friendships

i was reading last night about how friendships are necessary because they help you learn how to love- how young children use familial and platonic relationships to create expectations of love.

then i got to pondering about my friendships, or rather my lack there of. throughout my life, i’ve cycled through friendships. it got to a point where i was almost having a new “bestie” per year. and i’ve got to thinking about why.

at this point i feel that most people i know have a really close friend, who they spend a lot of time with and care about. so it has allowed me to understand how they want to be loved/cared for. so when i see them interacting with others, i see expressions of love.

but when i reflect, i don’t see reflections of love. and it’s not that i have the same expectations for how they act in other relationships, it’s that i see that there is minimal effort put into loving and caring about me.

so my current dilemma is how to handle it. is it that i express how i want to be loved? or is it that i accept the persons actions and allow them to be themselves? in the latter that involves me making other decisions for the friendship, such as distancing myself for healing purposes.

but it leaves me in this cycle where i feel like i am getting to know people, seeing how they act, sitting back and realizing im not their to pick as a friend, but they’re mine. it’s longing for a friend that loves me and actually wants to hang out with me.

i am trying to be optimistic and prayerful for a friend. hopefully on this mountain i get one.