the last time i was in atlanta (before i moved), i got my chart read. in astrology, your chart is essentially your life path. it determines the struggles you have, etc that are all based on when you were born. for me it just reiterates that everything in your life is being done in divine timing, down to the minute you were born. the astrologist told me that my life lesson is to learn how to forgive people when they hurt me. and Lord knows i struggle with this. it’s almost like i feel like when people hurt my feelings that it’s because they wanted to. and that since they did it is no longer safe for me to be around them. so i have to leave. and it’s like after something happens i may want to reach out but it’s just so hard to. it’s like i can convince myself every single time that if i do i will be only hurting myself and that this happened so that means i am not loved nor valued in that space. and that i deserve to be loved and valued so i have to end the relationship and just cannot do it anymore.
if i’m being completely honest i think it’s a ptsd response. it’s like i’ve been hurt so bad the idea of even putting myself in any position to possibly be hurt a little sends my body into survival mode and i will do whatever it takes to stop the pain.
i also blame myself whenever i get hurt because i feel like it’s my fault for even being vulnerable enough in the first place to let myself get hurt.
so where do i go from there?
normally i first reflect and then i sit with it. i recently had a conversation where i realized that i struggle so much with admitting things upset me not because i don’t understand the feeling, but rather i am afraid that i will not have the newly presented need (a change) met. i am working towards intentionally explaining my needs and expecting them to be met. it’s just i have to set this new standard that when my needs aren’t met that i leave. that’s the hard part for me- i often don’t want to. but what i’ve learned is it’s necessary because it allows space for what i actually want.
i have to constantly remind myself that it is okay to forgive those who have hurt me because everything happens for a reason. and that painful things teach me things so for that i have to be grateful for the lesson- to let go of the pain and keep the knowledge.
it’s a process but i’m learning.