my heart is broken

and now all i can do is write.

 

I literally feel like i cannot breathe

 

And the thing is, it’s not that I’ve never experienced this feeling

I have asthma

I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe

and to be 9000 feet above sea level and have to take my inhaler cause we’re climbing up hill fast and faster and i’m slowing down and i can’t keep up and we have to stop because i can’t keep going.

and then i can breathe.

 

I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe when a cop car is rolling past me as i’m oh so slightly speeding and stop to think, please don’t pull me over cause i’m alone and i don’t know what you’ll do to me.

 

but this

this is different

in the worst way

 

this is the i can’t breathe cause i don’t know how to live without you because my life revolved around you and i wanted to marry you and have your kids and be with you forever and grow old together and love each other in this life and the next and the next and the next until the lifetimes end and our souls merge and we’re one.

 

i can’t breathe and i don’t know how to move on because all i keep thinking about is how sad you looked and that i can’t breathe so what if you can’t breathe either and how i can’t do this and i’m scared cause i can’t fucking breathe.

 

Lord please help me. I can’t breathe.