then come back to me.

love is union. love is yoga. love is that feeling of bliss after a hard yoga class, where i feel centered and challenged. it’s the feelings of joy after seeing my god family.

so i write this, as an ode to love and feeling the duality of lovelessness and full of love. remember, you can always feel too things at once. all i really can do now, is just breathe through it.