“healing is not linear.” it’s a phrase i have seen and heard a billion times. i understood that healing took time, but i dont’t hink i truly understood what the non-linear part of healing is.
healing cannot be linear because that would mean that once you have “moved past it”, there would be no triggers, check-points, dates or anything in your life that would mirror any trauma you have had. therefore healing is a process because it’s the process of learning strategies to help you face these “triggers” better.
i’ve been looking forward to and dreading Valentine’s Day at the same time. part of me was very excited because i knew this valentine’s day would be way better than last year’s, because i’m in a better space emotionally, mentally and physcially. i have been investing in realtionships where i feel loved and supported, pursuing my passions (which takes up most of my time lol) and learning to take care of myself in this new space. it’s hard, but as one of my friends in my cohort told me, i need to give myself some grace, which i have been trying to. the other part of me was dreading valentine’s day because last valentine’s day was so horrible. my trust in someone was betrayed, unvealing patterns of gaslighting and emotional abuse within the relationship. to be frank, i was devasted.
it’s hard because from that devastation i was placed in this short (yet long) period of solititude. i deliberatly spent time investing in myself, getting to know myself better and learning my body. that effort i put in has become part of my daily routine and has made me so much stronger. my old therapist told me that one thing i can start doing is saying “and” instead of “but”. so i’ll try that hear. it’s hard for me to think of that trauma as “beneficial” because going through it was not fun. and while it was hard i am grateful for how much i have grown. i’m literally a different person today than i was last year. which i am happy about.
so i guess what i’m grappling with is the idea that events can be lifechanging and traumatizing. and that in those spaces you are allowed to be happy with where you are and sad about what has happened. i’m coming to that conclusion myself, which has been a little difficult without feeling like i’m betraying the mayah that was hurt or the mayah who is in a much better space today.
today has been complicated as have the days leading up to it. i was intentional with giving myself more grace this weekend. i’m going to do hot yoga tonight (one of my favorite activities), do my hair, and do a juice cleanse this weekend. the hot yoga is to start my detox and the physical process of me letting go. the next 30 or so hours will hoepfully all me to arrive at a space of higher consciousness, where i am more in tune with my body (and she will be able to reset) and fill myself with love.
on days like today i think about what i think love is- an intentional commitment to oneself and others. and i have committed to myself and others. so i guess that is what it’s all about.