i don’t really have a title

i originally started this post on june 20th. i wrote the following, in a state of confusion and unsure of what i would really do:

i don’t really have a title for this post. because if i titled it, i would probably say, i think i might be moving, but it seems to early to say that.

in eight days, it’ll be six months since i moved to georgia. i was excited, nervous, and ready to start this next chapter of my life. i got into a great graduate school program. it definitely took some adjusting, getting used to being in georgia, but by march, i would say i was well on my way.

for the past three months, i’ve been sheltering in place, over 600 miles away from my family. it’s been a challenge to say the least. and as things are changing, it seems to be getting safer to go places, i finally made plans to go home. i think i’ve slowly, but steadily pushed past my fear of leaving the house.

i was asked yesterday why i don’t just stay at home, and it’s like well why don’t i?

if i’m being honest, it’s because that makes me feel like i would be giving up.

today, i have moved back home. sunday it was a week. we drove back 6 months, to the DAY, from when we drove down to georgia. i don’t know how long i’ll be here. i don’t know what the future holds. if i think too far it’s confusing and i’m unsure. i’m making decisions everyday to try to make myself feel good.

but what i do know is i’ve smiled more in the last week being at home than i have in months. i do know i missed the michigan sun in the summer time. i do know i’m in a safe space to work through my anxiety. and i do know, i’ve felt MUCH better. my screen time has decreased. i walked 2.4 miles yesterday.

it’s almost like i feel like a person again. like a real person.

i’ve been thinking alot about love and what it means to me. and how it feels to be surrounded by love. and how i want to be surrounded by love.

i don’t know what that will look like. i’m hoping it includes a puppy. so we shall see.

i’ve been learning that it’s okay for me to let people love me. and that while i was alone i learned to fill my bucket up all by myself (which i will say was MUCH harder when you’re stuck indoors). and i’m grateful. because i appreciate the yawn my mother makes when she wakes up, just a little bit more.