I wrote the following to publish in October but never published it-
in this new space, i’ve been preparing for the future and all the good it’s going to bring me. i’ve been working on taking care of myself, doing my homework, and dedicating my limited time to things that make me happy. the last two weeks i’ve been super busy and after Monday, my life is going to slow down and I’m excited. i want to enjoy this new space. in this new space, i’m alone most of the time. i pretty much get up, get ready for work, work, go to class, do homework and then go home. i’ve had days where i haven’t talked to one person. it’s almost like isolation. i was talking to my cousin, cause she worked her way through school and she was basically like you have to make time to take care of yourself and hang out with people. i knew i would have to do to this, but it’s harder than i expected. like i studied (not alone) and was talking and laughing and i after was like mayah you were not nearly as productive as you are alone. it’s easy to be alone. i don’t disappoint myself. I’ve been working on being ore compassionate, so when I make mistakes, I know that I’m trying my best forreal. it’s so different for me to be alone. i used to never fr be alone, or if i was it was for a very short period of time and i would find someone to hang out with. and when i had roommate(s), i saw someone everyday. it’s different but i’m getting used to it. and i will say i love my new space.
so what are my goals? so i did a visualization activity with my chapter and it had to be personal. and what i really want is to make a best friend. like a really good friend. to do more yoga. to increase my therapeutic resources and tactics to reduce my anxiety. to be happier and figure out more of what makes me happy.
i keep the activity i did with my chapter in my planner. it shows exactly what i wanted at that time. it’s just a reminder that as i grow, i want to reflect on what i have gained. therapy was a great resource for me. it was a physical step of me saying i needed help. but i also used light therapy as well. light therapy is essentially energy work, like reiki or (energy) healing sessions. these have helped me a lot! this, along with meditations and yoga have helped me embrace my alone time. as i prepare to move, i know that i will be my own best friend, understanding that my alone time is crucial for my development. i look back and reflect on how bad i wanted to learn to love myself, but how i truly didn’t know how. for me it took self- discipline.
i write notes to myself to remind myself of what is important. one of the notes i have in my planner is “you’re doing the best you can and you did the best you could at that time and you will grow to do better. be patient, you’re growing.” when i saw this while flipping through my planner last week i thought “aww mayah that’s so nice you’re so nice to yourself”. and honestly, that’s the energy i’m going to keep- i deserve to be nice to myself. i deserve to be loved. by others but first and foremost, by mayah.
if you so feel compelled, check out the hyperlinks. the reiki one is to my mom’s site and the healing one is to eve’s site. they’re both amazing and have helped me tremendously throughout my journey. and while i’m here shouting out people, shoutout to monique (just cause she’s great and very helpful). love you all.